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Goodbye and Hello

anxious annie

Registered User
Jan 2, 2019
410
Hi Woo2
I googled community dentist just as @Bikerbeth has suggested. Mum's community dentist is with the local health/children's centre. At the moment it is still closed because of covid.
 

Starting on a journey

Registered User
Jul 9, 2019
404
Funnily enough personal care is my line in the sand! Of course I will do it now and then as you would do for anyone but sustained daily no....My girls would and still do, wear jammies every where at home til all hours..they will have to get used to carers coming in.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,651
South East
I always said I would/could do it for family , it’s not so much the mechanics it’s getting it right and mum feeling comfortable that worries me , I feel reassured that I’m more worried than she is after the helpful replies I received . It’s walking a fragile line as husband and family were ok with her moving in on the proviso I would do everything that she needed , to be fair they didn’t sign up to carers in their home and having to clean up bathroom (occasionally )after mum , so I am trying to keep everyone happy. I’m sure they will get used to it , we did have a lady coming in a Friday for a couple of hours and they were ok with her.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,551
Bedford
I guess as inhibitions are reduced as Alzheimer’s progresses (If I remember correctly) It was me who was more embarrassed than Mum. Sometimes in the Care Home I would tell her that she had stinky feet and we could not go out until she had a shower to ‘unstinky’ them which she found funny. She was then quite happy walking around with no clothes on whilst I was busy shutting her bedroom door too to protect her dignity.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,636
Yorkshire
Hope your mum enjoys her new day at day centre today and everyone is nice 🤞 And good luck to you meeting possible carers 🍀 Hope that you find one you like and think will be suitable 🤞🤗
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,651
South East
Thanks @annielou for thinking of us , when you have so much on yourself . Mum slept in , had to wake her at 8.30am .she is always up by 6am usually but her friends came round yesterday for a socially distanced afternoon tea , really wore her out as she had a power nap as soon as they left . Haven’t seen them since February so it was lovely .We arrived in time this morning only for my face to drop as I saw it was the girls who she had issues with last two times :( She was almost sickly sweet to mum this morning .Different manager today though so that’s why she said let’s see how it goes . I hope it’s fine or it will be another change ! Carer is late , hopefully she arrives and it goes ok .
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,636
Yorkshire
😯😳🤗oh dear what a start🤗 you need a drink n a breather after that morning. How come all these things happen at once🙄. Glad you got mum there on time but not what you were hoping for to see her there today. 🙁 I hope the offending girl is on best behaviour all day. Is she the one who has handed notice in? Hopefully manager will keep good eye on her now they know shes not your mums cup of tea. 🤞 Good luck with carers hope has legitimate reason for lateness x
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,651
South East
Hmm I was really saddened to see her there, hopefully with different manager it will be ok , let’s hope anyway . No it was the manger that has handed notice in.
Carer turned up just 10 minutes late, we can be tricky to find. She was so nice and seems like a perfect fit , she wants to take mum out for lunch and to her house and do things with her , she is happy to stay here if we want to go away once they have established a relationship and we both feel relaxed at the idea . Feels a little like it went too well and there will be a problem but maybe it will be ok . How’s your day going ? X
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,636
Yorkshire
Oh bless I have that feeling sometimes, like so much doesn't go smoothly and when something feels like it is or will it's unusual and I doubt it. Do you doubt what she says or is it the good luck of finding someone you doubt do you think? Maybe have a think or a chat with hubby or something and try work out what that feeling is, Is it a gut instinct something is wrong or is it worry of getting your hopes up. An old friend used to write lists of her thoughts and worries when trying to decide something and then read them again after a bit of a break and see if any of worries or positive thoughts seemed less or more important when she went back and read it and if putting it down helped her decide.
If the things carer is offering to do with your mum seem like things mum would be happy with and her personality seems right then it might just be that worry of trusting your mums care to someone else that is niggling. And that feeling of 'Is something good really going to happen' cos we're not used to that.
It probably won't all go smoothly all the time, but there may not be any problems other than usual dementia related ones that she very likely will have experience with. If she has been checked by agency then she should be trustworthy and capable.
Have you seen both carers who you mentioned now or just one? Just wondering if you had feeling with other one too and if its worry about her or situation in general, which is totally understandable, its such a big thing. You can still change your mind if feel uncomfortable after meeting both and thinking about it and try again later but it may just be that disbelief feeling of I didn't think it would work and now it is.
Sorry if that was a round the house ramble with not much practical advice. I'm sending hugs and hope you get things sorted and feel comfortable with it x 🤗 🤗
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,551
Bedford
Glad to hear that your Mum had a lovely afternoon tea even if she was worn out afterwards. Must’ve a bit of normality back.
It sounds like you are having a mixed day so far but hopefully your Mum did enjoy day care today despite ‘that girl’ being there. Which Manager is leaving? The one there today? Maybe your Mum will sleep well again tonight With all the goings on.
That sounds positive about the first carer you saw. Did you see the second one today as well? It would be good if you felt positive about them both. Maybe this is the lucky break you need and it won’t be a case of too good to be true. You deserve some time.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,651
South East
Thank you both :) I could not believe it when I picked mum up she was there , she was so over sweet with me , I felt really it was a kick in the teeth to have them both there on the day that they weren’t supposed to be there , mum was fine but def seemed a little more edge and came home and went straight to bed , no dinner or anything , it could be just tiredness from yesterday and today but I’m going to cancel the second day and just send her to the lovely ladies on a Mon , the same team do a Friday but it’s fully booked .

