1. Maleficent_

    Maleficent_ Registered User

    Jan 26, 2015
    3
    I'm not really sure how to use this as I am new but my nan has been diagnosed with dementia about a year ago even though she had got it years prior. It's been a struggle dealing with it but I could usually do it. My mother and aunt were her main carers (she's now in a care home) her dementia has gradually gotten worse. I'm just unsure of how I'm feeling I know she isn't my nan anymore only physically and sometimes not even physically cause I don't recognise Her she looks different in the eyes. She was recently sectioned (she's back in care home now) after a traumatic move to the new care home and she just cried to come home with us and then tells us she hates us and wants to die she is 90 years old but other than the dementia nothing is physically wrong with her. I'm finding it very hard to go and visit her and people tell me I'm grieving but im just unsure because I've never grieved before. Is it normal to not want to spend time with them and to have feelings of depression and anxiety over the situation? I'm just lost within it all
     
  2. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,803
    Female
    South coast
    The feelings of depression, anxiety and being lost are all common with grief. You probably are grieving for the nan who changed and you feel you have lost.

    The problem with dementia is that its somehow neither one thing nor another: your nan is still here, yet somehow gone; she is still her, yet somehow not. Its like living in limbo.

    Im not sure that you ever completly come to erms with it until they are truly gone, but in the meantime try and see snatches of your nan in her turn of phrase or smile. Keep visits short, try and get her to talk about things from her youth (they can often remember things from 40 yrs ago really well) and tell her the old family stories if she cant remember.
     
  3. Maleficent_

    Maleficent_ Registered User

    Jan 26, 2015
    3
    Thank you for your reply. Yes it does feel like limbo and that there is no end to all this. Thank you for just putting my thoughts to rest as I was unsure of who to ask or who could give me advice as I don't know anyone that's dealing with someone with dementia
     
  4. cerridwen

    cerridwen Registered User

    Dec 29, 2012
    99
    Gloucestershire
    Maleficent, it sounds like grief to me. I Have very much similar feelings for my Dad. My Dad has mixed dementia (vascular and Alz) and had his recent physical check up (he's a diabetic). The test results came back that he is as fit as he's ever been, so he will go on physically for a quite a while but his brain has gone. He is not my Dad anymore. I provide some care for him, clothes washing, shopping, doctor appointments, cleaning, bill paying etc and he has carers three times a day to his home, but I feel very reluctant to go round to see him. Sometimes, if I am low I can't bear to see him. This is problematical because I am a carer but I work full time, which is a bit of a good distraction.
    I realise I am grieving the loss of him as a person. I am also grieving my Mum who died suddenly last June. Sometimes just accepting that you are grieving for the person can help. Can you talk to your parents? They may feel the same.
    Love,
    Jayne
     
  5. Vesnina

    Vesnina Registered User

    Aug 25, 2013
    179
    This is a very beautiful post Canary has put, and especially important I find the part
    We had used to lean on our parents and grandparents...
    but the occasion may come for us to offer our support - if we can find the necessary strength.

    Although I never start from this part, I believe it is rewarding to try to remember,
    and to perceive a weakened person as a whole with his or her past.

    Although it is difficult to recognize the dear person in the shell of today,
    there may be enough of remains,

    and they may be made happy,

    with our success in peeling the illness
    and finding the true core of the dear person.

    And we then can be made happy
    when a response happens,
    if we are good at it,

    and lucky.
     
  6. Maleficent_

    Maleficent_ Registered User

    Jan 26, 2015
    3
    Thanks for your reply Jayne,
    Im sorry about your mom and current situation with your dad :( I never knew what it was like to grieve before, I already have depression with my own problems but I think this just sent it spiralling. I can talk to my mom but I think she's finding it hard herself but just tells me that my nans going to be around for a while and she doesn't think its grief but she's the main carer and was doing 12 hour days until other carers came in and I think she's grieving in her own way kind of like shes in denial if that's pssible.
     

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