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GP coming Monday

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,998
Oh @mrs Christmas, how awful for you. I guess your brother hasn't been telling you things such as the dementia diagnosis and is just letting you get on with it. However it's obviously now got to the stage where your mother's needs are too great to hide. I hope she gets the care she needs very quickly.
 

DianeW

Registered User
Sep 10, 2013
779
Lytham St Annes
I’m sorry I’m sure you could do without all this.

It’s so easy for your brother to have his strong opinion when it’s you doing the brunt of the work isn’t it???

I would just be very clear and honest with everyone about how your Mum is, and importantly what you are no longer going to be doing for her.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,885
South coast
If SS are informing the Safeguarding Team, then they are taking this very seriously. It sounds to me like they are on your side, not your brothers.

I hope something can be sorted out so that your mum receives the care she needs
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,294
I remember your previous posts, Mrs Christmas.

It certainly sounds like your brother is more interested in hanging on to your mother's money than using it to pay for care, and meanwhile letting all the regular work fall on your shoulders. He is not acting in her best interests, and I am glad to hear Social Services are taking this seriously. I am glad to hear you are moving house, too. Hopefully now SS will ensure your mother gets the care she needs.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,972
Essex
Dear @mrs Christmas,

I just want you to know that I am thinking of you and that you are a truly wonderful daughter.

Hugs

MaNaAk
 

MrsChristmas

Registered User
Jun 1, 2015
178
Hello there again

I can't seem to get to the end of this thread but thank you to every one for your kind thoughts.

Just reading Lemonbalm's post about her Mum's problems and I realise that my woes pale in comparison. I'm so sorry.

I'm still processing the news around my brother's behaviour...he is very comfortable financially so why do this to Mum? Even more amazed that he will drive all the way this way for a Dr's visit today (which was a phone call to me in the end - my bad ). He called into see me and I could barely speak to him and he was really grumpy with me. There's rift between us now that I have spent years trying to avoid. All that time from September last year to June this year when it was just me and Mum coping on our own and he turns up to visit the doctor's surgery to head off visits.

Well it's all systems go now thanks to Social Care. A dear paramedic is coming Thursday to Mum's bungalow to do the capacity assessment and there is going to be a care needs assessment too, I think. This is all so new to me but probably most people here are used to it. It's taken me four years to get this point. It's not going to be pleasant for Mum I know.

Perhaps it's too early to feel relief but glad that something is being done, at last.

Also I have struggled to get Attendance Allowance for Mum because my brother told me that I had to get Mum to sign the forms and that if there is Alzheimers on the form she won't sign it. He wouldn't agree to me signing her behalf because the payments would show up on the bank statements that Mum sees! DWP have told me I can sign the forms, no problem.

I've been so stupid and naive.

Is there anyone that can tell me what I can expect to happen at the assessments?
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,972
Essex
Thank you! I'm trying to find your posts to read but can't find them?
Dear @ Mrs Christmas,

They are in the Coronavirus Section and one of them is called 'Stressed About Sorting Out Mother's House' except it's dad's house. You will also find other threads if you type my name in the registered members section.

MaNaAk
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
842
Good to read that you are making such good progress in spite of your brother. @MrsChristmas . It is sad that all this has caused a rift but that's your brother's loss, not yours. Perhaps he will come round once everything is sorted out. You certainly haven't been stupid or naive. Your brother has taken advantage of your kindness.

Please keep us posted on how everything goes. Thank you for your comments about my mum. We're all going through tricky times and I am keeping my fingers crossed that your post has a happy ending!
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,972
Essex
There is also 'Mum And Dad Have Been Reunited For A Year and 'House' but other items are older.

MaNaAk
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,885
South coast
Is there anyone that can tell me what I can expect to happen at the assessments?
When mum had her capacity assessment the SW did it and she was very good. She did it as if it were a conversation and slipped all sorts of things in - what a lovely home - how long have you lived here? Does your daughter ever come to visit, have you got any grandchildren? and things like - when you go out for coffee, how does it get paid for? It wasnt done like an Inquisition and I dont think mum realised that she was being tested. I guess it might depend on who does the testing, though. It was very clear that mum hadnt a clue about the reality of her situation and had no idea how bank accounts worked.

Following this, as mum was in hospital, it was decided that she should be moved to a care home, but OH has had a needs assessment and the SW came and asked about what he could do, where he needed some help and what sort of thing were we looking for. Fortunately, OH is compliant, even if he isnt really aware how much help he requires, but your mum is likely to say that she doesnt need any help at all, so please make sure that you are there at the needs assessment. If you dont want to say what your mum is really like in front of her (and I wouldnt either) you can see if you can sit to one side of your mum and a bit behind her so that when your mum is telling the SW that she does everything, you can silently shake your head, or roll your eyes, to show that you dont agree, without her seeing. You could also doorstop the SW on her way out and tell her the truth.
 

