Goodbye Mum

[Shedrech]

hi @Kikki21
special days are the ones that bring home our loss - even after years I still feel I want to celebrate with mum and then do a bit of a double take when I realise ... I treat myself instead as both mum and dad live on in me and they loved to treat me, and I send up a thankyou to them for all they did for me

I recognise the disconnect you mention - I felt as though I was walking through treacle, so much effort to keep moving and everything seemed to take ages so I lost my sense of time - grief has strange effects on each of us - be gentle with yourself

 

[Kikki21]

hi @Kikki21
special days are the ones that bring home our loss - even after years I still feel I want to celebrate with mum and then do a bit of a double take when I realise ... I treat myself instead as both mum and dad live on in me and they loved to treat me, and I send up a thankyou to them for all they did for me

I recognise the disconnect you mention - I felt as though I was walking through treacle, so much effort to keep moving and everything seemed to take ages so I lost my sense of time - grief has strange effects on each of us - be gentle with yourself

Thank you @Shedrech that is exactly that feeling, walking through treacle. Going through so much when my mum was in hospital, the worry, the mind blowing facts that the nightmare had come true, that my mum was not responding to antibiotics & that she would not survive an operation to explore what was going wrong with her digestive system.
It seems mad what they put on her death certificate - main cause was dementia & then sub causes of aspiration pneumonia, constipation & bowel obstruction. The sheer horror of being placed on a syringe driver.

And now the awful situation of her will, not being executor & trying to find my way through all of that. I’m definitely not ready to celebrate her life, not when I feel that I will have more grief to go through at the moment. I know other members of this forum have had to go through it as in being next of kin but not an executor & I know so many people have sympathy for me as they knew what my mum was like.

 

[DianeW]

I am so very sorry for your loss, I have read both your threads and watched as your poor Mum continued to fight, you have done a wonderful job of being there and supporting your Mum, which has been difficult for you.

And now you have all of this with the will to contend with, it’s just another hurdle you could so do without it, not being in control when so involved is going to be very difficult for you I imagine.

Unless by some miracle your Mum has changed her will, then all you can do is work with the executors amicably to fulfil her wishes, I so wish you had been left executor though as it would have been easier for you to administer, if you were the decision maker etc.

Look after yourself x

 

[Marcelle123]

Thank you @Shedrech that is exactly that feeling, walking through treacle. Going through so much when my mum was in hospital, the worry, the mind blowing facts that the nightmare had come true, that my mum was not responding to antibiotics & that she would not survive an operation to explore what was going wrong with her digestive system.
It seems mad what they put on her death certificate - main cause was dementia & then sub causes of aspiration pneumonia, constipation & bowel obstruction. The sheer horror of being placed on a syringe driver.

And now the awful situation of her will, not being executor & trying to find my way through all of that. I’m definitely not ready to celebrate her life, not when I feel that I will have more grief to go through at the moment. I know other members of this forum have had to go through it as in being next of kin but not an executor & I know so many people have sympathy for me as they knew what my mum was like.

But despite it all, you loved and stood by her, and forgave her in her final illness. And will now cope with all this difficulty, accepting what your Mum was like. It's a great pity that she was so touchy and it must hurt too - but a great tribute to you, that you have reacted so positively.

Very sad that Mother's Day has followed so soon upon your loss.
I put a photo of my Mum (from when I was a child) up on my Facebook page and it helps that friends and family have 'liked' it.

I do remember the 'weird' feeling. Despite the fact that we know we must die, and that the probability is that our older generation will pass first, the fact of death seems incredible, and so hard for the brain to comprehend.

My heart goes out to you.

Thank you for posting about your experience. You have often said that it helps you, but it helps others too. I have been able to 'make more sense' out of my experience by hearing about yours too.

Love & best wishes for today, and for the week ahead. xx

 

[Kikki21]

I am so very sorry for your loss, I have read both your threads and watched as your poor Mum continued to fight, you have done a wonderful job of being there and supporting your Mum, which has been difficult for you.

