1. Expert Q&A: Benefits - Weds 23 October, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of benefits. It will be hosted by Lauren from our Knowledge Services team. She'll be answering your questions on Wednesday 23 October between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

  1. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    2,007
    Female
    East Midlands
    That’s the thing, through all of this, she isn’t even thinking that I have just lost my mum as basically she is making out that it is all about her.
    I really don’t know what my mum was thinking in making her executor. Like it or not, she has duties to fulfil & there is only so much I can do.
    I haven’t got an issue with the other executor but the fact is he isn’t local & would have to take time off work to do stuff. And she is family & he isn’t x
     
  2. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    2,007
    Female
    East Midlands
    It’s not me being a cow to her but the other way round. I have said I am happy to work with her but it’s clear that it is all a bind to her & she would rather not do it.
    I know she can renounce it but then that would cause massive issues such as delaying the funeral. I will have see what tasks I can give to the other executor & have a discussion with him.
     
  3. Elle3

    Elle3 Registered User

    Jun 30, 2016
    618
    I really feel for you Kiki21, you don’t need all this, when you should be grieving. Your cousin should be supporting you through this difficult time not causing you more stress. Is there no other family members that could speak to her?

    Dealing with a deceased persons estate is not easy, especially with property to sell and having to go through probate. My dad’s estate is very simple and I started the process yesterday, filing the HMRC inheritance tax forms, then the Probate forms at a cost of £215. I did it all online but it’s still not easy and I knew my dad’s financial situation without having to search for things. If your cousin is going to be a reluctant and awkward executor then it’s just going to get harder I’m sorry to say.
     
  4. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    2,007
    Female
    East Midlands
    I hope my fiancé will have a word with her at the funeral. He’s quite diplomatic but would hopefully put her into line & tell her that she needs to bind her beak in so to speak & try & sort things out.
    She won’t know anything of what needs to be done & neither will the family friend who is not familiar with stuff like this being from Poland.

    My mum’s estate won’t be subject to inheritance tax as she is under the threshold but I know all the paperwork still needs to be filled in & her excuse will be that she is just too busy. There is also the cost of everything & I don’t have the funds to do a lot & neither will the other executor. I have a feeling she will just throw it over for me to do.
     
  5. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    2,007
    Female
    East Midlands
    I have grounded myself into writing a eulogy for my mum’s service. I am trying to make it into a positive thing even though much about my mum was a negative sadly.
    The funeral is only a week away & so I have also pushed on into finding a place to have a wake afterwards & have done so. It’s a hotel who are close by & who have experience with dealing with wakes. It’s not going to be for loads of people, maybe not even 25. I will tell them to cater for that number.
     
  6. DianeW

    DianeW Registered User

    Sep 10, 2013
    507
    Lytham St Annes
    Just an idea......

    Maybe you could suggest you and both executors get together for lunch somewhere quiet so that you can fully discuss the situation, acknowledging it’s a difficult and somewhat unwanted task for them, and reiterating that even though you are grieving the loss of your Mum, you are prepared to do as much as you can to diminish their workload, and that you want to work together on it.

    Work out together what they have to do, and also what they will allow you to do, and maybe agree to another lunch in future to keep each other updated.
     
  7. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    2,007
    Female
    East Midlands
    I think that is a good idea & I would go for that but practically it may be difficult. One of the executors lives in Luton & works 6 days a week. The other my cousin K is in North Notts about an hour away from me & obviously she has made it very clear that she is so busy! I have asked to have a chat with executor P in Luton. He is more tech savvy than cousin K so could do the online stuff.
    The only opportunity I will get to speak with them both is the funeral & wake afterwards & maybe I need to print out a list of duties for each of them. I really do not need this at all. ☹️
     
  8. Jessbow

    Jessbow Registered User

    You dont need to do lists of duties, its there job to sort it out between them and either get on and do it, or decline and hand it over.

    I was my fathers exec- I would really have hated anyone telling me what I had to do and when.
    They have a job to do, and until they decide they are not going to, leave them alone to get on with it.

    Even funeral expenses are paid from your mums estate, the bill goes the the exec for payment- dont be worrying about it. Its their responsibility.

    the solicitor that hold the will, will no doubt write to them, ask them if they are prepared to do it, if not, the solicitor will often take it on himself.
     
  9. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    2,007
    Female
    East Midlands
    I know it is their job but if you had listened to the phone call I had with my cousin yesterday & how she termed she wanted everything doing as quickly as possible because she is so busy & how she basically said she didn’t have time to do stuff then you would know why i’m so worried! Giving them a list might be helpful. The thing is once she starts doing stuff, she can’t step down.
     
  10. Jessbow

    Jessbow Registered User

    She can, she can step down at any time. She might get 9months into it, decide she cant do any more, and throw in the towel * hand it to a solicitor. ( Then solicitors costs come from the estate)
     
  11. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    2,007
    Female
    East Midlands
    I think we’ll be very lucky for her to even get to next week if I am honest!
     
