Grief and rage, rage and grief!

[Wolfsgirl]

Hi just home from visiting Mum in the CH and really upset.

Teeth were missing on Sunday when we took her out for a drive and tea at cafe. No conversation but Mum happy looking at people and remarking 'look at that one' and 'she thinks she's it' etc. We had a giggle, together it was fine.

Today the hearing aid is missing AGAIN!!! I have explained over and over Mum does not have any hearing AT ALL in her right ear (childhood accident) and only 20% in her left ear which is why the hearing aid for that ear is so important.

When I arrived I was told her black shoes were missing! Not important but her handbag was also missing - again not that important but the hearing aid (HA for short) might have been in there! Made a thorough search of the bedroom whilst Mum looked through some photos and actually recognised some people, even me from about 30 years ago! No sign of the HA bud did find loads of rubbish and a sodden pad all of which I put in the EMPTY waste bin!

One of the carers found the handbag in another section and two pairs of shoes were crammed into it, lots of leaflets, other peoples cards, plastic gloves and glassses cases but no HA! One carer was sniggering at the contents of the handbag!!! 'she cracks me up!' Actually that is my MUM - I would not dream of disrespecting her! I did not say anything in case poor Mum suffers repercussions. Was told one of the other residents is getting quite cross with Mum! the eeks are because I was told this with a snigger!!!!

They seem to find it amusing to inform me that Mum 'pilfers' stuff belonging to others Hello, Mum has dementia is she really supposed to act like normal people?????

Poor Mum's chin wobbled when I was leaving, told me she hated it there. She seemed lucid I am in bits.

Can't type much more. Who is to blame for the missing teeth and HA?

I feel like swearing a lot just now.

 

[marionq]

Lodging a complain

I am no expert in care homes but my first thought would be to ask to speak to the manager. Missing items, lack of interest about teeth and hearing aid and worst of all a desrespective member of staff all send out red signals to me. If that is happening when you are there what are they saying or doing when you are not there.

You might have to start looking around and asking around about an alternative care home if you cannot get peace of mind for you and your Mum from this one.

 

[Wolfsgirl]

Please could others respond I need to have more than one opinion? Grannie G/Syliva am only half way through your 'story' and am mortified to think how much longer all this must go on for!

 

[Christin]

Hello Wolfsgirl, I think the matter of belongings going missing is very difficult. We certainly experienced this at home with things being thrown away or flushed down the loo. Its frustrating. Hearing aids, teeth, etc can be engraved nowadays, and I would write your mum's name inside her bag etc.

The behaviour of staff, though, can be helped. I would also make an appointment with the manager and raise this. Don't feel you shouldn't, your mum is probably not the only resident who is talked about in this manner.

My very best wishes to you all. x

 

[Jessbow]

Presumably whoever gets her up should put teeth & HA in, likewise whoever puts her to bed shuuld remove them.

I dont think the carer was laughing at her, I think perhaps more possibly a term of endearment- some of the things my mum does and says make me laugh, because of the absurdity. They clearly understand that she picks things up and stashes them- yes it possibly does upset others, but they are not making an issue. They accept that its par for the course,

I guess, just like your mum, there are others that pick things up and put them in funny places, Make it known that they are lost and hopefuly someone will put effort into finding them

 

[triumph25]

Grief & Rage

Hi,

My first thoughts would be for you to write out what has happened and then make an appointment to see the manager of the home. That way, you don't forget what has happened but at the same time you give yourself time to calm down a little and you can then have a sensible conversation with the home manager.

Do you know the names of the staff involved? If possible find out from the home how long those staff have been there and what training they receive in relation to dementia patients. Ask what ongoing training and assessments the staff receive.

It may be that these are newish staff that haven't yet been fully trained or alternatively that their training needs updating. However, I feel that this is more than likely a lack of compassion and understanding, and really the home should not engender such attitudes.

Ask the manager if they condone/accept such behaviour from their staff. They won't say they do, but it will make them feel very uncomfortable, and trust me they will have a stern word with the carer/s concerned.

Advise them that you are keeping a very close "eye" on things. That will send a very clear message that you are not a walkover!

Finally, if the home cannot meet your expectation in regards to mum's care you may have to consider another home. However, I don't know how that works with regards to funding if it comes from SS? You also have to find another home that is better, and risk the upheaval of moving mum, which has it's own pitfalls.

I feel it would be best to try and sort things out with the home direct first & see if things improve.

I would also advise the manager that you will give them time to rectify things, but if things do not improve within a reasonable timescale that you will consider moving mum elsewhere, and that you will report your findings to SS.

Hope this helps

 

[dognecks]

i was working in a care home... and yes things can go missing... but it didnt happen where i was as these are essentials for the elderly , i.e hearing aids there bags, and its not a laughing matter, its very serious as its part of there needs , speak to the manager , and what you found.... and say this shouldnt be happening, and if you find any more problems you will speak to quality care comm and that will sort things....

 

[Wolfsgirl]

I hope this is not a final thank you to those of you who have given me courage and ammunition. Your responses are very much appreciated. It is difficult to be rational when you feel emotional.

When I got home, I said to my husband I want to pick Mum up, take her back to Ireland and look after her myself. HUGE move and not practical - no other options but strangely enough it is what I want.

It there was a time limit I would definitely consider this properly.... husband will not. Mum is past the 'difficult' stage and is a sweetie, just like an innocent child.

I have never noticed Mum's accent and am furious to hear it being mocked!

F*****g 'choices' about showers My Mum chooses not being disrespected!!!

