I received that terrible phone call this morning - we are sorry to say you mum passed away at 6am. It wasn't a surprise, she had been rushed to hospital from her care home after inhaling after vomiting and she is/was 92 but that call this morning was so final.
Mum was diagnosed with dementia five years ago and I became her full time carer. Over the years we had laughs and tears as the dementia didn't so much progress as steal parts of her away from me. However difficult it was and no matter how many periods of grief I experienced I loved helping mum and I think, I hope she was happy and content with me.
She started dying by degrees last July when she had a fall, you know, one of those where even watching her like a hawk she still managed to grab a moment's distraction to fall and break her femur. She was in so much pain and pleaded with me to let her die but once the paramedics arrived and pain relief started she was smiling. This will be the last real memory I have of mum. She had to have an operation (worrying at her age) she survived. She had chronic sickness immediately after but still survived. She got moved to another hospital for rehabilitation which they decided the couldn't do because one leg was now shorter than the other but she still had to stay in hospital for over 10 weeks whilst social services continually cold me Nursing Homes (it was deemed that she couldn't return home) were as rare as hens teeth. Finally in a nursing home and beginning to show signs of further progression of dementia, she spent three months of shear hell in a Nursing zoomed that had no idea how to care for her. After many complaints and finally septicaemia from an infection in one of the many pressure sores the nursing homes neglect had cause, she was again in A&E. She survived and spent most of December and January in hospital again whilst we found a Nursing Home that knew what they were doing. Being granted Continuing Health Care on the grounds that she was dehydrated, lost over 10% of weight, had infections and numerous pressures sores and could no longer eat or drink normal food she moved into a lovely care home where she had been cared for but, due to pressure sores was bed bound. Yesterday in hospital the staff noted how well the pressure sores had been tended and this would have meant that she would finally have been able to have a better quality of life because she would have been able to sit in a chair in a few weeks/month.
But for some reason fate dictated that mum should not have any pleasure before her passing. In summary I am not sure whether I am grieving the loss of mum lovely mum today or losing her way back in July when any chance of a peaceful and dignified death.
I sit here now feeling numb that she is now longer with me, angry that she had to suffer so much and guilty that I was unable to stop it happening. I keep telling everyone I need to erase these last few months and remember mum as she was before the fall but I think I need to do the hardest one, remember her as she was before dementia got hold of her.
This is in acknowledgement of how brave and strong mum has been through the latter part of her life and how much of a whole she has left in my life. To me I will never meet another person for whom I have so much respect, love and compassion. Love you Lena you have been the best mother I could ever have asked for and I hope you are now at peace.
Thank you all for reading this post, it is serving as a release for my tears.
Mum was diagnosed with dementia five years ago and I became her full time carer. Over the years we had laughs and tears as the dementia didn't so much progress as steal parts of her away from me. However difficult it was and no matter how many periods of grief I experienced I loved helping mum and I think, I hope she was happy and content with me.
She started dying by degrees last July when she had a fall, you know, one of those where even watching her like a hawk she still managed to grab a moment's distraction to fall and break her femur. She was in so much pain and pleaded with me to let her die but once the paramedics arrived and pain relief started she was smiling. This will be the last real memory I have of mum. She had to have an operation (worrying at her age) she survived. She had chronic sickness immediately after but still survived. She got moved to another hospital for rehabilitation which they decided the couldn't do because one leg was now shorter than the other but she still had to stay in hospital for over 10 weeks whilst social services continually cold me Nursing Homes (it was deemed that she couldn't return home) were as rare as hens teeth. Finally in a nursing home and beginning to show signs of further progression of dementia, she spent three months of shear hell in a Nursing zoomed that had no idea how to care for her. After many complaints and finally septicaemia from an infection in one of the many pressure sores the nursing homes neglect had cause, she was again in A&E. She survived and spent most of December and January in hospital again whilst we found a Nursing Home that knew what they were doing. Being granted Continuing Health Care on the grounds that she was dehydrated, lost over 10% of weight, had infections and numerous pressures sores and could no longer eat or drink normal food she moved into a lovely care home where she had been cared for but, due to pressure sores was bed bound. Yesterday in hospital the staff noted how well the pressure sores had been tended and this would have meant that she would finally have been able to have a better quality of life because she would have been able to sit in a chair in a few weeks/month.
But for some reason fate dictated that mum should not have any pleasure before her passing. In summary I am not sure whether I am grieving the loss of mum lovely mum today or losing her way back in July when any chance of a peaceful and dignified death.
I sit here now feeling numb that she is now longer with me, angry that she had to suffer so much and guilty that I was unable to stop it happening. I keep telling everyone I need to erase these last few months and remember mum as she was before the fall but I think I need to do the hardest one, remember her as she was before dementia got hold of her.
This is in acknowledgement of how brave and strong mum has been through the latter part of her life and how much of a whole she has left in my life. To me I will never meet another person for whom I have so much respect, love and compassion. Love you Lena you have been the best mother I could ever have asked for and I hope you are now at peace.
Thank you all for reading this post, it is serving as a release for my tears.
