grandad passed away and grandma has dementia

[sleepingbutterfly]

Hi, my grandad passed away and my grandma has dementia . We tried to explain what happened to her, but she understands it for a minute and then 5 minutes later reverts to forgetting and it keeps repeating . it is difficult to keep repeating the same thing as it is causing her a lot of pain to keep reliving the moment . i was wondering if anyone had advice . she currently thinks my grandad is just sick at the hospital

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @sleepingbutterfly , and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. This is a very supportive community, and you'll get lots of help and advice here.
The best thing is not to keep telling your grandmother your grandfather has died. As you've found out she can't remember the fact so every time she hears the news it's like the first time. If she thinks he is still in hospital, it's best to go along with that, however wrong it feel to be not telling her the truth. We call such untruths 'love lies' round here.
You may find this thread has some useful tips about how to help your grandmother at the moment Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired,
I'm sure others will be along shortly with their experiences. Certainly when my mother keeps asking to go and see her parents who died many years ago (mum is 93) I just make excuses about why we can't go, but assure her that they are fine.

 

[nae sporran]

Hullo and welcome to the forum from me too, @sleepingbutterfly. Condolences on the loss of your grandad. I totally agree with @Sarasa on love lies and compassionate communication tips.
It is so hard to watch someone you care about grieving over and over again. My partner lost her mum about 30 years ago and when she is feeling a bit lonely or fed up she pines for her mum naturally. When she forgets her mum died or thinks she is unwell somewhere as has happened twice in the recent past t is hard, but so far the feeling has passed after a few days. I really hope your granny will also settle soon too.

 

[lemonbalm]

Hello @sleepingbutterfly . I think this is one of the hardest things to deal with. If the hospital story is working well, perhaps best to stick with that for now and say that your granddad is getting better, and will be back soon (you can't visit because of the virus). Might be best to say he's getting better and will be home soon so that your grandma doesn't worry. My mum (who is in a care home now) sometimes gets very distressed because Dad hasn't visited. I usually say something like "oh just me today but he'll be here another day" and change the subject. It's very difficult.

Did you grandfather ever go away - for work, to visit family/friends or any other reason? It's sometimes good to have another story in reserve.

 

[Bunpoots]

Hello @sleepingbutterfly please accept my condolences on the passing of your grandad.

When my dad used to ask where my mum was I would tell him she was with her sister (who had also passed away) as they spent a lot of time together this used to satisfy him...and I didn’t feel so bad about lying to him. He would sometimes then ask where they both were so I’d tell him I wasn’t sure but probably shopping - it kept dad happy. Just say whatever you think will keep your grandma happy.

 

[Hazara8]

Hi, my grandad passed away and my grandma has dementia . We tried to explain what happened to her, but she understands it for a minute and then 5 minutes later reverts to forgetting and it keeps repeating . it is difficult to keep repeating the same thing as it is causing her a lot of pain to keep reliving the moment . i was wondering if anyone had advice . she currently thinks my grandad is just sick at the hospital

Instinctive reaction to not telling the truth is uncomfortable and we therefore avoid it. Honesty is a virtue. But dementia makes the rules. Great turmoil can come about when we openly recount "the truth" in respect of dementia. If, when you arrived back at your front door it was to open to a complete stranger who enquired who you were and what were you doing there, it would be a genuine shock and deeply disturbing. You would know that it was your home and yet the person standing in your hallway is telling you emphatically that it is their home and you are a complete stranger. That is an example of the "reality" of dementia. If a loved one believes their spouse or relation to be still living and you tell them otherwise, the shock can be profound. I have seen this first hand, albeit the result of totally innocent goodwill and honesty. So we have to ascertain a right and appropriate moment, i.e. the loved one might well comment 'is so and so still here?' Or they might be in a receptive state which is conductive to a gentle reminder. The "white lies " approach is not being devious. The reality ( not theory! ) is that the sheer complexity of a damaged brain presents differently in each person. The term ' comfort ' should be etched in the mind when any relationship with dementia comes about. There is no cure. But one can be often surprised or indeed astonished by sudden realisations and moments of lucidity. Let the loved one be the guide and try and move with them, rather than against the flow. Never easy. But in practice often rewarding for both parties.