I ended up in hospital a couple of days ago. I am a full time carer, 24/7. I moved in with Mum about 18 months ago, as she has early onset vascular dementia and finally ended a 25 year relationship with a horrible, toxic man. My Mum over the last week or two has become unrecognisable, nothing but anger, anxiety and paranoia. It’s been rough. I have a history of addiction (driven by social anxiety) but ‘beat’ alcoholism after a hard battle and a couple of relapses. Due to how Mum is (I have nothing but love for her) I started using recreational drugs to take the edge off. It soon spiralled and for the first time I’m my life ‘drugs’ became as destructive as ‘alcohol’, hurting others not just myself. I was convinced Mum was reaching her end, just a gut feeling I had. I struggle with death (most do?) not my own but of those I love. I went full self destruct with my substance abuse, trying to time my demise with my mothers. I reached a point where I knew I’d stopped 100% taking care of her and phoned for an ambulance. To keep it short, I had actually overdosed and the big question was if it was deliberate or not. I’d completely lost my mind on hallucinogenic drugs. Now I’m back home but she is in hospital, she needed her diabetes taking care of. I’m finally not feeling as guilty as it seems Mum is no worse off, I couldn’t live with thinking I’d directly or indirectly harmed her. I feel so lost. The hospital (and mental health team) left me with learning to self care... and ask for help. Obviously the pandemic has added further complications. My sister is involved, she has been very behind the scenes... but I realise I may have kept her away as much as she kept her distance. Now all I want is Mum back, something my sister has blocked... but I have had a really big mental shift and feel like I’m done with all substances and have a better outlook, I genuinely believe it. My sister is coming round to the idea, seeing that it doesn’t have to ‘be the end’ of me being the care giver. I can’t even visit Mum (for obvious reasons) but just want a hug and for her to be home. I would just phone the hospital and get her back as I think the nurses are happy with that... but things have been put in place that I know I can’t even phone her. My sister has always worked for the NHS and knows what to say to have control/influence. I just feel so lost, I know I’m a thousand times better than yesterday even if I’m still very broken. I know Mum won’t just be happy and back to one month ago... but as her medical needs have been met it’s the best chance to have some stability. I have lost control of the situation due to my actions but all I want is to have her back, I’m mentally ready to care for us both - it’s what I need - but it’s hard to get others to see it that way. I thought it would be destroying Mum to not see me, yet I’m lead to believe she hasn’t even asked. So the ‘attachment issues’ could be purely my end now. It’s just so hard and sad. I don’t know what I’m achieving by writing this... I’ve just found this forum today and already found much comfort from seeing the shared experience of others. Thank you.