And now you have all of this with the will to contend with, it’s just another hurdle you could so do without it, not being in control when so involved is going to be very difficult for you I imagine.

Unless by some miracle your Mum has changed her will, then all you can do is work with the executors amicably to fulfil her wishes, I so wish you had been left executor though as it would have been easier for you to administer, if you were the decision maker etc.

Look after yourself x

Thank you @DianeW for your lovely words. I hope the executors will work with me & that’s the best thing we can hope for really in this situation seeing as I had everything to do with my mum etc & know so much more than they do!
You are right if I had been an executor then most of this would be relatively easy to go through instead of directing other people through it. I really don’t see the point that my mum appointed someone who has to work & take time off to do anything, I don’t think it is fair on him & ok she wanted to give him something for his trouble but practically all he can do is help clear her house I guess.
I really do need to get this funeral sorted though so that is the next thing on my mind x

 

[Kikki21]

But despite it all, you loved and stood by her, and forgave her in her final illness. And will now cope with all this difficulty, accepting what your Mum was like. It's a great pity that she was so touchy and it must hurt too - but a great tribute to you, that you have reacted so positively.

Very sad that Mother's Day has followed so soon upon your loss.
I put a photo of my Mum (from when I was a child) up on my Facebook page and it helps that friends and family have 'liked' it.

I do remember the 'weird' feeling. Despite the fact that we know we must die, and that the probability is that our older generation will pass first, the fact of death seems incredible, and so hard for the brain to comprehend.

My heart goes out to you.

Thank you for posting about your experience. You have often said that it helps you, but it helps others too. I have been able to 'make more sense' out of my experience by hearing about yours too.

Love & best wishes for today, and for the week ahead. xx

Thank you @Marcelle123 yep we have to be strong & I know I am made of strong stuff but all my life it seems that I have had to fight & battle & just for once, it would have been amazing to have something just come into my life without any upheaval or as little as possible!
I have posted a little photo on my Facebook page about my mum not being here & how weird it is.

It really was the case that I was simply not “allowed” to not be around for my birthday, Mother’s Day, my mum’s birthday & Christmas & so we had to work around all these occasions in even attempting to go anywhere so yes today is weird with no card, no flowers & no gift to take round anywhere xx

 

[nitram]

On a practical note, most banks will release a relatively large sum without probate, for larger sums the executor may have to sign an indemnity, probably at a solicitors.

'Each organisation has its own limit on how much it will release without a grant of probate but in general it used to be around £15,000 to £20,000.

To help make life easier for those wrapping up a deceased relative’s estate, a number of High Street banks have now increased their limit.

Lloyds Bank has raised its limit from £25,000 to £50,000 and Royal Bank of Scotland from £15,000 to £25,000.'
https://www.thisismoney.co.uk/money...eaved-families-banks-raise-probate-limit.html

If the executor opens a specific account to receive the funds this makes things easier, the executor can then use this account to pay for all agreed funeral expenses.

 

[Kikki21]

On a practical note, most banks will release a relatively large sum without probate, for larger sums the executor may have to sign an indemnity, probably at a solicitors.

'Each organisation has its own limit on how much it will release without a grant of probate but in general it used to be around £15,000 to £20,000.

To help make life easier for those wrapping up a deceased relative’s estate, a number of High Street banks have now increased their limit.

Lloyds Bank has raised its limit from £25,000 to £50,000 and Royal Bank of Scotland from £15,000 to £25,000.'
https://www.thisismoney.co.uk/money...eaved-families-banks-raise-probate-limit.html

If the executor opens a specific account to receive the funds this makes things easier, the executor can then use this account to pay for all agreed funeral expenses.

Thank you - that is very useful to know & will definitely cover her accounts at the Halifax & at Lloyd’s bank too.
That would cover her funeral costs plus her personal requests to give money to beneficiaries other than myself.

