Good grief how much more can one take

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by 1954, Aug 15, 2015.

  1. 1954

    1954 Registered User

    Jan 3, 2013
    3,835
    Sidcup
    As most of you know my MIL lives with us. We're very very fortunate to get 12 weeks respite a year

    But now my mumiss definitely showing signs of dementia. A lot of the usual things ie not taking medicines (got dossett box for her now), forgetting the day, talking round in never ending loops

    My problem is that when I get stressed out ( most days) when I eat I not only feel sick ( I could easily vomit) but I get an horrendous 'concrete' lump in my upper stomach

    Again I have 2 siblings who not only do nothing but seem to actively work against all that I and my husband and hubby's siblings do nothing.

    Will not put MIL in care home and I have POA for my mum which states she wants to die in her home

    I know no one can do anything but I'm having nightmares and depressing days

    Sorry to moan and rant
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,850
    Kent
    There`s nothing anyone can say to make it better 1954 . Having elderly parents and inlaws , it happens.

    What can be done is some help for you. Please see your GP . There must be some way to help ease your extreme stress and anxiety.
     
  3. 1954

    1954 Registered User

    Jan 3, 2013
    3,835
    Sidcup
    Thank you for advice. I know I'm on my own but felt I had to share
     
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,850
    Kent
    Keep sharing. Who else but those of us on TP really understand.

    I had both parents and then my husband with dementia but thank goodness they were all at different times in my life. Even so I seem to have been caring for years.
     
  5. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    10,335
    Merseyside
    I echo what what Sylvia said. Please see your GP & get help with your stress.
     
  6. pony-mad

    pony-mad Registered User

    May 23, 2014
    1,073
    Mid-Wales
    I am so sorry. I know that feeling too. Your own life is being washed away as the need to care completely takes over. After 12 years of caring, parents with Parkinson's and a stroke (they have both gone now but we're cared for in their home) and OH with Alzheimer's, I have decided that I will be pushing for the CH route. Yesterday I realised how depressed I was. Sorry that this post has become all about me!!!! But your situation struck a massive chord and I felt the need to share.
    I hope you find the answer and that you manage to have a life too!!!
    Good luck


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  7. jeany123

    jeany123 Registered User

    Mar 24, 2012
    19,036
    Durham
    #7 jeany123, Aug 15, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 15, 2015
    1954 I felt the same as you looking after my husband, I felt sick had heartburn every night when I went to bed, was worried and stressed all the time and I know what you mean about the concrete lump in your stomach, I was crying all the time,

    I got so bad my family and the SW thought I was going to have a breakdown and Allen went for respite for a week, I saw the GP and he put me on antidepressants for a 3 month course , I have never wanted to take them but things couldn't have got much worse so I thought it was worth a try, our life has changed completely I am longer so stressed no longer get heartburn and I just let things that upset me before go over the top of me, I can sort out what to worry about and what not to,

    He also gave me a number for a counciling service but I have never needed it, of course things aren't easy but I am handling it so much better, like others on here have said go and see your GP I hope he can help,

    Best wishes, Jeany xx
     
  8. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,850
    Kent
    I`m so pleased to read your post Jeany. :)

    Anti depressants are a `no no`to many, but I think it goes back to the old days when people became addicted to Valium and some doctors prescribed them relatively freely.

    Now there seems to be much better medication prescribed and monitored carefully.
     
  9. 1954

    1954 Registered User

    Jan 3, 2013
    3,835
    Sidcup
    I am on antidepressants but I think I will make a GP appointment to if I can go anything stronger x
     
  10. balloo

    balloo Registered User

    Sep 21, 2013
    227
    northamptonshire
    not sure they are montored any better my mother was on them for 20plus years after my father died suddenly at 52 .she was also on sleeping tablets that we found should of been given for 2-3 weeks max were given again for 20 plus years
     
  11. Boldredrosie

    Boldredrosie Registered User

    Mar 13, 2012
    244
    Your quite reasonable stress is manifesting itself physically and while getting rid of the stress will resolve what sounds like oesophagitis to me that is perhaps something you won't be able to do so easily. So please go to the GP, talking about this difficulty eating and ask about something for your concrete lump. Perhaps tackle the things you can control yourself -- eating -- so you can face the bigger things with more courage and less heartburn
     
  12. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    22,498
    Female
    Near Southampton
    O dear, that lump in the stomach is so very familiar alongside the sudden thump in the solarplexus. You are obviously feeling very stressed. I hope the GP will be able to help you but getting help from your siblings would of course be helpful. I do hope they start to realise what's happening with your mother soon and start to support you.
    I know you had problems getting support from your in-laws for your MIL for some time but I hope that improved.

