Grief after placing nana into nursing home

[Mumof boys]

Hello everyone,
Yesterday my mum and I placed my nana into a nursing home. We are totally heartbroken and have never felt guilt like this. All my nana has ever known is her family, she chose not to ever take part in any social groups outside of the family etc As much as we all adore her she has been hard work forever really and relied on us to always be there to look after her. She always said never to put her into a home. The last few months have just become too hard for my mum as she is now back at work and the dementia is progressing, I’ve been going round every day to give her lunch but I also return to work when my son starts back at school in a few weeks. Yesterday absolutely broke our hearts, she was so so confused and we just had to walk away. It makes it even harder that we couldn’t properly go into her room and help unpack and try to settle her. I didn’t sleep a wink last night and I know my mum is utterly devastated. She said to me this morning that she doesn’t think she’d feel this bad if nana had died, the guilt is just the most awful feeling. I’m just so sad that nana is probably so confused and looking for us now as I write this. I feel like I want to drive there now and pick her up but obviously we know we had no other choice. I just wondered how other people have dealt with this awful awful feeling of guilt. I feel that the people that nana trusted most in the world have put her into this strange place and let her down. We have been advised not to visit for three days, to let her settle. But I really feel that when we visit she will believe we’ve come to collect her and then we will go through this awful guilt once again.

 

[Michaela!]

Hello everyone,
Yesterday my mum and I placed my nana into a nursing home. We are totally heartbroken and have never felt guilt like this. All my nana has ever known is her family, she chose not to ever take part in any social groups outside of the family etc As much as we all adore her she has been hard work forever really and relied on us to always be there to look after her. She always said never to put her into a home. The last few months have just become too hard for my mum as she is now back at work and the dementia is progressing, I’ve been going round every day to give her lunch but I also return to work when my son starts back at school in a few weeks. Yesterday absolutely broke our hearts, she was so so confused and we just had to walk away. It makes it even harder that we couldn’t properly go into her room and help unpack and try to settle her. I didn’t sleep a wink last night and I know my mum is utterly devastated. She said to me this morning that she doesn’t think she’d feel this bad if nana had died, the guilt is just the most awful feeling. I’m just so sad that nana is probably so confused and looking for us now as I write this. I feel like I want to drive there now and pick her up but obviously we know we had no other choice. I just wondered how other people have dealt with this awful awful feeling of guilt. I feel that the people that nana trusted most in the world have put her into this strange place and let her down. We have been advised not to visit for three days, to let her settle. But I really feel that when we visit she will believe we’ve come to collect her and then we will go through this awful guilt once again.

I joined today to post exactly the same thoughts and feelings. I have been caring for my 91 year old father for the last 6 years. Dad has been having constant falls and showing signs of dementia since he came out of hospital in May. He had suffered a broken hip whilst a Carer was in attendance. She wasn't his usual Carer and did not assist with dressing. He fell trying to get himself dressed. Yesterday he was admitted to hospital after his 3rd fall in 3 weeks and is awaiting a care home decision. Please remember, you are not alone in feeling like this. It is all very distressing. Dad was trying to grab door handles to stop transport wheeling him to his transport. Please try and remember your nana will be in a much safer place and your mum, although the situation is upsetting, will gradually be able to get herself back on track and have no need to worry. It is very early days. Be kind to yourself. This year has definitely been a ghastly one. Sending hugs xx

 

[Mumof boys]

Thank you for your reply. It sounds awful but it’s nice to speak to people who understand and are in the same boat. I know it will take time and we know it’s the best thing for nana. I wish you luck with your Dad and the move to care home. I hope it goes as smooth as possible for you. x

 

[Cat27]

Welcome to TP @Mumof boys & @Michaela!
I‘m so glad you’ve found support here already. Please keep posting.

 

[nellbelles]

Hello @Mumof boys and @Michaela! welcome to DTP
I’m sorry that you are both dealing with the guilt monster, anyone who finds that one to one caring is not enough will find the transition To a CH difficult.
But as you two have already found out taking to someone in the same position helps!
I hope now you have found the forum you will both continue to post

 

[lemonbalm]

I think this is one the the hardest things of all to do. We know deep down that it's the right thing to do and yet it feels so terribly wrong. We think that nobody can care as well as we can - but they can. My mum has been in a care home for some time and I must admit that it has not always gone well. I have to remind myself that it wouldn't always have gone well at home either - and there wouldn't have been help at hand day and night! Take comfort in the fact that many, many people find that their loved one surprises them by settling in to the care home environment and thriving. Give it time, be kind to yourselves.

