Guilt after carers breakdown

Rocket Up

New member
Sep 11, 2020
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I ended up in hospital a couple of days ago. I am a full time carer, 24/7. I moved in with Mum about 18 months ago, as she has early onset vascular dementia and finally ended a 25 year relationship with a horrible, toxic man. My Mum over the last week or two has become unrecognisable, nothing but anger, anxiety and paranoia. It’s been rough. I have a history of addiction (driven by social anxiety) but ‘beat’ alcoholism after a hard battle and a couple of relapses. Due to how Mum is (I have nothing but love for her) I started using recreational drugs to take the edge off. It soon spiralled and for the first time I’m my life ‘drugs’ became as destructive as ‘alcohol’, hurting others not just myself. I was convinced Mum was reaching her end, just a gut feeling I had. I struggle with death (most do?) not my own but of those I love. I went full self destruct with my substance abuse, trying to time my demise with my mothers. I reached a point where I knew I’d stopped 100% taking care of her and phoned for an ambulance. To keep it short, I had actually overdosed and the big question was if it was deliberate or not. I’d completely lost my mind on hallucinogenic drugs. Now I’m back home but she is in hospital, she needed her diabetes taking care of. I’m finally not feeling as guilty as it seems Mum is no worse off, I couldn’t live with thinking I’d directly or indirectly harmed her. I feel so lost. The hospital (and mental health team) left me with learning to self care... and ask for help. Obviously the pandemic has added further complications. My sister is involved, she has been very behind the scenes... but I realise I may have kept her away as much as she kept her distance. Now all I want is Mum back, something my sister has blocked... but I have had a really big mental shift and feel like I’m done with all substances and have a better outlook, I genuinely believe it. My sister is coming round to the idea, seeing that it doesn’t have to ‘be the end’ of me being the care giver. I can’t even visit Mum (for obvious reasons) but just want a hug and for her to be home. I would just phone the hospital and get her back as I think the nurses are happy with that... but things have been put in place that I know I can’t even phone her. My sister has always worked for the NHS and knows what to say to have control/influence. I just feel so lost, I know I’m a thousand times better than yesterday even if I’m still very broken. I know Mum won’t just be happy and back to one month ago... but as her medical needs have been met it’s the best chance to have some stability. I have lost control of the situation due to my actions but all I want is to have her back, I’m mentally ready to care for us both - it’s what I need - but it’s hard to get others to see it that way. I thought it would be destroying Mum to not see me, yet I’m lead to believe she hasn’t even asked. So the ‘attachment issues’ could be purely my end now. It’s just so hard and sad. I don’t know what I’m achieving by writing this... I’ve just found this forum today and already found much comfort from seeing the shared experience of others. Thank you.
 

Weasell

Registered User
Oct 21, 2019
1,778
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You have so many problems. In normal times you would have a huge challenge, but in these days of Covid, as they say in life it is just ‘bad timing’.
One thing that comes over in you post is your love and concern for your mum.
Is caring for and about yourself a weakness of yours?
You just sound as if you have been through the mill and need to be good to yourself? Even though for someone focussed on the needs of others it will a really difficult task.

I would recommend reading a few threads, you will find the inability to see, communicate etc with loved ones is such a common theme! It isn’t failure, it’s the new norm!
Your mum is safe. I wish you well.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
1,799
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Hello @Rocket Up . As @Weasell says, your mum is safe. The hospital will be finding out why your mum's behaviour changed so suddenly and will be able to treat that. It may be something as simple as a urine infection. It may not. Whatever the reason, she is where she needs to be at the moment and this is an opportunity for you to take a breath, step back a bit and look after yourself for a while. Do simple things which you enjoy, be outside as much as you can. Long walks with nature, listen to soothing music - or just listen to the birds. You obviously care very much for your mum but this is a time to care for yourself. Look carefully at the reasons for wanting your mum home and how it would work, what would make it easier and, importantly, how others could help. Don't rush at it and keep posting to let us know how you are doing, and for advice and support. And don't feel guilty. You have done well to look after your mum all that time and to cope with everything you have been through.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
Hello @Rocket Up and welcome to DTP

Im sorry you have been through such a dark period in your life. Caring for someone with dementia 24/7 is incredibly hard and you endured it for 18 months, so be proud of that. As someone who has been through carers breakdown myself (although drugs were not involved) I can tell you that its going to take a lot longer than a couple of days to recover. Its nearly a year since it happened to me and Im still receiving therapy.

