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GP coming Monday

MrsChristmas

Registered User
Jun 1, 2015
178
Hi there

I'm a carer for my Mum who's 95 who's been showing signs of dementia for several years.

When I visited yesterday there was a trail of poo across the living room floor which Mum had walked in to get to her bedroom. She's been constantly changing her knickers too. We had a coffee together with the poo right in front of me! Mum did not even notice it.

I contacted Social Care and Mum's GP who is coming on MOnday to assess Mum. There was talk of antibiotics for a UTI and did I want Mum to go into a Dementia Unit and I said yes.

Mum is very frail, wobbly, poor eyesight, deaf and cannot walk more than a few feet without support.

My brother is second carer as he lives miles away but he is coming Monday to support me.

Mum has always refused care saying she's okay and will let us know when she needs it.

I've just had a call from Mum and she sounds totally lucid.

I really worried that I've created a problem that may not exist? Perhaps the poo was a one off?

Have I done the right thing?
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
699
Hello @MrsChristmas. I have just been reading some of your other posts and certainly think you have done the right thing in getting mum assessed. Take it a step at a time. See what they say on Monday. It's a very hard thing to think about, so keep posting for support.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,857
Hi @MrsChristmas , I know from your other posts that it is probably time that your mum went into care. Even if she is lucid , which from what you've said previously, is probably only intermittently, she sounds like she has needs that will be best met in a care setting.
Hope it all goes as well as it can on Monday
 

MrsChristmas

Registered User
Jun 1, 2015
178
Hello there

Thank you for your replies.

My brother runs Mum's finances but lives many miles away and comes to see Mum twice a year so does not get to see her as much as I do because I live locally. He deals with all of the practical side of looking after Mum's home, I do the shopping and other stuff - more emergencies.

We are both going to be present when the GP comes tomorrow.

We've just had a discussion about what type of care Mum should have - if we are able to decide that - at the moment Social Care have passed Mum onto the GP as the incontinence and other issues are are a health problem.

The problem we've got is that Mum refuses care and my brother and very sympathetic to her view. This caused problems for me because there is no one to support me if there is an emergency with Mum - I just have to deal with it. I have found this pretty frustrating as I live next door!

The duty GP I spoke to last Friday asked if I wanted Mum to go into a Dementia Unit which I agreed to immediately. My brother and me both have joint Power of Attorney .

I have done a lot of research on Alzheimers over the years and this forum has been marvelous, thank you - my brother is not so up to speed with Dementia.

My brother does not agree that Mum should go into care nor agree to a live in carer. He feels that Mum should have someone in to help with toileting as she can still feed and look after herself. I want to Mum to be looked after by people who understand the care needs of an elderly lady with Alzhiemers. His main priority is what Mum will accept and wants to keep her in her home for as long as possible. I pointed out it's not what Mum wants it is what she needs that is important -as someone said on this forum.

I see Mum weekly and have watched her waste away to a frail lady wearing stained clothes, who can barely walk to get to the toilet in time. I just feel it's time for her to be looked after properly.

Please can I ask who makes the decision about care if Mum has Dementia?

At the moment my brother wants 'care light' and I want full time care for Mum's safety and well being.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
699
Grrr, I went through all this with my brother. He would not support mum going into a care home and thought she would be perfectly fine with carers coming in or a live in carer. I looked after her every day and knew that she wouldn't let carers in (mum soon got rid of the ones I organised, even though she was just out of hospital). I realise now that I protected my brother from a lot of the reality. He thought mum was managing but it was me managing everything for her. You need to tell your brother exactly what it is like, warts, poo and all. How does your brother expect someone to magically appear every time your mum needs the loo? Mary Poppins is fictional! Rant over. I hope all goes well on Monday. Please let us know and keep posting for support.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,012
North West
Hello there

Thank you for your replies.

My brother runs Mum's finances but lives many miles away and comes to see Mum twice a year so does not get to see her as much as I do because I live locally. He deals with all of the practical side of looking after Mum's home, I do the shopping and other stuff - more emergencies.

We are both going to be present when the GP comes tomorrow.

We've just had a discussion about what type of care Mum should have - if we are able to decide that - at the moment Social Care have passed Mum onto the GP as the incontinence and other issues are are a health problem.

The problem we've got is that Mum refuses care and my brother and very sympathetic to her view. This caused problems for me because there is no one to support me if there is an emergency with Mum - I just have to deal with it. I have found this pretty frustrating as I live next door!

The duty GP I spoke to last Friday asked if I wanted Mum to go into a Dementia Unit which I agreed to immediately. My brother and me both have joint Power of Attorney .

I have done a lot of research on Alzheimers over the years and this forum has been marvelous, thank you - my brother is not so up to speed with Dementia.

My brother does not agree that Mum should go into care nor agree to a live in carer. He feels that Mum should have someone in to help with toileting as she can still feed and look after herself. I want to Mum to be looked after by people who understand the care needs of an elderly lady with Alzhiemers. His main priority is what Mum will accept and wants to keep her in her home for as long as possible. I pointed out it's not what Mum wants it is what she needs that is important -as someone said on this forum.

I see Mum weekly and have watched her waste away to a frail lady wearing stained clothes, who can barely walk to get to the toilet in time. I just feel it's time for her to be looked after properly.

