Dear Gloops
gloops said:
my lovely mum died in October after a long struggle over ;10 years with the ravages of alzheimers. I cannot begin to say how much I miss her and how much I loved her. I am told that with time I will remember her more when she was well and the memories will be sweeter. For now I think only of the final months and what the disease did to her. Perhaps, for us the bereavement process is a long one. Has anyone had any of these thoughts or had the same experience?
Gloops
I'm so sorry to hear your grief; it's the price we pay for loving someone and it is SO painful during the first year. Each "first time" seems to rub salt into the wound; the 1st Christmas, family Birthdays, Mother's Day, snowfall, Easter, springtime, summertime & other more personal memories.
My father died from cancer 6 months after diagnosis; I think it was about 2 years before I could get my memory back to the man he was pre-cancer, pre-hospital wards, pre- character change, pre-dying. His final 2 months seemed like one long living nightmare, and that stayed with me & haunted me for a long time.
For now I think only of the final months and what the disease did to her.
One thing which helped me was digging out old photos. 3 years after his death, my Mum was flying out to Australia for the first time to stay with my brother & his family, and wanted to make up a family album to show the kids. Making up that album cost us a lot of tears, but also enabled (forced?) us to talk about his death, as well as his life ("Do you remember ...")
Somehow, it helped me to get back to the Dad I knew, and push back the awful images of him during his illness.
Your feelings ARE normal, and you WILL get past this stage, but no one is likely to say it's easy, or can say how long it will take for you. As well as grief, you are probably still suffering from the after-effects of a long "caring" situation, including the distress of the final years/months. Have you seen your doctor about how you feel? It may be that some grief-counselling or support should be considered.
One more thing: although I lived at home with Mum & Dad whilst he was ill, Mum & I hardly talked to each other about what was going on, or how we felt. I know that sounds crazy, but I felt I would be adding to her distress if I shared how desolate I felt, and (years later) she told me she had felt the same. Ironically, by 'protecting' each other in that way, we forced each other to bottle up a lot of the pain. Not a good idea, not at all. You need to cry, to talk to someone who understands; have you a sister or brother, Aunt, Dad who are probably feeling the same? You could be doing them a favour too. We English are notoriously "stiff upper lip" in situations where we should be letting our heartache have free rein and getting it out in the open. Don't be afraid; you'll make it.