Grieving is tougher than l thought it’d be

[Curly25]

Tonight is the worst l have felt since mum died 7 weeks ago. The week has resumed some normality with the children going back to school, but in that norm despite having watched mum die over 8 days l have questioned whether she has actually passed away. Her death doesn’t fit into normality so it didn’t happen. Sadly the images l have repeatedly assaulting my mind of the last 8 days remind me that of course she did, so why am l questioning it?

Tonight l have cried, full heart breaking tears which l have stored for a few days and l need it. I sat outside with a fire, a few glasses of wine chatting to my husband, but l couldn’t cry in front of him. This saddens me but tonight l have realised why. The day after mum died, l wanted to be back home to my family as my youngest daughter was having her last day at primary school the following day. I was obviously very sad but the first words my husband said was “don’t cry” and that was that. I sucked in the tears and have only cried on my own at home. I’ve realised those words stop me from crying in front of him. How do l get beyond that? l’ve had to say to him before about listening and acknowledging as he is a fixer always positive but now l can’t say anything.

Tonight l don’t know what to do. I feel so lonely with my grief. I know that others, you, have experienced worse than me, but it’s all relative and at the moment it’s dreadful, l can’t see any happiness. A friend said to me to day how empty it must feel when all the initial condolences have been offered, but life carries on-so true. Tonight l just want to talk about mum, talk about the trauma of the last 8 days, talk about the bond l felt between my brothers, myself and dad in those that’s few hours, talk about the pain which is so raw it’s feels like it was yesterday. I know l will move on as many others have done before me, but wow full respect as it is just so unbelievably tough. I don’t want to go to bed as when l close my eyes the images bombard me and deprive me of sleep once again. I know sleep will eventually get the better of me, but tonight is one of those nights, which l know you understand. I know l’ve I’ll be ok and l keep trying to think of positive images of mum, but it’s a lot harder than l thought it would be.
Thank you for listening. The only safe space with people who truly understand.

 

[jennifer1967]

im very sorry about your mum. i think its better to let it out and cry and do whatever you need to do just to release all the feelings. talking to your brothers and dad might be good to make sense and and have some sort of closure. they may well be feeling like you. you need to be kind to yourself and take the time to look after you

 

[Jessbow]

Sit your husband down, and explain to him, that you need to share with him, be it tears or smiles.
Presumably losing a parent is something he hasn't done yet?

When he said ''don't cry' maybe he just couldn't verbalise that he didnt want her to go on as she was?

Sorry if thats way off beam- Its desperately hard when people dont know the right thing to say.
Please dont cry alone x

 

[canary]

Grief takes many different forms.
When dad died it all seemed so unreal I couldnt believe it. At the funeral I almost expected a film director to jump out and say "No, no! Can we just do that bit again!". When mum died I accepted it, but just felt numb.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve and your emotions will be all over the place. Please try and talk to your husband, you need to talk, and he needs to hear

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

[Grannie G]

When people say `don`t cry` it usually means they don`t know what to do or how to help.

Ask your husband to accept your tears @Curly25. It is one of the best ways to release your emotions.

 

[nita]

That's very sad, @Curly25 - perhaps your husband didn't literally mean "don't cry" but it was just a reflex sympathetic response to your distress. Have you tried talking to him and telling him you will feel better if you can let it out? Also, what about talking to your brothers and your Dad who you bonded with other shared grief. The upsetting images will fade with time although I'm afraid they do recur momentarily later but you should start to have memories of your mother when she was fit and well. You could also try counselling where you can fully express your feelings and unburden yourself. There are dedicated bereavement counselling services or ones for people who are carers or have been carers. I hope you can find a sympathetic shoulder - you shouldn't keep this to yourself.

 

[Hazara8]

Tonight is the worst l have felt since mum died 7 weeks ago. The week has resumed some normality with the children going back to school, but in that norm despite having watched mum die over 8 days l have questioned whether she has actually passed away. Her death doesn’t fit into normality so it didn’t happen. Sadly the images l have repeatedly assaulting my mind of the last 8 days remind me that of course she did, so why am l questioning it?