 

[Sarah1208]

Hello everyone,
Yesterday my mum and I placed my nana into a nursing home. We are totally heartbroken and have never felt guilt like this. All my nana has ever known is her family, she chose not to ever take part in any social groups outside of the family etc As much as we all adore her she has been hard work forever really and relied on us to always be there to look after her. She always said never to put her into a home. The last few months have just become too hard for my mum as she is now back at work and the dementia is progressing, I’ve been going round every day to give her lunch but I also return to work when my son starts back at school in a few weeks. Yesterday absolutely broke our hearts, she was so so confused and we just had to walk away. It makes it even harder that we couldn’t properly go into her room and help unpack and try to settle her. I didn’t sleep a wink last night and I know my mum is utterly devastated. She said to me this morning that she doesn’t think she’d feel this bad if nana had died, the guilt is just the most awful feeling. I’m just so sad that nana is probably so confused and looking for us now as I write this. I feel like I want to drive there now and pick her up but obviously we know we had no other choice. I just wondered how other people have dealt with this awful awful feeling of guilt. I feel that the people that nana trusted most in the world have put her into this strange place and let her down. We have been advised not to visit for three days, to let her settle. But I really feel that when we visit she will believe we’ve come to collect her and then we will go through this awful guilt once again.

 

[Sarah1208]

Oh bless you. I feel every single bit of your pain. I understand every single word in your post. I have been through exactly the same. But the first days then weeks were the worst. You will feel like you can’t carry on with life but it will get easier. But yes in some ways it’s harder than them passing away. Only someone that has been through this would understand that feeling. Hang in there and keep posting on here. It helps so much.

 

[JGDMG]

Hello everyone,
Yesterday my mum and I placed my nana into a nursing home. We are totally heartbroken and have never felt guilt like this. All my nana has ever known is her family, she chose not to ever take part in any social groups outside of the family etc As much as we all adore her she has been hard work forever really and relied on us to always be there to look after her. She always said never to put her into a home. The last few months have just become too hard for my mum as she is now back at work and the dementia is progressing, I’ve been going round every day to give her lunch but I also return to work when my son starts back at school in a few weeks. Yesterday absolutely broke our hearts, she was so so confused and we just had to walk away. It makes it even harder that we couldn’t properly go into her room and help unpack and try to settle her. I didn’t sleep a wink last night and I know my mum is utterly devastated. She said to me this morning that she doesn’t think she’d feel this bad if nana had died, the guilt is just the most awful feeling. I’m just so sad that nana is probably so confused and looking for us now as I write this. I feel like I want to drive there now and pick her up but obviously we know we had no other choice. I just wondered how other people have dealt with this awful awful feeling of guilt. I feel that the people that nana trusted most in the world have put her into this strange place and let her down. We have been advised not to visit for three days, to let her settle. But I really feel that when we visit she will believe we’ve come to collect her and then we will go through this awful guilt once again.

Totally agree with Sarah1208. I also have been through and am going through this pain. Covid has made this normally difficult time much worse, as you say not being able to go in and settle her in her room properly etc Don't forget that as well as 'losing' your nana you have both lost your role of carer for her, and that's a big loss too. Whatever their condition old people do tend to be very resilient, think what they've lived through. Very few have had easy lives. Yet your Nana has survived and she will be tough underneath. I try to look towards better times, when I can visit freely, and Covid restrictions are a thing of the past. Your Nana may find it more relaxing to have someone there all the time, knowing even in the middle of the night she isn't alone. She may actually settle in very well and like her new home with new friends, Although she has been forced into it, as you have, she might very quickly come to be happier and more content there. In my experience it's the people who have never joined clubs, or gone to social events, that relish and enjoy the company. I would say when you are able to visit be as bright and breezy as you can, and matter of fact about her 'new home'. She will look to you to see how you are feeling. If you are worried and upset then she may pick that up. Good luck!

 

[MartinWL]

I hope @Mumof boys that you will take comfort from what others have said above. Your grandmother is not in her right mind and is unlikely to be rational about what is best for her but you have to be rational. Leaving her in a place where she cannot be adequately looked after would not be a kindness. Your conscience should be as clear as the water in a mountain stream.