    It is stress that Valium was prescribed for rather more than Depression as it calmed everything down - or was supposed to. I was on them for some time in the '70s as GPs seemed to think that if you suffered from frequent headaches, you were automatically stressed. I decided to stop taking them myself against the Dr's wishes as they had no effect on my heads and just made me slower in doing all the things I still had to do - which of course made me more stressed!

    You do have to be careful with anti-depressives but, as Jeany can demonstrate, they can also help enormously. With your experience, you already know this of course.
    I do hope you manage to find something to help you cope but more imortantly for the long-term, I hope your family realise they have to rally round and do more. xxx
     
  13. 1954

    1954 Registered User

    Jan 3, 2013
    3,835
    Sidcup
    Saffie

    My in laws are still doing nothing to I help me. Nothing has changed there. Their help would be to immediately put their mum into a care home and then never see her again.

    My siblings are at least talking to me and have been pleasant. I have had nastiness from them all my life so to protect myself have to have no contact with them which has not been a problem as they have never contacted me. It was always been me that has tried to 'make'them be a family. But I have warned them one bit of nastiness and they will never hear from me again. Having said that they do nothing to help me or my mum. All they want is to be kept up to date with our mums gradual dying

    I got up so early because as seems to be the latest developments the hard concrete ball is developing in my stomach and stupidly I feel on verge of tears

    And like everyone else in my situation my mum seems perfectly 'normal' to others as she 'rises' to the occasion when others meet her........

    Sorry if I'm repeating myself but my mum has CKD stage 4 and her appetite virtually gone, is a bag of bones, has now developed ureamic puritis so all her skin is dry and horrendously itchy so I have to rub cream in. She has spasmodic kidney pain

    My mum doesn't know she has CKD because she has never wanted to know of any health issues. She always takes her hearing aid out at the Gp's and tells him and me 'I don't want to know anything . She just wants to hear that everything is ok
     
  14. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    22,498
    Female
    Near Southampton
    #14 Saffie, Aug 16, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2015
    I'm sorry things haven't improved with your in-laws. I'd hoped they had.
    No wonder you are feeling as you are what with having sole responsibility for your mother too.
    My husband had stage 4 CKD too and his skin was very fragile. I wasn't aware of any pain from his kidneys but he had a patch for so much other pain and was unable to express what he felt anyway. So we wouldn't have known.

    At least where your mother is concerned, you have LPA so some of the problems you've experienced with your MIL will be avoided. The clause about dying in her own home could be difficult though. I didn't realise such things could be included. I won't be including that in mine as it could be impossible to keep.

    I hope you can get something to help you cope tomorrow
     
  15. 1954

    1954 Registered User

    Jan 3, 2013
    3,835
    Sidcup
    I have spent the day crying and sleeping after attending to my mum. MIL comes home Tuesday
     
  16. patsy56

    patsy56 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    839
    Fife Scotland
    just wanted to give a hugg
     
  17. chris53

    chris53 Registered User

    Nov 9, 2009
    2,929
    London
    Hi 1954, crying and sleeping is a way of healing your body and mind with the on going day to day stress of trying to help,care and live in the world of dementia- my mum when well was always going on how dreadful that dementia invaded their sons/daughters/partners lives, little did she know that she would go down that road, it is a feeling of a sinking stomach when dementia hits you..first it was with my mum, my husband was so supportive and indeed my mum in law was..6 months on then she developed vascular dementia:eek: can only say on this hard journey to try and be "you" if only for a few minutes a day, so pleased you have had help by your GP,alas we always end up neglecting ourselves.
    Sending a big hug and take care x
    Chris
     
  18. 1954

    1954 Registered User

    Jan 3, 2013
    3,835
    Sidcup
    Thank you x
     
  19. 1954

    1954 Registered User

    Jan 3, 2013
    3,835
    Sidcup
    Got an appointment with GP this morning. When I explained my daily routine she looked visibly shocked

    Started on high dose of citalopram today and going back to GP in two weeks time. I've told SIL who said 'just say the word and she'll go into a care home'

    I do hope I feel a bit on these medicines
     
  20. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,900
    Female
    Dundee
    I hope your appointment goes well. Perhaps your SIL has a point. Maybe it's time to think of alternatives. Thinking of you. x
     

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