1. snuffyuk

    snuffyuk Registered User

    Jul 8, 2004
    188
    Near Bristol
    Not sure if I should be posting here as no longer a carer.

    Anyway, since mum died I have mostly sort of good days. Then for no reason really bad days with tears. Tonight the tears were bursting out uncontrollably and was so relieved both my sons were out. (aged 15 & 19)

    Ijust keep thinking of my mum in a home where she should not have been and how she hated it and how she died on her own and I should have been with her when she died.

    I told mum it would be for 2 weeks but I left her there for 4 weeks.

    bye and thanks for reading
     
  2. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi Snuffy

    please continue to post here for as long as you feel you want to!

    While things are raw at present, they will become less so over time, but in any case, you will always have the remembrance of the past times of active caring. As such, and only if you feel you want to, you can share those experiences with others who are just embarking on the same journey.

    Being a carer is a bit like being a cyclist: once you have done it, it never leaves you. While not everyone is a carer, once you have been one, you don't stop being a carer.

    I hope those mostly good days will gradually take over such that you don't get the bad ones any more, or at least to the same extent.

    Try not to dwell on what might have been or what should not have been - it is all over now, and you can't change it. Just start to remember how things were before the illness took over; remember the happy times.

    Best wishes
     
  3. Nutty Nan

    Nutty Nan Registered User

    Nov 2, 2003
    787
    Buckinghamshire
    Snuffy, I think it's time for a group hug: just imagine 1000+ pairs of arms around you - I hope that will make you feel just a little bit better and conjure up a smile!
    You did the best you could, and I am sure your Mum was well aware of your loving care. I hope the happy memories will soon drive the tears away. Every now and again it helps to let them flow (they are supposed to cleanse your soul).
    Best wishes!
     
  4. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    3,433
    Suffolk,England
    You did everything you could

    Snuffy,
    What you are experiencing is GRIEF. Sorry if that sounds cold & obvious, but let me explain. If this is the 1st time you've suffered the bereavement of someone close you may not realise it, but guilt (usually irrational guilt) is part & parcel of the whole awful emotional state, along with anger and "it's not fair" feelings. Commonly, it takes at LEAST a year to work through all the anniversaries (Xmas, Mother's Day, Birthdays etc.) which you're meeting for the first time without her. Often it's longer than that, but it does get less intense eventually.

    I lost my father to cancer many years ago, but we all (mother, myself & brother) had such awful guilt feelings, even thought we had done our best to make his last year as comfortable & loved as possible, given the circumstances.

    Snuffy, I'm glad you're crying. It's a healthy expression of your grief & sorrow, and suppressing those feelings is a bad thing. They'll come back & bite you years later, and then you might not even realise what's going on unless you have a very perceptive doctor to guide you out of the resultant depression. I'm not sure that hiding your grief from your sons is a good thing either, perhaps THEY need a good cry too - even teenage boys have feelings! Kids are often 'close' to grandparents in a different way - but no less deep - from the child/parent bond. Don't be afraid to have a good howl on their shoulders, at least they can feel they are helping you through this awful time, even if they don't let themselves go.

    I'm so sorry you've lost your Mum, and to do so in such a short time increases the shock factor; a longer illness does in some ways prepare you for what is going to happen (having said that, it doesn't actually lessen the grief at all!)

    Your Mum wouldn't want you to feel this way, I'm sure you know that, and she would not blame you for taking the decisions which had to be taken to ensure she was in a safe place.

    Hugs
    Lynne
     
  5. snuffyuk

    snuffyuk Registered User

    Jul 8, 2004
    188
    Near Bristol
    Thanks again for all replys.

    I dont really think that my mum is worrying about me now. She is well out of this horrible world and probably where she is, is the place to be.
    snuffy
     
  6. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Dear Snuffy, I know those feelings too, it's now 11 months since I lost my Mum, but I am still on a roller coaster when it comes to my feelings and ability to cope with her loss, love and hugs, She. XX
     

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