 

[kingmidas1962]

I am angry on your behalf - making fun of vulnerable folks is never acceptable. At all. Ever.

My dad lost something very small - a glass dish which we used to keep filled with sweets for him - and the home hunted high and low for it until it was found, sadly broken, but wrapped up in the kitchen and the carer didn't want to throw it away until she found out whose it had been - however I'd understand more if a missing item couldn't be found than if a member of staff was taking the p*** out of a resident.

The mockery is absolutely not on and those who did it need to be made to understand why not.

 

[Carabosse]

Although mum is home with me, the only experience she has of CH is going to daycare that's held in one and for respite. But if I ever found out any of the staff were sniggering about my mum god help them, I would ask if I could have a word with the manager and all staff (or those there on the day) and just ask them how the bloody hell they would feel if their mum was in a CH suffering from Alzheimer's and they found out the staff were making comments about her, what would they do, would they stand for it, no probably not so therefore please don't make comments about my mum.
As for things going missing that's the responsibility of the care home, the person who is in the CH is entrusted into their care and that includes their belongings. If your mum takes her HA out at night surely whoever is on duty at that time could put it somewhere safe and then give it back to your mum in the morning?
All sufferers of Alzheimer's 'take things' some its just a paper or tissues, my mum will take an extra napkin or two or extra pieces of toilet roll when she goes to the toilet, she is not doing it deliberately but because she can't remember she has already taken a bit. Those so called staff at the CH when (or if) they received training would know this, when you talk to the manager I would ask exactly what training the staff have had and maybe they need more re training.
Finally don't worry about upsetting the manager or any of the staff, your mum is your first priority and her needs come first, and you could do with the support of the staff and not have them doing or saying anything that's disrespectful to you or your mum no matter how innocent they thought the comment was, you have enough to worry about without anything else being added. BTW if you are on your own and want to swear, go ahead.

 

[Wolfsgirl]

Hi thank you all so much, I have had a good swear alone - but crying mostly [ I do sob out loud in the car as it frightens/upsents husband. Does not make great driving conditions.

I can be up front with anyone especially when fighting for the 'underdog' and especially my wonderful, in the past, most caring Mum.


Guilt because she would never have left me there so unhappy! It is only in the last week (been there x 3mths) she has been so bad....Hating this so much.

Thank you again esp Carabosse! Trying to


QUOTE=Carabosse;745963]Although mum is home with me, the only experience she has of CH is going to daycare that's held in one and for respite. But if I ever found out any of the staff were sniggering about my mum god help them, I would ask if I could have a word with the manager and all staff (or those there on the day) and just ask them how the bloody hell they would feel if their mum was in a CH suffering from Alzheimer's and they found out the staff were making comments about her, what would they do, would they stand for it, no probably not so therefore please don't make comments about my mum.
As for things going missing that's the responsibility of the care home, the person who is in the CH is entrusted into their care and that includes their belongings. If your mum takes her HA out at night surely whoever is on duty at that time could put it somewhere safe and then give it back to your mum in the morning?
All sufferers of Alzheimer's 'take things' some its just a paper or tissues, my mum will take an extra napkin or two or extra pieces of toilet roll when she goes to the toilet, she is not doing it deliberately but because she can't remember she has already taken a bit. Those so called staff at the CH when (or if) they received training would know this, when you talk to the manager I would ask exactly what training the staff have had and maybe they need more re training.
Finally don't worry about upsetting the manager or any of the staff, your mum is your first priority and her needs come first, and you could do with the support of the staff and not have them doing or saying anything that's disrespectful to you or your mum no matter how innocent they thought the comment was, you have enough to worry about without anything else being added. BTW if you are on your own and want to swear, go ahead.[/QUOTE]

 

[Margaret938]

Grief & Rage

Poor you, I can understand exactly how you feel. My husband was in Respite at a local care home, meant to be for 1 week, but I brought him home after a few days, because he was not being properly cared for, he was smelly and dirty when I brought him home. I felt that I had let him down so badly by subjecting him to this. He is now in a very nice CH clean and friendly, with excellent staff and he is kept clean which means a lot to me. I would agree with some of the other replies, go to the top and demand that your mother is treated in a more caring way, stand up for yours and your Mum's rights, make sure her belongings are found and put in a safe place where they are easily accessible for her, and above all do not accept second best or your Mum, she is very precious to you. These homes are charging enough for the patients they should be treating them with kid gloves.

 

[SWMBO1950]

I am sorry for the upset the CH staff have given you.

Things notoriously go missing in care homes and would not necessarily put it down to pilfering, just those who live there 'claiming them' as their own,

However the staffs attitude makes me mad . I do wonder if they would be happy for their vulnerable mother to be treated with such disrespect.

I agree with the others definately an appointment with the manager as staff obviously need training on how to treat people in the very least.

Best Wishes

 

[Margaret W]

Yes, you must make an appointment with the manager. They must either find your mum's hearing aid or arrange for another to be fitted for her. It is a basic right that she should be able to hear.

Nobody should mock your mother for her accent. The Irish voice is lovely and lilting, In mum's care home her best friend was a Scot with the strongest accent there is and the staff took the time to "understand" her.

Don't put up with any derision, speak to the manager.

Love

Margaret

 

[bmw777]

taking things to heart

it is hard to visualize whether the carer was being patronising or was just trying to make small talk ..and trying to make light of the situation , although it must be so annoying .
your mums hearing aid and teeth have gone missing . my mum is constantly mis placing her teeth , her hand bag , her purse everything in fact . i take things to heart , maybe cause i am so stressed with dealing with dementia ..