Grumpy OH

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Beads, Aug 14, 2017.

  1. margherita

    margherita Registered User

    May 30, 2017
    2,152
    Female
    Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
    Wise decision. Take care of yourself first. Don't let anyone hurt you as far as possible. No matter they hurt you voluntarily or involuntarily. Wounds are always painful.
     
  2. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    1,197
    Oh my darling. Thank you, I haven't seen frozen but let it go seems the best philosophy here, even though the pain is so great. Oh course you can be hurt by a person with dementia. We are human beings, not machines. with love, Geraldinexxxaka kindred
     
  3. MIA56

    MIA56 Registered User

    Dec 22, 2016
    325
    Hi @Tinas7
    Just catching up
    Hi @Tinas7 , Yes the last few years haven't been kind , we had a very busy life prior to dementia...had a lovely holiday home, lots of socialising and cruised twice a year but that's all gone.
    The girls are close in fact they are like full sisters but my stepdaughter has everyone walking on egg shells. She can be very unforgiving and evil at times. Her husband is totally controlled by her also. BUT she can also turn it on when she wants. The GG are her grandchildren but I have a great relationship with her kids and they just don't comment on her behaviour it's never referred to and I would never put them in a difficult position as its their mum after all.

    I don't have any social help, J is very agressive with people and it's really not worth the hassle I do pay for my ironing and garden to be done. I like to be busy so don't mind the workload.
    J has a big appetite too, he loves his food and I like cooking so it works .

    Sorry to say I have given up on church, too many things have happened recently that I can't say that I get any comfort from religion, I still believe to a point.

    Thanks so much for caring, it's great to know people out there understand.

    Take care
    MIa
     
  4. MIA56

    MIA56 Registered User

    Dec 22, 2016
    325
    Hi @margherita
    Nice of you to say such kind things, I like to be busy and yes. I do have family around a lot of the time so it's nice to have company.

    Hope your weather is still good raining again today for us.

    Much love
    MIa x
     
  5. MIA56

    MIA56 Registered User

    Dec 22, 2016
    325
    Good morning my one and all.

    Well I've had a busy few days but that's good.
    I did get J out on Tuesday, he managed a couple of hours but then couldn't walk anymore but at least he was washed,shaved and out. However, Tuesday evening we had the most unwholey row. He just lost the plot and wouldn't take his meds, shouting about being fed up of ME and potty mouth in full flow. I almost ran for the woods but the best thing is he thinks he should live with the stepdaughter! The one who has not seen him since Father's Day and has only called once since then. However, he went to bed at 7:30 I was soooo angry. He then was all sweetness on Wednesday morning and couldn't remember how vile he was. He got the silent treatment for a while but what's the point.
    Wednesday the kids were here, it was nice although my GG is ready to get back to school. They have already been off for nearly 6 weeks and she is missing her friends. We baked, coulered in did labels for her school clothes, had lunch but when I picked up her brother who is only 8 months she got a bit jealous! Strange but James noticed immediately and said come play with Papa. He had a sleep after they had gone. Thankfully no drama today.


    Thursday was a full on day, the electrtion came to sort the alarm, the one which just fell off the wall and did some odd jobs, he had lunch and breakfast.
    My friend came and did our hair, I really needed my colour done, the odd job man had a haircut too. She stayed for lunch and a chat which was nice. However, in the middle of lunch the doorbell rang and it's the guy to fit the loft ladder, he was due on Friday but was in the area......talk about a full house!

    J had to go to bed in the afternoon while I cleaned up

    @Beads I do feel a lot better than I was, the funny thing is the doctor prescribed medication which I took for three weeks and all it did was make me void of feelings and sleepy. Better just sticking to wine, the tablets are in the bin.

    Well I'm behind on my chores today, the washing is in, J is up and eating breakfast he didn't have supper last night and is starving!

    I have to go to the garage today and get my car back, it's been in getting the door fixed after the break in. Then the chiropodist is here at 4 so another busy day.

    Take care everyone it's Friday which is wine day........