 

[nitram]

That would cover her funeral costs plus her personal requests to give money to beneficiaries other than myself.

It is up to the executor to distribute the estate according to the will when all assets have been received and creditors paid.

Until the house has been sold no distribution should happen, funeral expenses reduce the estate to be distributed.

 

[Kikki21]

It is up to the executor to distribute the estate according to the will when all assets have been received and creditors paid.

Until the house has been sold no distribution should happen, funeral expenses reduce the estate to be distributed.

Thank you again. That is something to tell the executors for sure. I have already read that funeral expenses are paid out of the estate first & then there is the wait.
I may have to take out an overdraft or a short term loan in that chance until this is all sorted.

 

[nitram]

If funds are released into an executor's account funeral expenses can be paid from that account.
Transfer of funds to executors is virtually instantaneous.
Funeral directors/crematorium will not require instant payment.
.

 

[MaNaAk]

And so I find myself in this part of the forum.
I always had a bad feeling about my mum going into hospital this time.
Sadly I was right. Her final fight with dementia went on much longer than expected. She fought like a true champion.
She didn’t deserve this at all, no one does but I do take comfort in the fact that she passed peacefully. It feels weird, surreal, even spacey that it’s all happened.

Dear Kikky,

I am so sorry to hear about your mum and I have read many of your threads. You can safely say you did your best for your lovely mum and she would have been proud of you.

Hugs to you

MaNaAk

 

[Elle3]

Thank you - that is very useful to know & will definitely cover her accounts at the Halifax & at Lloyd’s bank too.
That would cover her funeral costs plus her personal requests to give money to beneficiaries other than myself.

Hi Kiki, just so you know, Lloyds and Halifax are part of the same group, so if you make an appointment with one, they pass on all the information to the others. My dad had accounts with both and a private pension with Scottish Widows, which are also in the group.

I made an appointment with Lloyds and I had to take in the death certificate, the Will and ID for myself, I am an executor though. They then give you a statement with all the accounts in the group and their balances which you can then use for an estimated HMRC Inheritance tax valuation. Within a week I also received separate letters in the post from each of them.

 

[Kikki21]

I have had to chase up the solicitor this morning & waiting for another call back as I need to know whether I can collect the will or not. It’s a difficult time & by not calling me back, I must admit that I feel quite angry as clearly we need to move on sorting things out & if I can’t collect it then I need to contact cousin K & she will have to do that & tie that in with closing my mum’s accounts at one of the banks which would be in the same area & make sense.

I am not sure if they can close the other account at Lloyd’s through the Halifax branch but it is worth a go.

I have contacted another funeral company & I am happy with their quote but they would want £1000 paying in advance so it is important that K does the bank thing. I am waiting on them to call me back with a date & a time for the funeral & then I need to see them & arrange for K to do what she needs to do. I sort of feel that I can’t move on with my life until this is sorted.

 

[Kikki21]

I’ve had a terrible day today & although I have achieved some important stuff, I have had to deal with the horrific attitude of my cousin K, one of the executors of my mum’s will.

I eventually spoke to the solicitor & he confirmed that this was the 2012 will & that my cousin K & the family friend were the executors & that my mum was quite adamant about using them. Thanks very much for that, made me feel even more down. The thing was my mum did change her will & executors on a frequent basis.

Anyway he confirmed that one of them would have to collect the Will & so I conveyed that news to my cousin K. Bear in mind that this woman is my first cousin so a close relative as such. She basically made out that being an executor is a massive inconvenience to her, that she needs to do things as quickly as possible because her daughter is now going back to work after maternity leave & she is looking after the kids & she hasn’t got the time.
Oh yes I am so sorry that my mum decided to die at this time & made you executor so that you would have extra duties to fulfil. I was massively upset by her attitude & that she is being made to begrudgingly help me.
Trust me that I would rather she was not an executor at all!