If you go back to caring for your mum now, within a very short time you will be back in exactly the same place that you were before. Your mum isnt going to get any better, shes just going to get worse and it will become harder to look after her. I think your mum has probably reached the stage in her dementia when she needs to move to a care home and have a whole team of people meeting her needs, all round the clock.

This is a time when most carers are filled with guilt and feel, what if.... and, if only... , but the thing is that its like trying to hold back the tide - dementia demands more and more and however much you give it will not be enough.

Be at peace with yourself. Your mum came to no harm. Let her go somewhere where her needs can be met. Once care homes are open again you can go back to being her daughter(?) again.
 

Shedrech

Registered User
Dec 15, 2012
12,649
0
UK
hello @Rocket Up
a warm welcome from me too

I'm glad you are coming round and that your mum is receiving the medical care she needs right now

it can be that looking after someone becomes so all consuming that you get to carer breakdown and, because you're wearing carer blinkers for self preservation can no longer see the wider picture, believing that no-one else can look after the person you care about, so even though your batteries are completely worn down, you cannot let go

right now you are recovering rather than recovered, and need to concentrate on looking after yourself, for your own good and as well as what is best for your mum .... it would be awful for you both should your mum return home and you find that you simply are not able to provide the level of care she needs

apologies if this is way off mark ... you seem to have issues around addiction, might this need you feel to be carer for your mum be another form of an addiction .... we all want what is best for our parent, sometimes though that is being looked after by someone else so we can be their loving, supportive child

your sister too wants both your mum and you each to be in the best position for yourselves ... that's not necessarily being controlling, she just has a different perspective from yours ... maybe it's the time to listen to her suggestions and give them a try

I hope you and your mum continue to improve
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
5,259
0
High Peak
I'd also advise caution. If you took an overdose because of how bad things were looking after your mother, you need to consider how you would cope if she did return home to your care. It's only been a couple of days for you - you need much more time to recover.

I also think the time has come for your mum to move to a care home.
 

Rocket Up

New member
Sep 11, 2020
3
0
Thank you so much @Weasell @lemonbalm and @canary for reading and replying to my post. I’ve only recently started ‘talking’ to anyone and can really feel the benefits of doing so. You’re words mean a lot, more than you probably know. @Weasell you are 100% correct, self love and self worth have always been a huge challenge to me. I have so much love to give, yet find it hard to love myself. As cliched as it probably is I’ve started to feel like this a huge turning point for me, to have a more positive life and to get closer to those that have never given up on me. @lemonbalm I hope you are right, she had just finished a course of antibiotics for suspected UTI as she also had plenty of pain in that area. I’m still clinging on that her rapid decline is something that can be explained. I’ll add that my Grandma also passed away from dementia, she was little more than a bed bound body in a care home for the last decade of her life. Tube fed at times, unable to speak - it was so cruel. @canary I know you are right, I’m sorry you went through (and are still recovering from) such an experience. I know I’m in the rawest stages and only just starting to feel like myself, let alone really beginning to process what has been a truly traumatic experience. No matter what, the guilt and ‘selfishness’ is a hard feeling to shake. * I’ve just had a phone call from my sister. Mum is fine, she wants to go home but she did when she was at home. So that has helped calm my worries * So I’ll leave it at that for now, I can continue to recover and try not to worry to far ahead. It was pointed out that I can be just the son for a while, not strictly the carer first, at least for now. Thanks again and it is really helping.
 

Rocket Up

New member
Sep 11, 2020
3
0
@Shedrech you are beyond accurate, in no way off the mark. I’m known for being all or nothing, I have obsessive traits. It has been suggested I’m on the spectrum. ‘Only I can do this‘ fully sums up up the mindset I’ve developed. @Jaded'n'faded again, you are very accurate. The penny is dropping that I have to fix myself before anything else. I’ve found out nothing further is happening with Mum until Monday, I mean I’m terms of a doctor’s review let alone anything else. So this weekend, I can just be. Thanks to everyone. If the time comes that a nursing home is the answer... that will be a separate battle to fight (mentally) but not something to worry about now. My sister is working with me at making this home more dementia friendly, regardless of everything else, as Mum was becoming a risk to herself as well as Daisy (our much loved dog) in terms of letting her out the front door. Thanks again.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
1,799
0
Often one course of antibiotics is not enough to get rid of a severe urine infection. In any case, your mum is in good hands @Rocket Up. As you say, you can "just be" this weekend. Long walks with Daisy. Come back to the forum and re-read all the responses at leisure and give yourself time to think about all that has been said.
 

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