    Mia x
     
  6. margherita

    margherita Registered User

    May 30, 2017
    2,152
    Female
    Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
    Hi @MIA56 ,
    I feel tired just reading how busy you have been this week.
    Re the argument about the meds J. didn't want to take, my husband sometimes says he won't take them because he wants to die..And I answer he can feel free to die, if that is what he wants and leave the room.
    OH ,too seems not to remember our arguments, but I wonder if he can't really remember or only pretends not to because he is afraid I may decide to leave him.
     
  7. Beads

    Beads Registered User

    Jul 19, 2017
    494
    Hi @Hopeful123 how are you, has he had no memory at all for all 8 years or just recently.I know what you mean about others thinking how well they look. It’s also because they put on such a show for them it makes us look like we have been telling lies . Then when they have gone they return to there Grumpy mode. Hence my thread. I think you have done remarkable to cope all this time on your own & to now just be getting some help. Hope when you do get respite sorted he goes ok. You need to look after yourself also.. My OHs short term memory is non existent now. He was only diagnosed 2016 However I know he has had this for 5 or even 6 years . He has Alz/vas . His mobility is limited it took him all his effort when we were on holiday to walk short distances. You take care Hopeful123 speak soon A x
     
  8. Hopeful123

    Hopeful123 Registered User

    Oct 24, 2015
    204
    West yorks
    Hi Beads. It’s been a gradual downhill,I used to have a weeks holiday with my friends but had to give this up 6 years ago- he would not have been able to cope on his own. Went out fir a meal with my friends about 4 years ago,was home by 10ish, but he’d been phoning my daughter to see where I was, so I gave that up too. Gave up my aerobic class as I came home one day & he’d dug a hole at side of our hut & emptied remains of a large tin of paint in it,covering it up with a layer of soil.I had to lay a paving slab over it. So it wasn’t worth leaving him. His memory has been bad for about 5/6 years to where we are now, non existent. I realized recently why he couldn’t do anything I asked of him- it’s because he no longer knows what the words are eg couldn’t put something on the table ‘cos he doesn’t know what a table is etc. My family are back from their hols now and been talking about how I must chase this respite up & even think of permanent care as I have no life of my own( feel selfish when I write that) I can’t see me going down that road yet, so we’ll see how I cope if we manage Day Care & respite. So that’s the position at the moment, heartbreaking, really, am welling up as I write. Must get a backbone! Thank you for your concern, take care hopeful 123 xx
     
  9. Grahamstown

    Grahamstown Registered User

    Jan 12, 2018
    492
    Cambs
    @Hopeful123 I am so sorry that you are feeling like this but I don’t think you are selfish at all. I feel a bit the same as my husband gets worse and worse, can barely retain information for any length of time and I find it more and more difficult to leave him alone. My family have got back from holidays today too and when my daughter called I didn’t really want to tell her how he was and heard all about her holiday. This living with dementia really does your head in and a feeling of wanting some relief is only too human. I feel it too but he couldn’t look after himself and I couldn’t ask anyone else to undertake his care at the moment.
     
  10. imsoblue

    imsoblue Registered User

    Feb 19, 2018
    328
    Let It Go from Disney’s Frozen.

    I posted my thoughts today on my thread “imsoblue”
     
  11. Beads

    Beads Registered User

    Jul 19, 2017
    494
    Morning all today we are supposed to be going to see my SIL she has the same as her brother my OH plus just before we went on holiday she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer as if she didn’t already have enough to contend with . She is in hospital & speaking to her daughter they didn’t think she would last this long she said the only godsend about her having dementia is she can’t remember being told of the cancer. She has been such a fighter over the years she has had 6 strokes 5heart attacks & a cardiac arrest & now this. Such a lovely person life can be so cruel. I hope when OH gets up he isn’t coughing & sneezing as he has been since coming back from France . I was gonna ring her daughter & say I think we should not come visit because of OHs cold, but I’m gonna go because next weekend could be too late . I told OH about his sister when I was told however he has forgotten. Will have to tell him again when we get there it’s a good hour & a bit drive. Certainly not looking forward to this so sad. Speak soon hope you all have a peaceful weekend. xx
     
  12. Beads

    Beads Registered User

    Jul 19, 2017
    494
    Love this cant tell you how many times I have seen it with granddaughter.x
     
