Hi all. I hope i can share my story here. My mother had Alzheimers, she passed away last year. My father was unable to cope with caring for her anymore and he placed her in a care home. Overall the home wasnt bad although we had nothing to compare it with in terms of their experience with people with Alzheimers. Well not only did she not settle but within 3 months she was dead. She walked into the home albeit it with help. its such a long story to go into. she basically stopped eating. me and my dad never let a day pass without one of us being there with her. i had done my best to help my dad with her when i could but found it hard at times juggling that and 4 young kids. she was hospitalised because they wanted to rule out anything physical. personally i had learned a lot in caring for her and i think they were very inexperienced with people like her. the 'behaviour' as they called it really bothered them. again its so long to go into. the hospital were great and i really thought i could 'save' her. i spent every moment there which some would say is wonderful but all of you know how someone with alzheimers would be, she was like a scared child. at one stage they had to put a catheter in and she screamed and clung to me begging me to make them stop - i cried and cried after that episode. i just feel so guilty now. i helped my dad with all the paperwork for the home, i even brought her there because i was good at keeping her calm and explaining things to her, reassuring her. i feel guilty i didnt take her to my home (i did consider it and my husband would have been fine about it), i feel guilty i didnt tell my dad to take her out of the home, i feel guilty that i didnt spend more time with her when she wasnt very advanced. i feel so guilty for going on holidays when she went into the home, it was our first in over 3 years. you name it i feel guilty. i know on one hand that i did a lot, there wasnt one appointment i didnt take her to, i stayed weekends (not a lot) to let my dad go away but he eventually didnt want to bother, every weekend we would bring them to my house for lunch or take her out. i dealt with all her medical stuff and applications for support etc, i ran out of the house anytime there was a crisis and went to my parents home to help .but i will admit there were times i would avoid going to see her. i argued with my dad about stuff and i found it very depressing to be there and resentful of other siblings doing very little if anything and the stress of juggling the kids and my parents used to be too much sometimes. i used to feel very old. sorry if that is self pitying. my mum was 'dying' for nearly 2 weeks and i barely left her side. i stroked her hair and talked and talked to her and when she would struggle for breath near the end i would tell her how well she was doing. maybe it hurts more , the more you are involved. it was hard but there were nice times and i suppose why i feel so awful is that toward the end she was quite calm but my dad was burnt out. him and my mum had a great marriage and never ran out of things to say to each other. he was so good to her and it was awful that in the end (and dont judge him) i think he would have sent her anywhere that would have taken her, there was a lot of verbal abuse and agression from her at times and he , despite me constantly saying it wasnt her, would always take it so personally. me and the kids had lovely times with her, she adored them and my husband, he was the most unbelieveable son in law. i know it makes no sense on one hand, there are people i know who's parents have dementia and they leave everything up to others and i wonder how they can remove themselves from it. one person told me that when she visits her parent she doesnt stay long even though she wouldnt have seen them for over a month because she cant cope with the behaviour and yet i am tortured with guilt and can only look at what i didnt do rather than what i did. im sorry for such a long post but i feel i cant talk to anyone about this. my siblings dont talk about her really. and i suppose i feel if they had have mucked in we would have been able to keep her at home for longer. thanks for reading - if you are all not asleep i just dont know what to do. i bring her flowers because most weeks i used to buy her flowers , a nice bouquet if i was flush and a simple inexpensive bunch of carnations if i wasnt. when i walk into the supermarkets now and see the flower stalls i have to turn away. sorry again for going on and on.