1. Q&A: Looking after yourself as a carer - Friday 25 January, 3-4pm

    As a carer for a person living with dementia, the needs of that person will often come before your own, and this can mean that you don't always look after yourself.

    However, it's important for both you and the person you care for. But how do you do that properly?

    Our next expert Q&A will be on looking after yourself as a carer. It will be hosted by Angelo from our Knowledge Services team, who focuses on wellbeing. He'll be answering your questions on Friday 25 January between 3-4pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

Grumpy OH

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Beads, Aug 14, 2017.

  1. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    1,237
    Poor you, I know someone married to a man like that and he does not even have dementia. A double whammy for you. Give yourself a hug and hold on to the thought of cuddling the new baby when arrives.
     
  2. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    1,876
    Not long ago, this year in fact, I felt dizzy with excitement because I had managed to escape to collect the laundry just down the road. Gxxx
     
  3. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    1,876
    Ah, sweetheart, do you mean Let it be ... if not, I must look up let it go. Yes, step away, fights are too wearing, they jangle us. Let the daughters worry about it. See if you can. with love, Kindredxx
     
  4. Rosebush

    Rosebush Registered User

    Apr 2, 2018
    820
    Hi Hopeful 123, got up late today, so didn't get to Aldi, and we've only managed 1 dog walk so far, so it's off to Aldi tomorrow, but the good news is eldest son is coming tomorrow, so that will break up the day, they have just come back from Devon(it's been nearly 3 years since I went away):( Well time to have that curry I took out of the freezer earlier.Hope you enjoyed your beef curry. Lx
     
  5. Tinas7

    Tinas7 Registered User

    Jun 5, 2018
    23
    #1025 Tinas7, Aug 9, 2018
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 11, 2018
    Hello Mia

    How are you feeling after your visit from your Great Grandchildren?
    I had a visit from the boys today and thought of you during the laughter that they bring. They are such fun when they arrive full of their tales of the week.
    They had both been fishing in the stream with daddy so lots of soggy sandals and how this happened.
    Hopefully your GGC brought lots of joy to you and J. Does he know them?
    Apologies I am presuming they are your they are your daughters GC when you look forward to them visiting. Please take care of you & J.

    God bless xx
     
  6. Hopeful123

    Hopeful123 Registered User

    Oct 24, 2015
    307
    West yorks
    Hi Rosebush, it does you good to have a sleep in on occasions. Got to enjoy the little pleasures when we can sorry to hear you’ve not had a holiday for three years, feel guilty now for moaning. I won’t be taking OH away anymore, just hope I sort something out to give me a break. Curry was I don’t seem to enjoy food as much as I used to, hark at me, moaning again. Take care hopeful 123
     
  7. margherita

    margherita Registered User

    May 30, 2017
    2,265
    Female
    Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
    I know that sensation ..It's what I feel when I manage to go to the supermarket on my own.
     
  8. imsoblue

    imsoblue Registered User

    Feb 19, 2018
    346
    "Let It Be" from the Beatles. "Let it go" from the Disney movie 'Frozen.' That One (la la daughter) came to visit him today. I was at work. When I called to check on him (figuring she had left town by then) they were at the Apple Store getting his phone repaired. I had bought it used and come to find out, it had an "invisible" protection screen on it. Now that it is removed, hopefully he can swipe it better and not get so frustrated. A texting conversation began with her sending me a photo of what was removed. And then she texted, "also, changed the eye doc to Thursday the 28th, 1:00. I'll take him." No matter what, I mean NO MATTER WHAT he would not change that eye doctor appointment. He had to go immediately. Yet, it's now changed. I also just got a text from him "Make it?" I called him and sweetly asked, "what did you think I was making?" Oh, that text was meant for That One (meaning did she "make it" home.) I don't get that kind of attention and concern. I quickly said "Oh sorry, I'll hang up". And I did. It's so weird. I will now sing "Let HIM go". He has dementia so it's not his fault, yet I am making sure he has all that he may need (dropped new wheel chair wheels off at 7AM on my way to work) but there is no awareness of it. I don't think I'll visit him for awhile. I'm hurt. (That sounds so dumb. Hurt by a PWD.) And my brain knows that he may not even understand how I feel. My heart doesn't know that though. My heart feels stomped on. AGAIN. Maybe he won't even miss me i.e. until he needs something.
     
  9. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    1,237
    This is the problem isn't it, head knowledge and heart knowledge out of sync, I find it happens more when tired. Take care of yourself. Sometimes people instinctively take it out on the person they trust most because they trust them not to leave. Frustrating at best.
     
  10. margherita

    margherita Registered User

    May 30, 2017
    2,265
    Female
    Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
    Wise decision. Take care of yourself first. Don't let anyone hurt you as far as possible. No matter they hurt you voluntarily or involuntarily. Wounds are always painful.
     
