Goodbye and Hello

[Woo2]

She refuses to wear hearing aids as she say’s they are too big and uncomfortable , we did looking at getting her smaller ones privately but I wonder how much is due to hearing or Dementia . She will hear if I ask I she wants cake or ice cream ? Crafty Minx .

 

[Sarasa]

I’d not bother with trying private hearing aids. Your brain needs to adjust to them and if you have dementia it’s too late. Hope you get to the bottom of what ever is causing the decline, and that there is some improvement.

 

[annielou]

She is def sleeping more @annielou , it’s not that that has upset me it’s the troubled look on her face and the answer’s taking so long , there is really such a long gap in answering , even yesterday when she couldn’t hear she was answering when I shouted at her , today she heard me knock on her door ok but took so long to reply to my question’s , when I ask her is she is ok, in pain , need anything she just looks in to space . I have pulled myself together a bit and have watched a film but can feel the tears are bubbling under the surface , it really isn’t me to cry . I think maybe its because I can see that she is going to need more than I give her very soon or maybe it’s something else , I just know I feel completely adrift . Appreciate the hugs thank you so much ? Will see how she is in the morning , I really don’t want her to have to go to hospital unless absolutely necessary.

Those are feelings I recognise and I'm so sorry you're having them. I imagine a lot of carers get them at some point. No wonder you want to cry ❤ In lieu of any useful advice, which I'm sadly lacking, here's a few more hugs ? ? ?

 

[Woo2]

Thanks @Sarasa , I did think that, I feel bad she can’t here but it wasn’t much better when she wore them which makes me think it was more a processing issue . Thank you @annielou , hugs always appreciated and it helps hugely . Will just wait and see how she is this morning , not up yet .

 

[Bikerbeth]

I hope your Mum is feeling better today. I hope you are able to find out if it is a UTI or get to the doctor.
I know you were feeling a bit better but if you feel like crying have a good ‘wail’ and then you will be able to move on. Lots of hugs from too ??????

 

[Woo2]

Thank you @Bikerbeth ? Mum happy and laughing along this morning , hubby playing the village idiot to make her laugh . She had breakfast ok and I got her in shower and had hair wash . Got her dressed and left her to dry her hair , when I went back in after 10 minutes she has changed back in to pyjamas . Got her dressed again and out in garden reading paper until Mary turned up. Hearing still bad ,putting in drops she got from Dr before for last few days but will get them to check it . I do think she has moved a stage , she has been pretty stable for last 2 years so we were expecting a drop at some point . Mr Woo2 thinks DC twice a week is wearing her out , will reassess I guess .Mary told me earlier she has applied for teaching job? she wants to still come on a Sunday though , that’s good but it isn’t going to help me much so we might have to look for another or agency .Hope you still having a lovely time away and weather good.

 

[Bikerbeth]

Glad to hear that your Mum was better this morning. I guess when you can get your Mum’s hearing checked out that might make a difference. We all know dementia is a one way street but it doesn’t help knowing it though.
Sorry to hear about Mary, just as it was helping you out a bit and your Mum got on with her. Maybe if you are looking for ‘someone’ else they could do a half day to replace one of the Day Care days if you see what I mean.

 

[Woo2]

For sure , I put drops in just now and they disappeared straight down whereas they had been pooling in her outer ear as if it was blocked . Not made any difference to her hearing though , I will get it checked this week . I am pondering DC as I think I will struggle only having one day a week to do my jobs , but we will see what happens . If that’s best for mum then so be it .Mum is getting hump now if she can’t see me and going to bed during the day if I even go to washing machine ,or hoover upstairs , if I’m out of sight for more than 5-10 minutes off she goes . Will also call CMHT just to chat about it and see what they think . Mary might not get it but I have to be prepared now as she is obviously looking for more work but doesn’t want to stick with just us as I offered her more hrs , I can understand that .

 

[Bikerbeth]

How are you and your Mum doing?
Have you made any decisions about day care yet as to whether to cut the days down?
Have you started to look for Mary 2? It is such a shame that Mary 1 cannot continue. If Mary 1 still came on Sunday would it perhaps give you time to go out with hubby and girls.
How is your Mum’s hearing?

 

[Woo2]

Thanks @Bikerbeth , haven’t decided about DC just carrying on for now . Mary didn’t get one of the jobs she went for , waiting for news about the other one , I’m not sure if she knows herself what she wants , just taking things as they come, I haven’t looked at another agency yet . I emailed a couple of the homes but they haven’t replied , that was a couple of weeks ago . We are plodding along ok at the moment , can all change in a heartbeat I know . Mums hearing is better since I put the drops in so I am continuing with them.