The solicitor also said to ensure that the bungalow has buildings insurance on it - well I told my cousin K about this too but oh no, she’s too busy to do that so as this is my inheritance & the fact that I wasn’t sure it was covered or not, I managed to get probate insurance on the property, rightly or wrongly, but I can’t afford for the building not to be insured. I am sure my mum had insurances on the property paid by direct debit but my mum would never allow me or anyone else to touch her papers ( due to dementia) so we might be doubly insured but I would rather that than not be insured at all.

So on Thursday, my cousin K will come here to pick me up & then go to pick up the will & then onto the bank to sort out the accounts.
I don’t think she is going to do the executorship at all & will leave it to me to sort which kind of makes a mockery of the whole process & why my mum wanted her to do it in the first place.

 

[Kikki21]

Through all that, I had another quote for my mum’s funeral & sorted that & now we have a date for it, a week tomorrow. I have got to try & organise a wake somewhere as well.

The quote came in much lower than the others, I think this company get some sort of subsidy from the council but in any case, I was happy to go with them & they are local as well & seemed very friendly & knowledgeable. No doubt my cousin K will be bitching about me not having a church service for my mum. But the fact is my mum has not attended church for many years since my dad passed away. Many of her friends would have passed away too & although the local priest visited my mum at her home & at the care home, I really wanted the service to be more upbeat & not about the church & meaningful. At least the Polish priest will officiate!

 

[lis66]

Hi kikki21 how awful for you to go through all this on your own ,yes you would expect some compassion especially from a close family member but I feel from personal experience not many people care ,I am on my own no siblings to help me look after mum ,just three cousins who done very little ,hope you get sorted without to much stress xx

 

[Kikki21]

Hi kikki21 how awful for you to go through all this on your own ,yes you would expect some compassion especially from a close family member but I feel from personal experience not many people care ,I am on my own no siblings to help me look after mum ,just three cousins who done very little ,hope you get sorted without to much stress xx

Thank you @lis66 it really is awful. I am not on my own thankfully as I have my fiancé with me, I am good with my other cousin G from my mum’s side of the family & another more distant cousin R from my mum’s side of the family who lives in Germany & that is about it from that side of the family - the other much larger side of the family is my dad’s side & most of them are not worth knowing & basically do not care & haven’t looked after my mum on the same level or anywhere near as I did with my mum.

Cousin K saw her once in hospital. As did cousin T - she seemed really incredulous that my mum was actually dying. Oh I’ll come & see her next week... I said well if you do that then she’ll probably won’t be with us..... and so that happened.
Cousin K saw her maybe 4 times in the year that my mum was in the care home. Cousin T maybe twice. I saw my mum once or twice a week without fail while she was in the care home & near enough every day she was in hospital & several hours a day for the last week
Xx

 

[DianeW]

Kikki maybe it will work out better if your cousin is too busy to do the executor work, maybe she will be happy for you to do as much as you can it, just keeping her and other executor updated on the process. Obviously some of it they will have to do themselves.

Now I do really think you need to be very careful though, especially if the relationship is a little strained....the last thing you want is to set yourself up for any conflict or accusations, it is after all the legal duty of the executors to administer the estate, but depending on the relationships and the fact that the executors don’t really want to do it, it could work for all of you, but really do be careful.

I really do feel for you having this to deal with as well as the loss of your Mum x

 

[Jessbow]

Kikki maybe it will work out better if your cousin is too busy to do the executor work, maybe she will be happy for you to do as much as you can it, just keeping her and other executor updated on the process. Obviously some of it they will have to do themselves.

I agree, you need to keep her on side. Some if it they may do, some perhaps you can although officially ( And legally) its should be them.You wont have any legal right to sell your mother property ( Or even instruct estate agent) for instance.
Bear in mind you need to really have their consent to do things, and certainly they should do things like apply for the probate, open an exec account and such like ( Not you)

Something else you need to bear in mind is that executing a will takes time, and often a lot longer than you think. You may not realise whatever you are due for 12 months or so, and it wont be because they are dragging their heels. It does take time