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Goodbye and Hello

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,786
South East
Meant to say Mary said yesterday that when she alone with Mum , mum tells her my dad just walked off one day , Mary said oh maybe he was poorly , Mum days that’s all I can think of as we were together so many years . 🥺Makes me so sad to think that’s the thought in her head , the day after he does she said dads just up and gone and sister said no he has died mum . Think she has blocked it out as she found him ,maybe that’s less painful for her but the thought he has left her isn’t much better. I toyed with the idea of telling her he had died but hubby says no it won’t serve any purpose .
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,786
South East
I’m fine thanks @annielou, got a good circuit breaker 😅 Didn’t realise until the trimmed wouldn’t switch on . I am sporting scratches now using shears so may re think and do it tom when I have trimmer fixed ! All good fun .
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,711
Yorkshire
Thank goodness for circuit breaker. Probably a job need long sleeves and gloves for so maybe a cooler weather job as todays a warm one. Maybe you could use the weather and strimmed wire as an excuse to sit and relax for a bit.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,786
South East
I have to sit most days with mum so when she is out I get jobs done , no sitting around today . I’m enjoying it anyway as it’s fresh air and exercise 😊
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,630
Bedford
You said she is happier when Mary is around and you think you need to try harder to be happier and kind. One big difference -you are looking after your Mum full time and your Mum is with you full time. Mary is like the special ‘friend’ that your Mum gets the best tea service out for. I think we will need to pass the guilt monster stick from Annielou to you.
not good cutting through the cable though - that’s why I won’t let OH have hedge trimmers as I think he would do the same. Glad you are ok though. At least you will have got a good dose of Vit D staying out longer in the sun :)
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,711
Yorkshire
Meant to say Mary said yesterday that when she alone with Mum , mum tells her my dad just walked off one day , Mary said oh maybe he was poorly , Mum days that’s all I can think of as we were together so many years . 🥺Makes me so sad to think that’s the thought in her head , the day after he does she said dads just up and gone and sister said no he has died mum . Think she has blocked it out as she found him ,maybe that’s less painful for her but the thought he has left her isn’t much better. I toyed with the idea of telling her he had died but hubby says no it won’t serve any purpose .
Missed this post earlier. That's sad 🤗
My mum often got upset thinking my dad had just left her as if it was new, she'd get so upset about it and ask why he didn't want her. He really wasn't worth getting upset over bless her and I found it really upsetting to think she was upset about it. Mum and dads situation is different to your mums in that mum threw dad out as she thought he'd been seeing their friend and he wouldn't explain, where as your dad didn't leave through choice bless him 🤗 I think maybe there is a similarity though in that our Mums remembers the painful feeling memories from that time but remembers the time and details wrong. To your mum maybe she can't remember what happened to him, whether through blocking it out or because of her dementia, it may just feel like he was there then wasn't and she remembers the painful memory of that but not what happened. Her brain come's up with a mixed up answer to why he's not there now. Mum would think a very similar thing about me too, she'd quite often ring me up on an evening and ask why I just left without telling her I was going. She was thinking I had been living with her and had just moved out without saying anything. She'd often tell me the same thing about 'Our Andie' when she thought I was 'friend'. Its a cruel thing. I would sometimes try to explain it was a long time ago and that it wasn't how she remembered it it was just her brain playing tricks on her or mixing up memories, sometimes it would help her settle a bit others she didn't believe me 🤗🤗🤗
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,786
South East
Thanks @Bikerbeth 😊 Yes I guess you are right , she loves seeing Mary who sits with her and gives her undivided attention and takes her out for coffee and cake . I can’t compete but she is happy overall . She is sleeping and eating much better thank you . Husband cut through the cable a couple of times and up to yesterday I never had so it was something I could gloat about ! He has good safety procedures as I am known for being clumsy as is one of our daughters:rolleyes:
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,847
I was going to say that Mary is just coming in for a couple of hours and taking your mum out for treats so it is much easier for her than you. Your mum probably sees her as a bit of a novelty too.
As for power cables, my husband cut through the lead to the hedge trimmer just as I was doing something on my laptop. I was very surprised when the internet suddenly disappeared as doing that had tripped the downstairs switches. I think that's the first time he had done it, and we've had the trimmers for twenty odd years.
Glad your mum is eating and sleeping better, long may it last.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,786
South East
We are lucky that the garage power is on a separate circuit , so doesn’t interfere with anything else ,well all plugs , lights , oven etc are on individual circuits so if one goes we don’t lose everything . Thanks @Sarasa ,
I just feel sad when I see how happy she is to see Mary , her face lights up , I don’t get that reaction , (unless I give her ice cream ) 😂 but I accept if Mary was caring for her 24/7 she would be the same .
 

anxious annie

Registered User
Jan 2, 2019
507
Hi Woo2, hope all is well in the garden! Thank goodness for circuit breakers. Mary will be looked at in the same way as grandparents. They come to visit, bring fun and treats, then parents are left with all the mundane tasks.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,786
South East
Yes indeed ,thanks @anxious annie , Mary has just left , Mum not quite as happy as usual but we had tears just before . She went to bed at 7.30pm last night , we had a big 3 course dinner and wine for husband’s birthday so think she was full up and tired , so consequently up from 4am , in and out and playing with dog and making ee bark , so got up early . All ok , had to nip out with daughter to shop , told mum I would be 10 minutes , she smiled and said ok , when I get back she is in her room crying , saying I thought you didn’t want me here , where in earth that come from who knows , gave her a cuddle and a coffee and helped her get dressed then Mary knocked . They stayed here in garden and I sat with them again for awhile , I really need to learn to go out 😂 I did take dog out for half hour in the end . Much better when they go out. Just get called to bathroom by youngest , wee in sink , over floor and toilet ,poo on floor, cleaned it up and Mum just said “I have soiled seat “ replied it’s fine it’s cleaned now , and changed subject as I don’t want her to feel bad. She has stopped using her pads weeks ago . Not that that would have stopped toilet accident. It really is a hideous disease , my lovely , smart , well groomed , sociable , kind caring mum reduced to this .🥺 The small consolation is she seems happy most of the time .
 

anxious annie

Registered User
Jan 2, 2019
507
I know what you mean @Woo2 , my mum was just the same, always well groomed. She would be horrified to know when at home she started not showering, changing clothes etc All so very sad, this hideous illness
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,711
Yorkshire
Aww 🤗 🤗 hugs for you both @Woo2 xx I hated it when mum would get all upset and say she thought we didn't want her and thought she couldn't see us anymore. Its heartbreaking isn't it. I think that is such a hard part of the disease as is the cleanliness too. My mum too would not be happy with her hygiene and abilities and how she's changed. Its a sad crappy disease which is beyond cruel. 🤗🤗
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,630
Bedford
Belated birthday wishes to Mr Woo2. It sounds like you did a lovely meal for him.
Poor you having to get up at silly o clock and how sad that your Mum thought you did not want her there. It does seem a recurring theme for people with dementia.
I am not sure I could keep handling ‘bathroom gate’ as well as you do. Again how upsetting for your Mum too. Mum too was always smart in her appearance and would be horrified now. Sometimes she notices her clothes and blames the Carers for ‘putting her in rags’ but other times she has no idea. I know she is so aware of how long her hair is and hates it.
i am glad that your Mum is happy most of the time.
just a little thought when you say you should do something when Mary is around - if Mary is also good company for you when sitting in the garden then it does not really matter - it is just different adult company if you see what I mean
 
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