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Goodbye and Hello

anxious annie

Registered User
Jan 2, 2019
502
Hi Woo2
I hope you manage to get another session at day care for when the "kinder" staff are on, it makes all the difference. Nobody likes being spoken to harshly, sounds like that person is in the wrong job.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,764
South East
I have just had a phone call to, the lovely lady is in Friday but they would have had to move several oriole around to accommodate us and it wasn’t necessary so she is going on a Thursday now , the manager of that day we met on Mums taster session and she is lovely too, she said let’s see how it goes for now and can change if it’s a problem . Can’t see it will be though .
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,764
South East
Hmm yes , it’s quite worrying, I am pleased she is moving on but the other younger member still there . Just because our LO’s have Dementia doesn’t mean they should t be treated with courtesy . Mum doesn’t talk much but she said “at my age I don’t need to be spoken to like that “ I brushed over it to mum but it did make me feels sad and angry on her behalf .
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,614
Bedford
After such a positive start last week it is sad that an incident like this might have made your Mum refuse to go again. I bet you are glad you went early and witnessed it for yourself. Pleased that the Monday lady is different so that will at least be ok.
Will you be able to get another day that the Monday lady is there. As you say you need it to be a positive and happy experience for your Mum and for her to enjoy it so you can relax and enjoy your break.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,764
South East
I’m sure she will be ok but I’m just going to be bright and breezy next Thursday , the lady who runs it , we have met once before and she was really nice so will be fine I’m sure . I had youngest with me too as we had taken pooch round the park first , she didn’t see it though as she was with the dog but she certainly saw how agitated her Nan was , anyway it’s done now and hopefully that’s the end of it . Mum is tired and a little grumpy this afternoon, not surprising going back after 4 months and I certainly expected it .
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,701
Yorkshire
Bit behind at reading other peoples threads, been so wrapped up in my own last few days but came back today to yours to see if you'd heard bout nother day for your mum at DC and glad to read you have. Hopefully as this manager sounds nice mum will have a better time and wednesdays incident will soon be forgotten as it be a shame if it puts her off going 🤞 🤗
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,764
South East
Hi @annielou , yes it’s all organised for Thursday , no club tom as they have plumbers in, so I will be more than happy to have a couple of hours off Thursday . Have found a company that acts as agents for carers , I messaged 2 ladies and are meeting them Thurs while mum out , have no idea really what I should ask , but am going to go on gut instinct and hopefully they might have some references , the agency does make sure they have Dbs and insurance and references so maybe I should ask to see all of those ?
Mum has a cold sore coming and pulled her lip down to show me and oh no :( Her lower teeth are really brown . I have been encouraging her to do her teeth but she obviously is only doing what I can see . Dad did take her to dentist but I haven’t taken her in 18 months as she has always had brilliant teeth , I do feel very guilty now and unsure how to proceed with helping her clean them .
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,701
Yorkshire
Shame about the plumbers but good got thursday sorted so your mum can still go one day this week and doesn't have to miss out.
Good luck with carers 🍀 I wouldn't know what to ask either but I'm sure you'll do good job and things will come out during conversation that help you decide. If they have them on them looking at references might give you an idea what others thought of them, maybe they'd have something in them about what they were good at and that might give an idea who would be more suited to your mum too. But if they're just genericy good reliable carer type ones maybe not. I wouldn't know what I was looking at with the DBS and insurance so I would have to trust agency on that if it was me so it's good they check that out themselves before referring you 🤔
Maybe you could ask them what type of people they have stayed with before and if any sounds like your mum then that carer may be well suited. If you think your mum responds to a certain type or way of doing things, and certain personalities then you could ask them about way they deal with things your mum does and also a bit about their personalities and see if you think they match with your mum. I'm sure your gut will help you, you seem to have a good instinct about things and a good head on your shoulders x
Mum isn't cleaning her teeth as much now either, Mums are plastic though. Another thing that gets neglected with dementia 😟 Mum used to soak them regularly in denture tablets and also brush them with toothpaste too, but I haven't bought any for weeks now as still has lots in cabinet so she's obviously forgetting to do them and I'm not sure how often she brushes them now either. Her bottom set have been rubbing her mouth lately as they are really old and wearing thin and sharp at the bottom, she keeps complaining she has a sore in her mouth and sometimes winces when eating. I suggested going for some new teeth lots of times but she won't so I've given up saying it much now. I suggested she takes the bottom set out on a night for a while and puts bonjella on to see if it will heal up a bit and stop it hurting as much but she doesn't. She no doubt forgets to do it, but I took her some bonjella over a while ago and she doesn't put it on even when I suggest it. I think she's done it twice when I've nagged her about it. Its been sat on top of fireplace since Thursday when I got it out of cupboard and gave her it to put on but she's not used it again. She has been moaning about them on and off for a few years but won't go to dentist for new ones. Mind you I don't like and don't go to dentist either. Sorry I've no helpful suggestions on how to help her clean them regularly but hope you can think of something. I think it's one of those awkward hard to answer dementia problems though like how to get people to wash regularly. 🤗
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,764
South East
Thanks @annielou . One of the carers has a Mum with Dementia who is in a home , so I am feeling drawn to her already , she is a more mature lady , the other one seems perfectly nice but a lot younger , we shall see . I am going to ring dentist and explain and see what they say , I could take her to the hygienist to clean them regularly . I feel I am neglecting her basic care , so maybe I need to get someone to come in and help her wash and dress each morning , it’s just that my family aren’t over keen on the idea of different people in the house every morning , the girls wander around in pj’s until late . I need to just pull myself together and do it , I think I am hesitating too much and being lily livered .
 
