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Good day, bad day, how to cope

Chris100

Registered User
Nov 19, 2021
52
0
I read that you should see the person you know as being subjected to an illness which is not of their making.
Does this make it easier, day to day?
 

fromnz123

Registered User
Aug 2, 2019
103
0
UK
Yep , I’ve been told that, but makes it no easier dealing with with behaviours day to day !
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
11,304
0
Yorkshire
I think it depends on you ... whatever helps you to cope with day to day caring
a friend told me that it helped her to have seen her mum's brain scan which clearly showed some damage ... that way she knew that some of the behaviours her mum exhibited were because of the damage and not her mum being wilfully awkward, which helped her accept and deal with them
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
4,179
0
I felt it made it a bit easier, as before that I was often wondering if the problems I was having with my mum were down to me not handling various situations in the best way. It made me realise my mum's volatile moods etc were part of her illness, not something I'd done.
I don't know if you would find this thread useful Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired. I found it very tricky to use, but things did go better with my mum if I used some of the techniques. Don't beat yourself up if it doesn't always work.
 

JaxG

Registered User
May 15, 2021
93
0
I think it depends on the behaviours. My husband's behaviour has been getting increasingly challenging over the last few years. I don't react and have tried to remember he is ill. However now he has become extremely verbally aggressive and has been physically abusive and I just can't make those allowances any more. He is a stranger, he can be charming to others but fortunately SS have witnessed his behaviour and are supporting me. Some things are just unforgiveable no matter what the cause.
 

rambler123

Registered User
Apr 29, 2015
8
0
Hi I too am struggling knowing how to cope with my husband on a day to day
basis. I’m sick and tired of constantly being told / shouted at to “Stop Nagging”.
This is in response to trying to remind him to do things eg put toothpaste on the toothbrush, wear your hearing aids etc. He wants to disagree/ argue all the time
at the moment and I’m finding it hard not to retaliate and react. There’s no
empathy there at all. He has no idea or appreciation of what I do and I really do feel that I’m an unpaid career and not a wife anymore. I’m getting very resentful as
every single thing is about him . By that I don’t mean that he’s self centred or selfish I mean that everything I do has to factor him into it at all times. I have looked at the Compassionate Communication piece and whilst it sounds great on
paper im not comfortable with it. I’d either have to be a robot or a saint to put it
into action but i am going to try it in small bite size bits because I have to do
something to improve my relationship for my own sake and my own sanity.
I am sorry to rant and sound very negative and it has helped me tonight reading some of the other threads.
 

Thethirdmrsc

Registered User
Apr 4, 2018
563
0
It’s very hard @rambler123 your life becomes a tiny pinprick whilst everything revolves around him, and I just couldn’t do it. It’s not easy by any stretch.
 

Chris100

Registered User
Nov 19, 2021
52
0
I think it depends on the behaviours. My husband's behaviour has been getting increasingly challenging over the last few years. I don't react and have tried to remember he is ill. However now he has become extremely verbally aggressive and has been physically abusive and I just can't make those allowances any more. He is a stranger, he can be charming to others but fortunately SS have witnessed his behaviour and are supporting me. Some things are just unforgiveable no matter what the cause.
Thank you
 

Chris100

Registered User
Nov 19, 2021
52
0
I think it depends on the behaviours. My husband's behaviour has been getting increasingly challenging over the last few years. I don't react and have tried to remember he is ill. However now he has become extremely verbally aggressive and has been physically abusive and I just can't make those allowances any more. He is a stranger, he can be charming to others but fortunately SS have witnessed his behaviour and are supporting me. Some things are just unforgiveable no matter what the cause.
I really feel for you. It must be so hard.
Where do you turn?
 

Chris100

Registered User
Nov 19, 2021
52
0
Hi I too am struggling knowing how to cope with my husband on a day to day
basis. I’m sick and tired of constantly being told / shouted at to “Stop Nagging”.
This is in response to trying to remind him to do things eg put toothpaste on the toothbrush, wear your hearing aids etc. He wants to disagree/ argue all the time
at the moment and I’m finding it hard not to retaliate and react. There’s no
empathy there at all. He has no idea or appreciation of what I do and I really do feel that I’m an unpaid career and not a wife anymore. I’m getting very resentful as
every single thing is about him . By that I don’t mean that he’s self centred or selfish I mean that everything I do has to factor him into it at all times. I have looked at the Compassionate Communication piece and whilst it sounds great on
paper im not comfortable with it. I’d either have to be a robot or a saint to put it
into action but i am going to try it in small bite size bits because I have to do
something to improve my relationship for my own sake and my own sanity.
I am sorry to rant and sound very negative and it has helped me tonight reading some of the other threads.
I sympathise. It must be so hard. How do you cope?
 

