Goodbye to a truly lovely mum

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by MollyMae23, Mar 12, 2015.

  1. MollyMae23

    MollyMae23 Registered User

    Jan 7, 2012
    I received that terrible phone call this morning - we are sorry to say you mum passed away at 6am. It wasn't a surprise, she had been rushed to hospital from her care home after inhaling after vomiting and she is/was 92 but that call this morning was so final.

    Mum was diagnosed with dementia five years ago and I became her full time carer. Over the years we had laughs and tears as the dementia didn't so much progress as steal parts of her away from me. However difficult it was and no matter how many periods of grief I experienced I loved helping mum and I think, I hope she was happy and content with me.

    She started dying by degrees last July when she had a fall, you know, one of those where even watching her like a hawk she still managed to grab a moment's distraction to fall and break her femur. She was in so much pain and pleaded with me to let her die but once the paramedics arrived and pain relief started she was smiling. This will be the last real memory I have of mum. She had to have an operation (worrying at her age) she survived. She had chronic sickness immediately after but still survived. She got moved to another hospital for rehabilitation which they decided the couldn't do because one leg was now shorter than the other but she still had to stay in hospital for over 10 weeks whilst social services continually cold me Nursing Homes (it was deemed that she couldn't return home) were as rare as hens teeth. Finally in a nursing home and beginning to show signs of further progression of dementia, she spent three months of shear hell in a Nursing zoomed that had no idea how to care for her. After many complaints and finally septicaemia from an infection in one of the many pressure sores the nursing homes neglect had cause, she was again in A&E. She survived and spent most of December and January in hospital again whilst we found a Nursing Home that knew what they were doing. Being granted Continuing Health Care on the grounds that she was dehydrated, lost over 10% of weight, had infections and numerous pressures sores and could no longer eat or drink normal food she moved into a lovely care home where she had been cared for but, due to pressure sores was bed bound. Yesterday in hospital the staff noted how well the pressure sores had been tended and this would have meant that she would finally have been able to have a better quality of life because she would have been able to sit in a chair in a few weeks/month.

    But for some reason fate dictated that mum should not have any pleasure before her passing. In summary I am not sure whether I am grieving the loss of mum lovely mum today or losing her way back in July when any chance of a peaceful and dignified death.

    I sit here now feeling numb that she is now longer with me, angry that she had to suffer so much and guilty that I was unable to stop it happening. I keep telling everyone I need to erase these last few months and remember mum as she was before the fall but I think I need to do the hardest one, remember her as she was before dementia got hold of her.

    This is in acknowledgement of how brave and strong mum has been through the latter part of her life and how much of a whole she has left in my life. To me I will never meet another person for whom I have so much respect, love and compassion. Love you Lena you have been the best mother I could ever have asked for and I hope you are now at peace.

    Thank you all for reading this post, it is serving as a release for my tears.
  2. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    I'm so sorry to read your news. It's heartbreaking.

    Sending condolences and wishing you strength.
  3. Acco

    Acco Registered User

    Oct 3, 2011
    Sorry to hear of your sad loss. My condolences and hope for your strength over the coming days and weeks.
  4. Ash148

    Ash148 Registered User

    Jan 1, 2014
    Dublin, Ireland
    Dear MollyMae, my condolences. Your mum is at peace now, but what a terrible struggle she and you have had. I hope these latest memories will fade in time and you will remember earlier happier days with her, but I am sure it will take time to process and come to terms with the suffering of the past months.
  5. Gigglemore

    Gigglemore Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    British Isles
    So sorry for your loss. I can understand your anger at the poor care your mum received last year but do hope that the memories of that time will fade soon. She had such a long life, there must be many happy memories that I hope will come back to you over the next weeks and months. They will make you cry, but I hope they will comfort you too. Take care.
  6. Pickles53

    Pickles53 Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    Radcliffe on Trent
    So sad for you and your family; sending you my deepest sympathy.
  7. betsie

    betsie Registered User

    Jun 11, 2012
    I am so sorry, I know exaxtly how you feel. I am awaiting the dreaded phonecall too. My dad has now been 15 days without fluids.
    It is so awful hat we have had to loose them to this horrible disease but then to watch them suffer so much at the end of their lives seems so cruel.

    Your mum is at peace now, her pain is over. I hope you can gain some comfort from that thought. I am sure she will always be watching over you.
  8. elizabet

    elizabet Registered User

    Mar 26, 2013
    sending you sympathy .
  9. Roses40

    Roses40 Registered User

    Jan 25, 2015
    My thoughts and tears are with you. I wish you strength and love x
  10. chick1962

    chick1962 Registered User

    Apr 3, 2014
    near Folkestone
    My thoughts are with you , so sorry about your mums passing. Xxxx

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  11. Solihull

    Solihull Registered User

    Oct 2, 2014
    West Midlands
    I am sorry for your loss Mollymae. I have a theory that we all grieve twice for our loved ones with dementia. I felt a sense of bereavement last year when mum was finally admitted into care with the realisation that my old mum was no longer there for me (how selfish). I now realise that one day I will go through this again. I am sure you did everything for the best Mollymae - we are only human. Sue xx

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