the second carer I’m due to meet Mon but I don’t feel she is going to be right , she has more experience and has worked in care homes etc for 25 years but she looks young and strict , I know you can’t tell but the lady who came today was a teacher for special needs children and she is so softly spoken and she is a mature lady and I think mum will take to her better . She is really very nice from the hour and a half we spent with her . Girls came down too and after said she is the one , she is lovely . She can do weekends , evenings , anytime at all . Talked to hubby and he said go for it , cancel other lady. We are going to slowly build up the time and see how they get on, but I will stay here for first few visits until mum , carer and I are comfortable . She is happy to stay for a weekend too once they have established a relationship , We really just need a full day so we can pop to see husband’s family or take girls out for day . it all feels too good to be true , so I won’t be counting any chickens just yet but if it works out it could be great .
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,551
Bedford
So really hopes it works out with this Carer.
I assume day care has a cost so could you use that money to have Carer for a few hours, instead of day care with the ‘horrible staff’
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,651
South East
Yes it is costly the day centre , I wouldn’t mind if she is enjoying it . That’s what we said we will just do the one day and have carer in a Thursday instead . The centre has sent a new contract that I refuse to sign as it says we can only cancel mums place If she dies , goes in to permanent care or serious illness :oops: They then sent another one amending it to say if they have a months notice we won’t have to pay if she is away due to a holiday . what about if there is a problem like we have had we still have to pay . I do understand they are a business and need to fill places but really it’s a bit dictorial for a day centre .
 