CarrollB

New member
Jun 8, 2020
1
#######################################.lnrrinfhello there

I'm so upset, shocked and saddened.

My brother -( whom I'd trusted) has let me and Mum down.

i've had a phone call from Social Care asking me to say what I'd seen with Mum - the poo, not able to walk, not able to get to the toilet on time, scruffy clothing everything over the past few years, my worries about what would happen to Mum when I moved away.

My brother has been saying a different story - that everything is okay, no problems. When he was asked by Social Care about his views for care for Mum and he answered 'I'm not spending Mum's money on care that she doesn't need'

Social Care are hinting that my brother does not want to spend any of her money on her care. He is going to Mum's surgery today to talk to them (driving all the way from Buckinghamshire - when he hasn't been here for months!).

I have not heard from the Surgery but Social Care tell me that there is a dementia diagnosis from 4 years ago and that the dementia health team are involved.

Social Care are now informing the Adult Safeguarding Team because of aggression on the part of my brother (not spending money so that care is being obstructed).

I have been advised not to talk to my brother any more.

I could never work out why I could never make any headway with Mum for help to make her life easier - now I know why.
 

Lemondrizzle

Registered User
Aug 26, 2018
88
My brother was the same with our mum wanting to spend her money. Never forgiven him for that. Your brother does sound in denial and I know how frustrating that is. It doesn't sound as if he is being believed though which is at least something. I really feel for you and hope with the help of social services and the adult safeguarding team your mum will get the care she needs and the strain can be taken off you.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,972
Essex
Dear @ Mrs Christmas,

As I said I have some idea of what you are going through. In our case dad was diagnosed with Alzheimers in early 2016 and I cared for him at home. Yes this is his house and I never lived away from home except for when I went to college so yes there are some things that I should have done years ago. Mum passed away in 2008 and for a while every thing was fine. My youngest brother and I first noticed dad's symptoms a year beforehand and it was left to me to try and get dad to the doctors. Our other brother was in denial. After diagnosis I became dad's care giver and just gave dad assistance with medicine, appointments etc. My youngest brother gave us a few lifts to the hospital before saying that he couldn't take anymore time off work and suggesting that we get a taxi to future appointments. Both of my brothers are self-employed and the eldest of my two brothers saw dad three times that year. Admittedly he lives more than a hundred miles away but each time he came he didn't stay for more than 24 hours.

During this time I sorted out all the benefits and POA and my brothers were happy for me to be the attorney and for them to be replacement attorneys thank goodness. I told them all about the deed and sent them the links (for the Finance one) they signed their parts and it later transpired that they couldn't have read what they signed. I think that the same thing happened with the Health POA where again I was attorney and they were replacement attorneys.

Dad's Alzheimers progressed to moderate and later he started to have falls due to low blood pressure. He took a lot of medication because he also had diabetes type 2. I struggled to look after diabetes hearing appointments and with the falls I had to call the ambulance half a dozen times. Each time dad was admitted to hospital my youngest brother didn 't come to see him straight away. On Xmas day 2017 the eldest of my two brothers decided not to come on Xmas day because it was unfair on his wife who was not getting on with her mum. My youngest brother came in the evening because he wanted a break from his workload. Also a few weeks before Xmas dad got out of the house and wondered up the road at 4.30 am! On Xmas day whilst I enjoyed taking dad out for a stroll I had to endure him asking to go home in the morning. I knew in my heart that by the following Xmas dad would be in a home.

Dad started to need more care and I was losing my life as I knew it dad had a few more falls and a couple of times he had little 'absences' where he couldn't see. Admittedly my youngest brother did sit with dad a few times whilst I went to my orchestral rehearsals and I thought this was fantastic but these were again fitted around his work. As a music teacher I was unable to go out to find work during this time and it was a matter of time before dad's illness started putting my private pupils off coming to the house. We worked through two care agencies before dad had to go into the home permanently and the eldest of my two brothers tried his best to stop this because he was concerned that I would lose the roof over my head. Which is good in that he was concerned about me but I was going through periods where I was unable to sleep and as attorney I was able to put dad in the home. I kept my brothers informed at all times but the eldest of my brothers said that I never made myself clear and that it would be a long time before he could trust me again.