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annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,701
Yorkshire
Its not you neglecting it @Woo2 its your mums condition, it's just one of those dementia things. Hygienist may be good idea when they get back to working normally. I can understand not wanting different people in the house on a morning but if your mum needs help and you can arrange it it might not be as bad as they think. They'll be going back to education soon won't they so probably won't always be there to feel awkward, or If they're not early risers maybe you could try to get carer to come before they're likely to get up so they can avoid carer. Its a tricky balance for you between pleasing your family and also getting help your mum and you need isn't it. 🤗 I hope you find a way to do it 🤞
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,813
I think getting some extra help in now before it is essential sounds a good idea @Woo2 , as would be a visit to the hygienist. Maybe phone the dentist' s surgery and see which one is best at working with people with dementia. My mum has false teeth and got in right muddles with cleaning them. She also phoned the police once when she was at home to say they'd been stolen. According to mum the guy on the other end couldn't stop laughing, and said he was sorry but he didn't have the staff to come round to investigate. She found them shortly afterwards.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,764
South East
Thank you @annielou ,@Sarasa . I did ring the dentist late last year , and they didn’t seem that keen , I explained she wasn’t aggressive and that I would stay with her but they were not very forthcoming . May just have to try a different one and see how I get on. How does anyone just step in and take over their loved ones personal care ? Mum was fairly strict and has always had the glare , I have it too when really pushed , I just don’t know how to cross that line of being a daughter as well as a carer , she was ok when I went in bathroom while she showered, but when she went in again a few days later she locked me out . If I help her she says “yes mum” in that way of your being bossy , maybe I need to be a little softer in my approach and not so matter of fact . We did have a carer just before lockdown but she was here 2 hrs mid morning and can only do very limited hours as she has a baby so I am not going to have her back as it doesn’t help me at all .
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
506
@Woo2 I don't know how people do it. Because I live so far away I never got involved and Dad is now in care, and he's been gradually accepting more personal care. But I do think you should at least try to get the carers in, maybe early morning if they can. The family will adjust and it's better than you having no help and it'll help mum get used to it. If it doesn't work out, you can change it. Give it a few weeks at least though. The carer's not there to judge people wearing PJs, anyway, I'm sure they've seen far worse... 😆
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,764
South East
Fair point @imthedaughter , thanks . Think we will need to have a family chat about it this week , there will be 2 for it and 2 against I think :( They will be happier for me to do it , I’m not that comfortable with it but I know I should be, it’s not the actual mechanics it’s because it’s my mum , I always presumed I would be able to do it but really I am reticent .
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
506
Fair point @imthedaughter , thanks . Think we will need to have a family chat about it this week , there will be 2 for it and 2 against I think :( They will be happier for me to do it , I’m not that comfortable with it but I know I should be, it’s not the actual mechanics it’s because it’s my mum , I always presumed I would be able to do it but really I am reticent .
I think maybe it's one of those things which you don't know until you come to need to do it!
 

anxious annie

Registered User
Jan 2, 2019
502
Hi @Woo2
Ive just replied on a different thread to you re showering, but just wanted to say here about the dentist.
I transferred mum to a "community" dentist. They are for nervous patients/ children and pwd. The 2 ladies who see mum are both lovely with her. They also gave her some different toothpaste , specifically for those who aren't cleaning as well as they'd like.
I don't know if you have a community dentist locally, but can highly recommend them.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,614
Bedford
I hope the interviewing of the Carers goes well. Is this for support now or for when you are away (I seem to remember you saying about a holiday but I maybe mistaken). Maybe you could ask what type of activities they have been doing with other ‘clients’, how much experience with dementia and what stages. Ask them how they get dementia clients to clean their teeth? !! I think gut instinct can be good too. I think you will know if they will match well with your Mum and you/family as that is important too. I think you and hubby get priority on whether it happens or not though as the girls will not always be around to be wandering around in their p.j’s if you see what I mean.
As others have said I think it is a good time to bring some support in although there maybe a few initial hiccups.
I had never heard of community dentists either. Only comment I would add is that I have an appointment with my Hygenist and I was told that currently it is all manual work rather than the ‘power tools’ due to spray.
wishing you success with daycare, interviews and finding dentists this week
🤗
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,764
South East
Thank you @Bikerbeth , that’s really helpful :) Yes it’s for now , just an early introduction to build a relationship so we can hopefully go away next year , plus we have a wedding that has been postponed from next week to next year . I have seen a picture of both and I’m already drawn to one lady in particular but husband says I must see both as I may be surprised. decided I need to bite the bullet and just get on with helping mum shower and brush her teeth and not faff around and leave her to it for fear of upsetting her . It just has to be done so big girl pants on from today . I will enquire about the dentist . How are you doing ?