Tonight is the worst l have felt since mum died 7 weeks ago. The week has resumed some normality with the children going back to school, but in that norm despite having watched mum die over 8 days l have questioned whether she has actually passed away. Her death doesn’t fit into normality so it didn’t happen. Sadly the images l have repeatedly assaulting my mind of the last 8 days remind me that of course she did, so why am l questioning it?
Tonight l have cried, full heart breaking tears which l have stored for a few days and l need it. I sat outside with a fire, a few glasses of wine chatting to my husband, but l couldn’t cry in front of him. This saddens me but tonight l have realised why. The day after mum died, l wanted to be back home to my family as my youngest daughter was having her last day at primary school the following day. I was obviously very sad but the first words my husband said was “don’t cry” and that was that. I sucked in the tears and have only cried on my own at home. I’ve realised those words stop me from crying in front of him. How do l get beyond that? l’ve had to say to him before about listening and acknowledging as he is a fixer always positive but now l can’t say anything.
Tonight l don’t know what to do. I feel so lonely with my grief. I know that others, you, have experienced worse than me, but it’s all relative and at the moment it’s dreadful, l can’t see any happiness. A friend said to me to day how empty it must feel when all the initial condolences have been offered, but life carries on-so true. Tonight l just want to talk about mum, talk about the trauma of the last 8 days, talk about the bond l felt between my brothers, myself and dad in those that’s few hours, talk about the pain which is so raw it’s feels like it was yesterday. I know l will move on as many others have done before me, but wow full respect as it is just so unbelievably tough. I don’t want to go to bed as when l close my eyes the images bombard me and deprive me of sleep once again. I know sleep will eventually get the better of me, but tonight is one of those nights, which l know you understand. I know l’ve I’ll be ok and l keep trying to think of positive images of mum, but it’s a lot harder than l thought it would be.
Thank you for listening. The only safe space with people who truly understand.
Tonight l have cried, full heart breaking tears which l have stored for a few days and l need it. I sat outside with a fire, a few glasses of wine chatting to my husband, but l couldn’t cry in front of him. This saddens me but tonight l have realised why. The day after mum died, l wanted to be back home to my family as my youngest daughter was having her last day at primary school the following day. I was obviously very sad but the first words my husband said was “don’t cry” and that was that. I sucked in the tears and have only cried on my own at home. I’ve realised those words stop me from crying in front of him. How do l get beyond that? l’ve had to say to him before about listening and acknowledging as he is a fixer always positive but now l can’t say anything.
Tonight l don’t know what to do. I feel so lonely with my grief. I know that others, you, have experienced worse than me, but it’s all relative and at the moment it’s dreadful, l can’t see any happiness. A friend said to me to day how empty it must feel when all the initial condolences have been offered, but life carries on-so true. Tonight l just want to talk about mum, talk about the trauma of the last 8 days, talk about the bond l felt between my brothers, myself and dad in those that’s few hours, talk about the pain which is so raw it’s feels like it was yesterday. I know l will move on as many others have done before me, but wow full respect as it is just so unbelievably tough. I don’t want to go to bed as when l close my eyes the images bombard me and deprive me of sleep once again. I know sleep will eventually get the better of me, but tonight is one of those nights, which l know you understand. I know l’ve I’ll be ok and l keep trying to think of positive images of mum, but it’s a lot harder than l thought it would be.
Thank you for listening. The only safe space with people who truly understand.