Starting on a journey

Registered User
Jul 9, 2019
404
I guess a lot of people have to short notice cancel because of ill health and it’s their way of balancing the books, but giving adequate notice is fair enough.
The carer sounds nice and will give you a rest and if she has been used to special needs children I am sure she will be fine.
Two whole days off is wonderful isn’t it. Enjoy yourself as well as catching up!!
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,636
Yorkshire
I was just thinking while reading your post same as what @Bikerbeth has put, maybe use second day at day care money to pay for carer at home in its place. Give you a chance so you can get chance to go out when virus settles and do stuff for few hours, maybe you could have someone come for a few hours on evening or few hours saturday or sunday afternoon one day a week, or even once a fortnight, so you, hubby and girls can go out for meal, a walk, to the pictures or something. Or even just use a few regular hours to get some work done uninterrupted, or sit in your conservatory and read a book. I remember you'd started with carer before lock down and said not having her back but maybe you could so something similar as well as the one who you're thinking of for longer periods, unless this one can do regular visits to replace 2nd day centre day too maybe?.
It is such a shame they were both there at day centre today and spoilt your mums chances of good second day, I think unless another suitable day (which doesn't seem to be) then I'd do same as you and keep to lovely lady mondays.
Mums DC sent letter today saying she can go back on wednesday next week with form to sign and send back. Mum said I'm not going at first and that she hadn't liked it, I kept smiling and just said You did like it, you used to come home full of beans talking about it, Go on give it a go again. She switched to how will I get there so I told her they send bus and mum said I can't go on a bus. I said It's not a normal bus mum it's their own special bus that picks you up here. It's not a normal bus full of the public, it's only for those going to day centre. Mum said Oh, cos I wouldn't knwo where to go, so I told her there was someone who came to door for her, its usually that lovely lass on it who chats to her and Mum said Oh good. I joked she is like royalty being picked up right at her door and dropped at door at the other end and then same on way back. I said I'm off to the centre they send a vehicle for me you know, which made her laugh. She didn't say anything else after that so I've signed form to post in morning and will go over early wednesday morning and hope I can get her off ok. She really did enjoy it before and I hope things now things are different cos of virus restrictions that she still does.
Good luck with new carer, one you saw today really does sound like a positive thing.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,636
Yorkshire
Yes it is costly the day centre , I wouldn’t mind if she is enjoying it . That’s what we said we will just do the one day and have carer in a Thursday instead . The centre has sent a new contract that I refuse to sign as it says we can only cancel mums place If she dies , goes in to permanent care or serious illness :oops: They then sent another one amending it to say if they have a months notice we won’t have to pay if she is away due to a holiday . what about if there is a problem like we have had we still have to pay . I do understand they are a business and need to fill places but really it’s a bit dictorial for a day centre .
Goodness me thats tough. Peoples needs change without being something as drastic as dying or going into care or serious illness. There could be allsorts of reasons, including financial ones, peoples ability to join in or get any benefit from going may reduce, they may not be able to get there, allsorts really.
I get that they accept a person for a place there and may turn others away after that and if one person leaves they will lose out financially till someone else comes along wanting place, so maybe a notice period is acceptable but a month seems a lot and to not be able to cancel at all except for those big reasons is ridiculous. Under circumstances where its conflict with staff or other residents to blame for not going I don't think there should be any notice at all.
Mums just asks if not going for any reason to let them know so they don't send transport and know not to expect you and if you miss a few weeks they'll contact you to see if still want place before giving it to someone else but if want to stop going you just have to let them know. They even said if want to stop for a while and then start again later as long as got room and let them know they'll try best to accomodate.
Hope you can sort something so not stuck paying for full month x
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,651
South East
I can understand a month completely and I will give them months notice about Thursday but she won’t be going for the rest of the notice period . Will just stick to Mon, I do hope carer works out, she has text me this evening and seems ok, planning to start week after next . Husband is always doing jobs around house and garden on weekends so may get her to do the odd one just to get mum out , she said she is happy to come some evenings so we can go out for a meal once things are a bit more back to normal. Will mix it up a little , weekend , evening now and again . Wonder though if I might be a little daft to stick all my eggs in one basket with just one lady but I’m hoping to build a good relationship with her and she will be all we need . We will see . Yes great minds @Bikerbeth , @annielou , will use the money from day care to pay carer . Thanks @Starting on a journey , I did have a relaxing day really and I was all relaxed and ready to be super patient with mum and she went to bed ! Another day when I’m feeling a little wrung out she will be up til late , Sod’s law eh .
 

Just me

Registered User
Nov 17, 2013
335
I’m sure you’ve mentioned it @Woo2 but are you employing the carer or are they from an agency?
From what you say the lady you saw today seems ideal.
Hope it all goes ok x