My other brother admitted that he didn't agree with dad going into the home and both of them tried to come up with suggestions about how he could come back here. Each time I would have a private panic and no matter how I described what would happen on dad's off days they seemed to think that things couldn't be that bad. I was preparing to make a case for property disregard and I collected several receipts to prove my case and I was considering paying a top-up fee. Dad passed away before all his money went and now of course I may have to move out. The eldest of my two brothers (who tried to get me to alter the POA for Finance in his favour) is dealing with probate after having decided that solicitors were too expensive. The other brother would look to move out before Xmas and before probate and I should have used lockdown to do more packing. I could go on but I am trying to deal with this but I wanted you to know that you are not a lone.

Thinking of you

MaNaAk
 

MrsChristmas

Registered User
Jun 1, 2015
178
Hi there

Thank you for message.

You've certainly been through some tough times and gave up some of your best earning years to support your father, whilst your brothers feathered their nests working for themselves. You have earnt your place in heaven and you know you've given your father some lovely, special times with his daughter which few fathers get to have.

I'm so sorry that you've had to fight for every little thing, life is **** sometimes.

Mrs C.
 

MrsChristmas

Registered User
Jun 1, 2015
178
My brother was the same with our mum wanting to spend her money. Never forgiven him for that. Your brother does sound in denial and I know how frustrating that is. It doesn't sound as if he is being believed though which is at least something. I really feel for you and hope with the help of social services and the adult safeguarding team your mum will get the care she needs and the strain can be taken off you.
I feel the same Lemondrizzle. I respected my brother because he was older than me and seemed so stable and reliable compared to my rather chequered past. That's all gone now and like you, I will never forgive him. My brother hoarded Mum's money and she says that he never gave her any money so she had no cash. My late father made us promise that we would look after Mum because he left her very well provided for.

I should have smelt a rat a couple of years ago when he asked to borrow a huge amount of money off Mum but didn't tell her the right amount. She asked me if it was okay with me if she lent him the money so he could buy a house! We are both LPAs so I called him and asked him to draw up a loan agreement, with terms and conditions with interest using a solicitor that he should pay for stipulating when he would be paying it back. Funnily enough he changed his mind after that.

If my brother had been different Mum would have more care and a better life but her life deteriorated as soon as my father died. She sold her beautiful four bedroomed house and ended up in a scruffy bungalow, no money and scared witless about being taken away. I really didn't know what was going on which is daft as I live next door. I wish I'd been more proactive.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,972
Essex
Thankyou Mrs C.

I know in mine my brothers did think about the roof over my head but I'm afraid like your brother there were when the inheritance was mentioned when it should not have been mentioned. From what you've said social services are on your side so you must remind yourself of this. I have found that where there is hope and peace then I just grab it.

When dad went into the home permanently I felt grief and guilt but also relief. Yes there was the problem of the money running out but as far as I was concerned that was nothing like worrying about dad's wandering, falls, diabetes etc. Your mum is so lucky to have you.

Hugs

MaNaAk
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,972
Essex
Dear Mrs C,

I've just read your last message. Invisibles really do take your breath away. I just feel so sorry for you and your mum and I do hope she settles in a lovely home. I did the best I could for dad and when he went into the home he kept himself busy by taking part in all the activities and living it up.

MaNaAk
 

MrsChristmas

Registered User
Jun 1, 2015
178
Good to read that you are making such good progress in spite of your brother. @MrsChristmas . It is sad that all this has caused a rift but that's your brother's loss, not yours. Perhaps he will come round once everything is sorted out. You certainly haven't been stupid or naive. Your brother has taken advantage of your kindness.

Please keep us posted on how everything goes. Thank you for your comments about my mum. We're all going through tricky times and I am keeping my fingers crossed that your post has a happy ending!
Yes he has taken advantage in a cold, calculated, false way but it's good it's all been revealed now and not later down the line with Mum lying on the floor for days with no help. It's very isolated where we live and I've been concerned about her safety. I should have realised what he was up to years ago but, hey ho. When the Social Care told me about my brother behaviour I felt quite frightened inside and it took me a few hours to get over the shock.

Things are really moving now with a Senior Social Worker being allocated to deal with financial side of things and they will decide what care Mum will have not me...which is great. She is doing a more in depth capacity assessment this Friday after the Paramedics visit this Thursday apparently the LPAs were arranged by my brother whilst a diagnosis of Dementia was in place. She is speaking to my brother and says that if he plays up she will arrange to have the LPA taken away from him...you go girl!

They are really taking this seriously.

Thanks for your kind thoughts - it helps a lot.

Mrs C