 

[Bikerbeth]

Plodding along is good sometimes

 

[anxious annie]

I hope that your mum's hearing continues to improve with the drops. It's a worry when there's a deterioration and you can't quite pin point what could be causing it. A bit of a roller coaster caring for someone with dementia. Fingers crossed you soon see an improvement.

 

[Bikerbeth]

I hope you and your Mum are still plodding on with no dramas ?

 

[Woo2]

Thank you @Bikerbeth , we are indeed .

 

[Woo2]

Not had much to update here, everyday much the same , emailed some homes requesting a brochure and enquiring about respite /permanent care but only one contacted me . Sounds very nice , they have 2 beds free but I don’t feel ready yet . Sunday am wasn’t great , luckily Mary came and cheered Mum up which in turn cheered me greatly . DC fine , Mum was very animated about a fellow user last week and called her a b...ch and said she wanted to punch her I instantly said that’s not nice, you should let these things wash over you and be kind , you don’t know her circumstances but the staff member said oh she does wind your mum up and was smiling , I really was very cross that mum was so not nice , but let it go as no point going over it . She has been moaning about this lady for weeks . We are just plodding along , Hubby is struggling and becoming a little distant , he comes home , has dinner and shower then goes to his shed or sits in our room until Mum goes to bed , I feel time is running out and I will need to find a home, hoping to eek it out until next year but ultimately I need to keep him happy I know . Hoping I can bury my head a little and bumble along for a few months . We did have a good chat last week and I told him he needed to be a little more compassionate, he told me I need to step back and look at the situation .

 

[Sarasa]

Shame not more care homes got back to you @Woo2. I does sound as though you need to seriously consider at least some respite for your mum. She seems to be chugging along fine, but it sounds like your husband might not be.
I think I've said before that my husband refused to countenance the idea of my mother living with us, not that I thought it a good idea anyway, based on his experiences growing up. His grandmother lived with them for a few years from when he was sixteen and in the end my father in law was threatening to leave my mother in law if she didn't move her mother to a home. My in-laws had a good, happy marriage and a large house that enabled the grandmother to have her own on-suite room and her own sitting room, but it still didn't work.

 

[Woo2]

Thanks @Sarasa , I’m scared of her doing respite , I don’t want to unbalance mum and for her to deteriorate and also I worry how easily it will be to get her to settle here again after . I like the idea of a break , this was the reason we got Mary so we could get a night or two away but she is hesitant , I can understand that as she has only been here a short time ,plus with all that has happened this year it hasn’t been easy to get away . I think it’s that hubby only has time off work if we go away as is self employed , he needs a break away . Not just mum stopping us going away though , it’s the girls too . We have booked a fortnight next summer and we will be going without mum (I find this very hard as I feel guilty even thinking about it ) I am stuck in those feelings of thinking I should be with her and take her wherever I go, I didn’t leave my girls so why would I her . It is me creating the problem I know , as I am getting down sometimes with mum and he is my support, but I feel like I can’t let off steam to him now . I’m probably being a bit daft and maybe selfish but I don’t want her to go in to a home yet as I will feel I have let her and my dad down, she has cared me I should be able to care for her .

 

[jennifer1967]

hi woo2 just reading your thread, maybe you need to talk to someone once removed if you see what i mean. maybe your husband is just too involved in the situation and has his own feelings about it. could he just want you for couple of days at home to spend quality time. the parrot that sits on your shoulder is flying around the forum so maybe its your turn for him. maybe if you had time away then you could bring something new back to your mum.

 

[Woo2]

Oh I use @Weasell ’s parrot frequently ? well pretty much daily ,thanks @jennifer1967. I have to be clear in my own mind and it’s so conflicted , I feel like I am juggling keeping mum here and settled and trying to keep hubby happy .
How is your back pain now ?

 

[Starting on a journey]

Trying to imagine your situation..... would I have looked after mum if children were teenagers? Would we have continued if husband still alive?
Not really sure to be honest. I think bearing in mind that things ain’t going to get better I would be doing what you are doing and looking at care homes. How about ringing those that didn’t reply in case there was an e Mail error?
How’s about a full and frank chat with your family, and ask for their opinion on the way forward, young people can be extremely perceptive.
If your mum was at least on a waiting list you could perhaps focus? I know all about holidays.....before my husband died we managed to go to Canada, so glad we went . We have had some awful arguments about leaving her .... (never without 24/7 cover ) Mum was ok as she was last year when a colleague of my daughters stepped in so I could go away with my children.
Already booked a 5 day holiday for December 2021 so not exactly living it up but hoping that by then we can have respite care !