  12. nitram

    nitram Registered User

    Apr 6, 2011
    19,045
    Male
    North Manchester
    Careful with the definition of 'step down'
    She can ask for assistance at any time, she cannot renounce if she has intermeddled - started performing the duties as executrix.

    'It is only possible to renounce if you have not intermeddled in the deceased’s estate. Intermeddling is carrying out the sort of tasks that an executor may do, such as letting a bank know of the death. If there are two executors, and one is given a specific legacy, and takes possession of that legacy without consent of the co-executor, this will amount to an act of administration. This is why it is important if you do not wish to extract a grant not to take any steps in relation to the estate. It should be noted that arranging a funeral is not intermeddling.'
    https://www.thegazette.co.uk/wills-and-probate/content/100321


     
  13. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    2,007
    Female
    East Midlands
    Thank you - I didn’t think she could just step down. I do need cousin K to sort out the stuff with the bank with me tomorrow & to collect the will. This is important to sort out the funeral & for it to be paid for as well as the wake.
    I really don’t think that either of the executors actually know what is required, neither did they know about any of my mum’s financial matters etc. If she wants to pass it all on to P then that’s up to them to decide.
    I can of course assist them or they can choose to seek legal advice.
     
  14. nitram

    nitram Registered User

    Apr 6, 2011
    19,045
    Male
    North Manchester
    #94 nitram, Apr 2, 2019
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2019
    Why go to the bank?
    Better to get copy of will, show it to funeral director/crematorium/...and ask them to send invoice to cousin K.
    They may check with K that she is in agreement.


    If they both formally renounced you could apply to be administrator, as (assumed) main beneficiary this would be granted.
    Everything would be under your control.
    Is this what you want?
    Would this be acceptable to them?
    Beware of intermeddling if you take this approach.
     
  15. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    2,007
    Female
    East Midlands
    Cousin K is going to collect the will with me on Thursday & going to the bank is in the same area so it can be done on the same day as she obviously hasn’t got the time. This funeral director need paying some money in advance so she needs to sort the money side of things ASAP.
    I have just spoken to P the other executor & at least he has spoken to someone who works in the legal side of things & he is at least aware of the duties that it involves. I am sure I can work with him. If all my cousin K does is the stuff on Thursday & he has to do the rest then we will be ok.

    I’d be happy to do it myself if I had to but the above is also ok. I would rather not deal with cousin K & get in the way of her living her life!
     
  16. nitram

    nitram Registered User

    Apr 6, 2011
    19,045
    Male
    North Manchester
    Once the bank has sight of the will they will release funeral expenses to the FD on the authorisation of K, FD needs to submit invoice.
     
  17. Elle3

    Elle3 Registered User

    Jun 30, 2016
    618
    I haven't paid a penny to the Funeral Directors as yet. I just told them it would be settled from my dad's estate and all they asked for was confirmation that the funds were there to pay the bill. This confirmation was a letter/statement of my dad's current account which I got the bank to print, showing there was sufficient funds. The bank have said as soon as the FD provides an invoice they will write a cheque for the amount.

    I can't help thinking that you shouldn't be doing all that you are doing to assist your cousin in her role as Executor. I know you are doing it with the best of intentions but like Nitram has pointed out it really should be left to the executors to sort out as per your mum's instructions and if they cannot fulfill their duties fully they need to say so now before they start doing anything. They could renounce their duties and then you could step in and apply as administrator to the courts.
     
  18. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    2,007
    Female
    East Midlands
    I know K & P should open a bank account with the money from my mum’s accounts in it but I can’t see that happening. Unless the bank can do it there & then & K can open the account. It just means that P wouldn’t have access to it.
     
  19. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    2,007
    Female
    East Midlands
    I know the funds are there from my mum’s 3 x Halifax accounts to pay for her funeral costs & the wake so that’s ok.
    This funeral company did say they need money in advance but not all of it.
    I know what you are saying & you are right but it was either do that or I would be delaying the funeral. My cousin actually wanted to leave her car at our house & for us to drive her to the solicitors & the bank but I said we couldn’t do that as my fiancé is away on business on Thursday so she’ll have to pick me up.
     
  20. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    2,007
    Female
    East Midlands
    I feel horrible tonight. My fiancé was late coming back home & we haven’t even eaten yet & so we did a bit of shopping & then dropped by my mum’s house & I picked out an outfit for her to wear for her funeral. Even though she is going to be cremated, I picked out a nice outfit, one that she had made herself because hopefully that would make her happy wherever she is now.
    I’m not going to see my mum at the chapel
    of rest. I said so many goodbyes to her at the hospital that I do not feel the need to say another but I know that it is a very personal thing to do or not do.
     

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