  13. Beads

    Beads Registered User

    Jul 19, 2017
    494
    Hi @Hopeful123 you should not feel selfish at all I think you have done an amazing job looking after your OH for as long as you have on your own. You are to be admired bless you. You have not had any time to yourself for years you deserve it . I can understand it’s heartbreaking but you have to think of yourself now. You can still look after your OH if he was to go in care plus you would have time to do what you want to do. I think your life has been on hold long enough & now is the time to let the professionals take over. Who would look after you if you were to take Ill we have to think about ourselves .I know it’s not easy but do think about yourself now you deserve your life back you have done more than enough. You take good care of yourself thinking about you & sending (((hugs))) your way. Axx keep in touch.
     
  14. Beads

    Beads Registered User

    Jul 19, 2017
    494
    I
    I agree Grahamstown we are only human & it is normal to have these thoughts. I must have them numerous times a day . Axx
     
  15. Grahamstown

    Grahamstown Registered User

    Jan 12, 2018
    492
    Cambs
    Thank you @Beads I was just having a moment and thought I must get some comfort from TP and there it was. I don’t really cry just feel teary but sometimes it overwhelmes you, doesn’t it, as you watch your previously vigorous husband sitting vacantly doing nothing and then going up to lie down, again doing nothing. I don’t feel angry or frustrated now because I just have to get on with it. But sometimes you just need to let off steam somewhere and here is best rather than burdening your children who find it painful enough as it is to see their father declining.
     
  16. Beads

    Beads Registered User

    Jul 19, 2017
    494
    We all need to let off steam & as you say TP is the right place as we are never judged as so many are going through the same . I too just get on with it but I do feel resentful & anger at my retirement plans been snatched before my very eyes & carer role in its place. As I didn’t have a good marriage to start with & I had such plans which will now never happen. There are days when I just want to scream like today is one of them . I am going to put a post on it will be a rant really but oh I could just take off. Let off steam all you like Grahamstown makes us feel better. Axx
     
  17. Grahamstown

    Grahamstown Registered User

    Jan 12, 2018
    492
    Cambs
    @Beads yes it’s a bad day for me too, just the same old, same old, nothing in particular but some days it just hits harder than others.
     
  18. Beads

    Beads Registered User

    Jul 19, 2017
    494
    Well we not going to visit SIL . Grumpy comes downstairs I said about going to see his sister. Was just explaining the way I would be going as it is quite a journey. Next thing his potty mouth takes over told me to shut my mouth & don’t talk to him with the f word in front of this. So I said I’m just saying the route I’m taking & he gets louder shouting. Just unbelievable I walked out of the kitchen he’s gone back to bed . Normal service resumed. What a life no change that because it isn’t it’s an existence. A miserable one at that. This has been brewing as he hasn’t hardly spoken since coming back from France. The only reason it didn’t kick off there was because he was trying to be ok in front of all the family & in laws playing host mode to a fine artt. I’ve told neice we won’t be visiting not the fowl mood he is in not risking it .She said I totally understand . I only hope I do get to see her before it’s too late even if I have to go on my own. What annoys me the most Is I can’t say that it is the dementia as this is what he has been like throughout our marriage . He would just fly off in a temper over nothing & then either take off to bed out of the way or go out in the car .That is why the kids if they had anything they wanted to talk about would never go too him as they knew he would lose it . They learnt at an early age of his temper & reasoning (lack of). Over the years when a situation arose I needed to talk to someone I could never go to him. Well I will do some housework & keep busy as I am so annoyed. Rant over. Axx
     
  19. Beads

    Beads Registered User

    Jul 19, 2017
    494
    I know what you mean it’s like been in limbo . Our lives are on hold but we are getting older. I have said many a time I wonder if I can survive this. I know I am strong willed but I sometimes think I don’t even know if I want to see this through with him . Might sound awful but can’t help the way I feel. Axx
     
  20. margherita

    margherita Registered User

    May 30, 2017
    2,152
    Female
    Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
    Beads, I had been longing for retirement for so long. I thought I would be free to travel, meet with my friends, look after stray dogs..
    Instead , here I am, under house arrest...
     

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