Please can I ask who makes the decision about care if Mum has Dementia?

At the moment my brother wants 'care light' and I want full time care for Mum's safety and well being.
The same rules apply if you have joint LPA -that is to act in her best interests. I think your brother is depending on you living next door as a back up, but there comes a point when what is a reasonable expectation becomes an unreasonable one and it seems to be disproportionate in terms of 'hands-on' care mostly given by you.

The more important point however, is how can your mum be managed in her home as she declines with dementia if her needs are becoming a constant concern? Hand on heart, I would give anything to have kept mum at home, but in the end it becomes unmanageable even with carers, who mum refused anyway. Perhaps your brother needs to accept the 'long as possible' line in the sand has been met and its time to re-think rather than cling onto past decisions. It is hard, but it doesn't sound like your brother is taking onboard the concept of 'best interests' as well as you are -good luck
 

MrsChristmas

Registered User
Jun 1, 2015
178
Thank you for your advice and support.

You are right he has relied on me...he last came to visit last September and now this week and used the Virus an excuse not to visit. I blew up at him because he hadn’t been here.


sadly my brother and mum collude together against me.

I had sole responsibility for Mum during that time and it has lead me to depression and a visit to my GP. I’m now having counselling., I’ve sold my house and am moving to the other side of town for my sanity.

If nothing comes of this GP visit tomorrow i wash my hands of it and will leave mum to her fate. I’ll still do her shopping but that’s it.

my health is more important,
 

Susan11

Registered User
Nov 18, 2018
2,513
Thank you for your advice and support.

You are right he has relied on me...he last came to visit last September and now this week and used the Virus an excuse not to visit. I blew up at him because he hadn’t been here.


sadly my brother and mum collude together against me.

I had sole responsibility for Mum during that time and it has lead me to depression and a visit to my GP. I’m now having counselling., I’ve sold my house and am moving to the other side of town for my sanity.

If nothing comes of this GP visit tomorrow i wash my hands of it and will leave mum to her fate. I’ll still do her shopping but that’s it.

my health is more important,
How difficult for you . I hope the visit by the GP goes well for you . It might be worth writing some notes in case you don't think of everything when the GP is there . I find it hard to remember everything I want to say when I'm stressed.
Best wishes Susan
 

MrsChristmas

Registered User
Jun 1, 2015
178
Thank you for you kind thoughts...it is very much appreciated.

I joined this Forum way back in June 2015 looking for answers to Mum's problem. I've ranted, raged, cried and generally got very upset. EVERY SINGLE TIME I have received support and kindness. Thank you.

I know my brother loves his Mum but he has never had children and doesn't understand the concept of tough love.

Wish me luck for tomorrow.



Mrs C.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
699
Great idea from @Susan11 to make notes ready for tomorrow. I still have notebooks going back years for mum.

This is really difficult stuff but it's time to make some changes.

Best of luck tomorrow and let us know how it goes.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,768
Essex
Thank you for your advice and support.

You are right he has relied on me...he last came to visit last September and now this week and used the Virus an excuse not to visit. I blew up at him because he hadn’t been here.


sadly my brother and mum collude together against me.

I had sole responsibility for Mum during that time and it has lead me to depression and a visit to my GP. I’m now having counselling., I’ve sold my house and am moving to the other side of town for my sanity.

If nothing comes of this GP visit tomorrow i wash my hands of it and will leave mum to her fate. I’ll still do her shopping but that’s it.

my health is more important,
I just want you to know that I know what you're going through as I've had the same problems. Feel free to read some of my posts to get an idea of what I've had to deal with. Thinking of you tomorrow.

MaNaAk
 

Lemondrizzle

Registered User
Aug 26, 2018
81
Agree with all that has been said. Definitely have some notes and make sure the GP knows you can't do it anymore. My OH is an only child but it was his aunty that just would not accept what the problems were but didn't visit except once in a blue moon. It is so difficult when those you need support from are the ones making things harder.

Good luck tomorrow.
 

MrsChristmas

Registered User
Jun 1, 2015
178
#######################################.lnrrinfhello there

I'm so upset, shocked and saddened.

My brother -( whom I'd trusted) has let me and Mum down.

i've had a phone call from Social Care asking me to say what I'd seen with Mum - the poo, not able to walk, not able to get to the toilet on time, scruffy clothing everything over the past few years, my worries about what would happen to Mum when I moved away.

My brother has been saying a different story - that everything is okay, no problems. When he was asked by Social Care about his views for care for Mum and he answered 'I'm not spending Mum's money on care that she doesn't need'

Social Care are hinting that my brother does not want to spend any of her money on her care. He is going to Mum's surgery today to talk to them (driving all the way from Buckinghamshire - when he hasn't been here for months!).

I have not heard from the Surgery but Social Care tell me that there is a dementia diagnosis from 4 years ago and that the dementia health team are involved.

Social Care are now informing the Adult Safeguarding Team because of aggression on the part of my brother (not spending money so that care is being obstructed).

I have been advised not to talk to my brother any more.

I could never work out why I could never make any headway with Mum for help to make her life easier - now I know why.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
699
Oh that's the last thing you need. He seems to really be in deep denial. I am very much hoping that the GP and Social Services can turn your brother around (and send him back where he came from). We are all thinking of you