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Gripe about social services and lack of support


Registered User
Mar 13, 2012
It's been ages since I posted but I was hoping to get some perspective from the board. My mother has a diagnosis of dementia and has always had a difficult personality. Since my father died in 2012 she has deteriorated quite a bit. I find her very difficult to support. We (my teen son) live with her so she has a big impact on our lives.
Over the years I have tried to get support for both her and my father (when he was alive) but both parents were very resistant to outside help, expecting me to do everything and pay for everything.
I believe we're now at a tipping point with my mother and think the level of support she gets should be upped. She is no longer taking her medicine unless prompted (previously it was such an ingrained habit that she did take them in the morning), she doesn't want to eat most of the time, she is no longer washing and she doesn't change her clothes. I have absolutely no intention, when the incontinence comes to manage that.
We have paid for years for private carers to come in but Ma will only accept one of them, who while nice is pretty useless at getting her to change, wash or eat. She's chased three others away and the agency seem incapable of understanding that as she deteriorates she needs a different kind of support. I'm speaking to another agency to see if they've a more robust attitude to supporting people living with dementia.
Both I and my aunt (her sister) feel she'd be better off moving to a care home where people with training would be able to care for her, ensure her relatively minor medical needs are met and she wouldn't be so isolated. My Ma won't even consider it even thought she happily tells her carer her life is "terrible" and I'm awful, which I probably am because after all these years I'm exhausted and simply don't want to look after her any more. Also, I know I'm not equipped to look after her as she slides into the end stage.
Last year I contacted social services to see if we could finally get some input from them. This was a spectacular own goal. The social worker accused me of wanting to "crucify my mother for a little bit of memory loss", sneered at me and said "What do you do for your mother? You're never around." And suggested we sell the house and buy Ma a flat where she could live on her own. My mum has never ever lived on her own and quite how she could do that at this stage in her life I've no idea. The social worker left our house convinced I was a monster who was after my mother's money. Both she and the social worker from the memory clinic say Ma has capacity even though the consultant from the memory clinic told me in 2013 that Ma lacked capacity.
What I really don't understand is how in a shared home like ours can my mum's utterly unreasonable behaviour be allowed to blight mine and my son's lives? My son has developed a number of health problems because of the stress within the household, he did poorly in his GCSEs because of his home life, he never has any friends round because he's so embarrassed by his gran's behaviour. I'm not suggesting anybody's rights should trump anybody else's but surely all our well being should be taken into account by these outside agencies?
I'd be really interested if other people who live in a multi generational house could let me know how they manage their support. Sorry for the long post and thanks for reading.


Registered User
Oct 18, 2010
North East England
You have every right to be crying out for help. I really hope you reported that Social Worker, she had no business saying anything at all like that. It's disgraceful.

If in a CH, would Mum be self-funding? If she is then you technically don't need to involve the SS, but I would ask for another Needs assessment for Mum and for yourself. You need much more support than you are getting ( d'uh obvious I know, to us:rolleyes:).


Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
Rosie, I too have found that all the services which I have been told about are no longer available when you need them. I regard myself of two years ago with some amusement because I was so naive.

A couple of weeks ago I had a bad spell and broke down in tears in front of service providers on two occasions. I won't say that all has been resolved but I have had arrangements made in quick succession for three separate days. I intend to be more proactive rather than simply hoping for the best. I have to agree that the SW was out of order and should be reported.