Tonight l have cried, full heart breaking tears which l have stored for a few days and l need it. I sat outside with a fire, a few glasses of wine chatting to my husband, but l couldn’t cry in front of him. This saddens me but tonight l have realised why. The day after mum died, l wanted to be back home to my family as my youngest daughter was having her last day at primary school the following day. I was obviously very sad but the first words my husband said was “don’t cry” and that was that. I sucked in the tears and have only cried on my own at home. I’ve realised those words stop me from crying in front of him. How do l get beyond that? l’ve had to say to him before about listening and acknowledging as he is a fixer always positive but now l can’t say anything.

Tonight l don’t know what to do. I feel so lonely with my grief. I know that others, you, have experienced worse than me, but it’s all relative and at the moment it’s dreadful, l can’t see any happiness. A friend said to me to day how empty it must feel when all the initial condolences have been offered, but life carries on-so true. Tonight l just want to talk about mum, talk about the trauma of the last 8 days, talk about the bond l felt between my brothers, myself and dad in those that’s few hours, talk about the pain which is so raw it’s feels like it was yesterday. I know l will move on as many others have done before me, but wow full respect as it is just so unbelievably tough. I don’t want to go to bed as when l close my eyes the images bombard me and deprive me of sleep once again. I know sleep will eventually get the better of me, but tonight is one of those nights, which l know you understand. I know l’ve I’ll be ok and l keep trying to think of positive images of mum, but it’s a lot harder than l thought it would be.
Thank you for listening. The only safe space with people who truly understand.

That is a powerful post and clearly from the heart. It reflects the depth of meaning behind it, which might be shared by many who also find themselves subject to a loss of their own, but alike each one of us, must face that loss directly with all it entails and try not to rationalise nor deny how one feels. We can laugh seemingly quite freely and with a genuine sense of accord and communication and without introspection when the heart is full of joy. But the loss of someone we cherish, love, which has been a part of us throughout life, as with a mother, leaves us somehow lost amidst a turmoil of emotion and grief and confusion, expressed through tears and pained remembrance and the raw unabiding truth that it cannot be changed. It is an immense moment in a life, because in fact that " normality" which surrounds that moment and which becomes suddenly so very apparent during the period in which you express -- the outside world going about its business as usual and oblivious to your plight -- is not in fact in touch with that reality you now confront. It is the " loss" which generates such depth of feelings, regret, despair a sense of unreality condensed into moments of random thoughts - all of which questions the normality going on all around you. Intellectually we acknowledge life and death, but the truth of it seems to inflict tremendous sorrow when it actually occurs. Therefore, to express feelings however challenging, as you have done openly, is a very positive thing. If the shedding of tears comes about during that expression, so be it. Sometimes involuntary crying allows dissipation of contained grief, physically releases that containment of painful thoughts and allows for a clearer mind. The nights can be long and overtly disturbing as in a bad dream. But in the morning, when that fleeting moment of awakening is completely free of anxiety and sorrow, that is what you are in truth. And when all the other floods into your mind and that uncompromising cloud of despair seems never ending, it is just that, a cloud . Then, when it clears, that " loss " will transform into something quite different.

 

[myss]

@Curly25 I'm sorry to read about how your mum passed away, that must have been dreadful for you to watch her over so many days in that state. That is enough to make me feel sad so you do not need anyone's permission if you need to cry. It's not just someone, it's your beloved Mum.

I agree with Jessbow about sitting with your husband and explaining that you need his support more so now than before, even if he doesn't know what to say or how to fix it for you, he just needs to be the firm support to give that hug, pass you that tissue, or listen to your upset. I'm thinking he said 'don't cry' to you before because he wants to fix it for you but knows he can't.

I can somewhat empathise on your pain. When my dad died in January this year, it's not only the death itself but other people interfering meant that he wasn't at home as he would have wanted and we got to the hospital too late when he eventually passed away.
Someone I know tends to make a joke or try make me laugh when I'm upset over my dad. I know they're not being intentionally rude but I had to tell them to stop it as it doesn't help.