  11. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    1,876
    Oh my darling. Thank you, I haven't seen frozen but let it go seems the best philosophy here, even though the pain is so great. Oh course you can be hurt by a person with dementia. We are human beings, not machines. with love, Geraldinexxxaka kindred
     
  12. margherita

    margherita Registered User

    May 30, 2017
    2,265
    Female
    Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
    Hi @MIA56 ,
    I feel tired just reading how busy you have been this week.
    Re the argument about the meds J. didn't want to take, my husband sometimes says he won't take them because he wants to die..And I answer he can feel free to die, if that is what he wants and leave the room.
    OH ,too seems not to remember our arguments, but I wonder if he can't really remember or only pretends not to because he is afraid I may decide to leave him.
     
  13. Beads

    Beads Registered User

    Jul 19, 2017
    535
    Hi @Hopeful123 how are you, has he had no memory at all for all 8 years or just recently.I know what you mean about others thinking how well they look. It’s also because they put on such a show for them it makes us look like we have been telling lies . Then when they have gone they return to there Grumpy mode. Hence my thread. I think you have done remarkable to cope all this time on your own & to now just be getting some help. Hope when you do get respite sorted he goes ok. You need to look after yourself also.. My OHs short term memory is non existent now. He was only diagnosed 2016 However I know he has had this for 5 or even 6 years . He has Alz/vas . His mobility is limited it took him all his effort when we were on holiday to walk short distances. You take care Hopeful123 speak soon A x
     
  14. Hopeful123

    Hopeful123 Registered User

    Oct 24, 2015
    307
    West yorks
    Hi Beads. It’s been a gradual downhill,I used to have a weeks holiday with my friends but had to give this up 6 years ago- he would not have been able to cope on his own. Went out fir a meal with my friends about 4 years ago,was home by 10ish, but he’d been phoning my daughter to see where I was, so I gave that up too. Gave up my aerobic class as I came home one day & he’d dug a hole at side of our hut & emptied remains of a large tin of paint in it,covering it up with a layer of soil.I had to lay a paving slab over it. So it wasn’t worth leaving him. His memory has been bad for about 5/6 years to where we are now, non existent. I realized recently why he couldn’t do anything I asked of him- it’s because he no longer knows what the words are eg couldn’t put something on the table ‘cos he doesn’t know what a table is etc. My family are back from their hols now and been talking about how I must chase this respite up & even think of permanent care as I have no life of my own( feel selfish when I write that) I can’t see me going down that road yet, so we’ll see how I cope if we manage Day Care & respite. So that’s the position at the moment, heartbreaking, really, am welling up as I write. Must get a backbone! Thank you for your concern, take care hopeful 123 xx
     
  15. Grahamstown

    Grahamstown Registered User

    Jan 12, 2018
    708
    East of England
    @Hopeful123 I am so sorry that you are feeling like this but I don’t think you are selfish at all. I feel a bit the same as my husband gets worse and worse, can barely retain information for any length of time and I find it more and more difficult to leave him alone. My family have got back from holidays today too and when my daughter called I didn’t really want to tell her how he was and heard all about her holiday. This living with dementia really does your head in and a feeling of wanting some relief is only too human. I feel it too but he couldn’t look after himself and I couldn’t ask anyone else to undertake his care at the moment.
     
  16. imsoblue

    imsoblue Registered User

    Feb 19, 2018
    346
    Let It Go from Disney’s Frozen.

    I posted my thoughts today on my thread “imsoblue”
     
  17. Beads

    Beads Registered User

    Jul 19, 2017
    535
    Morning all today we are supposed to be going to see my SIL she has the same as her brother my OH plus just before we went on holiday she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer as if she didn’t already have enough to contend with . She is in hospital & speaking to her daughter they didn’t think she would last this long she said the only godsend about her having dementia is she can’t remember being told of the cancer. She has been such a fighter over the years she has had 6 strokes 5heart attacks & a cardiac arrest & now this. Such a lovely person life can be so cruel. I hope when OH gets up he isn’t coughing & sneezing as he has been since coming back from France . I was gonna ring her daughter & say I think we should not come visit because of OHs cold, but I’m gonna go because next weekend could be too late . I told OH about his sister when I was told however he has forgotten. Will have to tell him again when we get there it’s a good hour & a bit drive. Certainly not looking forward to this so sad. Speak soon hope you all have a peaceful weekend. xx
     
  18. Beads

    Beads Registered User

    Jul 19, 2017
    535
    Love this cant tell you how many times I have seen it with granddaughter.x
     
  19. Beads

    Beads Registered User

    Jul 19, 2017
    535
    Hi @Hopeful123 you should not feel selfish at all I think you have done an amazing job looking after your OH for as long as you have on your own. You are to be admired bless you. You have not had any time to yourself for years you deserve it . I can understand it’s heartbreaking but you have to think of yourself now. You can still look after your OH if he was to go in care plus you would have time to do what you want to do. I think your life has been on hold long enough & now is the time to let the professionals take over. Who would look after you if you were to take Ill we have to think about ourselves .I know it’s not easy but do think about yourself now you deserve your life back you have done more than enough. You take good care of yourself thinking about you & sending (((hugs))) your way. Axx keep in touch.
     
  20. Beads

    Beads Registered User

    Jul 19, 2017
    535
    I
    I agree Grahamstown we are only human & it is normal to have these thoughts. I must have them numerous times a day . Axx
     

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