Goodbye to mum today
- Thread starter Bittermama
- Start date
Well a week has gone by, my sister is causing me a lot of stress. We have been to 4 cemeteries and she doesn’t like any of them and is basically drawing out the whole process. We cannot bury mum until she makes a decision. We are looking at one more tomorrow and then that’s it. We have had 2 huge rows over the cost of everything and she is even begrudging the money dad gave to my daughter when she got married last year (which she didn’t attend). It is all getting too much. I knew it would be hard, but it making me ill as she cant let go, and would put mum in the freezer if she could. Sorry to rant - I have no one else who else who,understands. Thank you
Oh just catching up on this thread please except my condolences n hugs.
It sounds as if your mum went peacefully in her sleep so that was good, you never know when you leave the pwd they could be fine and then you have the shock.
I am thinking about you, take Care.
It sounds as if your mum went peacefully in her sleep so that was good, you never know when you leave the pwd they could be fine and then you have the shock.
I am thinking about you, take Care.
Hi bittermama
had similar problems from my family when my mum passed. Mainly from the ones who didn't bother with her when she was alive ! In the end I put it down to their guilt. So my love you just have to remember that you did all you possibly could for your mum while she was alive and it is your sisters problem if she cant deal with it not yours! Just think that your mum is safe where she is now and that nothing else can hurt her and where her final resting place is has no bearing as she will always be at peace with you in your heart xx
They say that 'Time is a great healer' at moments like this - it isn't.......
We just teach ourselves to live with something we cannot change,
and you will - and the good memories will resurface, and life will become better
We just teach ourselves to live with something we cannot change,
and you will - and the good memories will resurface, and life will become better
Thank you so much. The things she is saying are very hurtful and I spiteful and I hate the way she accuses my children of not visiting mum enough. They wanted to remember their grandma how she was, not as a dribbling wreck who did not recognise them. So very sad
It is a very sad feature of this particular time, that family members can prove to be quite
extraordinarily insensitive and things are said which bear no relationship whatsoever to the depths of caring for a loved one with dementia. The essence of that care does not recognise that expression of unfeelingness, because such things are totally absent from the process of care, as the depths of heartache reached when one is living with the one who bears the scourge of dementia, are such, that only the actual delivery of that care, in heart and soul, exists. All the post bereavement matters - the official procedures, the formalities, the paperwork and so on - whilst unavoidable, are nevertheless, trivial by comparison to what has gone before.
A hospital Sister told me, that she often witnessed 'family angst' after a loved one had died and in her view, 'guilt' did play its part. There is, perhaps, a kind of innate 'guilt' from those who are prone to criticize, which evolves from a genuine awareness that another has taken on the burden of care with all its implications, and that 'guilt' manifests itself by way of antagonism borne out of frustration - a way by which that 'guilt' can be seemingly alleviated, by finding something that underpins the 'guilt' factor, making it acceptable. Clearly a lacking and a rather sad one. And at such a time as this, unfeeling without a doubt.
The overriding truth in all of this, remains with the facts, and they can never be harmed nor changed. The 'care' which stems from the heart and which is given without reservation to another - in my own case, also a mother - is immune to all the unfortunate aftermath of debate or upset which might take place after the loved one has died. All the trauma and the despair, and the so often dramatic expression of dementia, which goes hand-in-hand with that ongoing care, the times when you can laugh together, or cry, or simply wait in anticipation of what is to come, and the fact that one's life is truly committed to that act of unceasing and loving care, all of this is totally removed from negative thought or behaviour.
Unless you have trodden than 'dementia' path, you cannot possibly understand what is means in all truth. The essence of which, you cherish for the remainder of your life. In that respect, we thus make allowances for such misgivings which might come about, however hurtful, even from the siblings. For you cannot, alas, share that 'essence' with them. Perhaps therein lies the source of any feelings of contrition, in others.
So sorry to hear that you have lost your mum. She died in her sleep so hopefully did not suffer.
Sorry to hear your mother has passed away. I can relate as dad died yesterday. I am so fortunate, dad had left explicit directions as to his wishes. SIL and I have no decisions to make at all, we can just carry out his desires.
The last time my son saw his grandma was on her 80th birthday when we had a special birthday tea for her. Ok she didn't know who anybody was but she was enjoying herself and was happy. He never went to visit her in the nursing home where she obviously completely disintegrated and I am quite happy that his last memories of her are good ones. Don't let her grind you down just tell her if she can't say anything nice not to say anything at all !!! xxx
Thanks all for your words of wisdom. I am hoping this week we will settle all the arrangements as we have now found a cemetary. I have to go back to work so not sure how I am going to handle everything, Must be strong for mum.
So sorry for your loss of your mum @Bittermama It's hard. I don't understand why people can be so spiteful at times like this. I care for my dad with no help whatsoever from my sibling and I would do anything to spare my son from the indignities of his grandad. He does the odd visit with me and cuts his grandads grass every now and then and that is enough as far as i am concerned.
I have had to develop broad shoulders and a very thick skin as far as sibling is concerned.
Hugs to you.
Dear Bittermama
I've not joined this thread before, so please excuse my presumption if any of the following causes offence. It's truly not intended.
First of all, my sincere condolences on your loss. You will feel better in time, but it will take a while. This hideous disease produces a very different type of grieving, so you need to be kind to yourself. Easier said than done, given the circumstances.
I also have sibling issues, so can understand the distress that you are suffering at a time when your emotional resources are already at a low ebb. It's kind of like a sixth sense that they have, isn't it? That they know when you are vulnerable, and wham, they go for you.
A friend of mine said about my sister ' she has the kind of face that you'd never tire of slapping. So , best that you don't start'.
What she meant - apart from the obvious - is that I really shouldn't engage on any level with her, and certainly shouldn't let her get under my skin. Again, easier said than done.
I just wanted you to know that you aren't on your own in feeling like this. The problem is hers, not yours, you've done wonderfully in caring for and loving your mum through her illness. When your sister starts on you or your children, take a breath. Then another one. And let whatever she has said wash over you. If you don't respond or show you are upset, then she will have to find someone else to be spiteful towards.
I hope that the next few weeks are not too upsetting for you. Remember, you have been through worse than this.
I've not joined this thread before, so please excuse my presumption if any of the following causes offence. It's truly not intended.
First of all, my sincere condolences on your loss. You will feel better in time, but it will take a while. This hideous disease produces a very different type of grieving, so you need to be kind to yourself. Easier said than done, given the circumstances.
I also have sibling issues, so can understand the distress that you are suffering at a time when your emotional resources are already at a low ebb. It's kind of like a sixth sense that they have, isn't it? That they know when you are vulnerable, and wham, they go for you.
A friend of mine said about my sister ' she has the kind of face that you'd never tire of slapping. So , best that you don't start'.
What she meant - apart from the obvious - is that I really shouldn't engage on any level with her, and certainly shouldn't let her get under my skin. Again, easier said than done.
I just wanted you to know that you aren't on your own in feeling like this. The problem is hers, not yours, you've done wonderfully in caring for and loving your mum through her illness. When your sister starts on you or your children, take a breath. Then another one. And let whatever she has said wash over you. If you don't respond or show you are upset, then she will have to find someone else to be spiteful towards.
I hope that the next few weeks are not too upsetting for you. Remember, you have been through worse than this.