rambler123

Registered User
Apr 29, 2015
8
0
Hi Chris sorry but just very new to posting and I perhaps should have started a
new thread I don’t know. However, to respond to your initial post instead of my
bit of a rant (I felt better after it!) one of the key things for me in dealing with this
illness is taking it one day at a time. If I don’t do that I can start to become overwhelmed and negative. Last night being a good example. Also I am trying not
to not take things personally although I find this really hard as my natural instinct is to “fight back” and protect myself. I don’t find it easy at all thinking that ALL my
husbands behaviour is because of his illness because I see past behaviours if that makes sense? They were unacceptable when he was dementia free and to me they‘re still unacceptable (eg telling me to F off) now. To me he knows exactly what he’s doing and saying. He still knows what “buttons” to press. My Doctor told me
two things last Xmas when we had a rough time 1. You’re not Superwoman
2. Choose your battles very carefully. ( there have been occasions of physical
violence towards me). It’s a shame I don’t seem to recall these two pieces of advise when it really matter‘s!
 

Chris100

Registered User
Nov 19, 2021
52
0
Hi Chris sorry but just very new to posting and I perhaps should have started a
new thread I don’t know. However, to respond to your initial post instead of my
bit of a rant (I felt better after it!) one of the key things for me in dealing with this
illness is taking it one day at a time. If I don’t do that I can start to become overwhelmed and negative. Last night being a good example. Also I am trying not
to not take things personally although I find this really hard as my natural instinct is to “fight back” and protect myself. I don’t find it easy at all thinking that ALL my
husbands behaviour is because of his illness because I see past behaviours if that makes sense? They were unacceptable when he was dementia free and to me they‘re still unacceptable (eg telling me to F off) now. To me he knows exactly what he’s doing and saying. He still knows what “buttons” to press. My Doctor told me
two things last Xmas when we had a rough time 1. You’re not Superwoman
2. Choose your battles very carefully. ( there have been occasions of physical
violence towards me). It’s a shame I don’t seem to recall these two pieces of advise when it really matter‘s!
Wow. Swearing and violence. I feel really sorry for you. That must be scary.
 

JaxG

Registered User
May 15, 2021
93
0
I really feel for you. It must be so hard.
Where do you turn?
My kids are supportive and Social Services have been great. I spend as much time as possible in my bedroom or going out alone. Since Social Services have stressed that I must start looking after myself I finally feel free of the guilt and am going to start being more selfish. OH thinks of no one but himself, I am run ragged and there really is no point to a life like this.
 

JaxG

Registered User
May 15, 2021
93
0
Hi I too am struggling knowing how to cope with my husband on a day to day
basis. I’m sick and tired of constantly being told / shouted at to “Stop Nagging”.
This is in response to trying to remind him to do things eg put toothpaste on the toothbrush, wear your hearing aids etc. He wants to disagree/ argue all the time
at the moment and I’m finding it hard not to retaliate and react. There’s no
empathy there at all. He has no idea or appreciation of what I do and I really do feel that I’m an unpaid career and not a wife anymore. I’m getting very resentful as
every single thing is about him . By that I don’t mean that he’s self centred or selfish I mean that everything I do has to factor him into it at all times. I have looked at the Compassionate Communication piece and whilst it sounds great on
paper im not comfortable with it. I’d either have to be a robot or a saint to put it
into action but i am going to try it in small bite size bits because I have to do
something to improve my relationship for my own sake and my own sanity.
I am sorry to rant and sound very negative and it has helped me tonight reading some of the other threads.
I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I know how you feel, it is so hard to live like this. I don't mind the day to day care, just the day to day abuse. OH gets aggressive and tells me I am controlling ... because he can do nothing for himself so yes, I am. It's an impossible situation.
 

rambler123

Registered User
Apr 29, 2015
8
0
I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I know how you feel, it is so hard to live like this. I don't mind the day to day care, just the day to day abuse. OH gets aggressive and tells me I am controlling ... because he can do nothing for himself so yes, I am. It's an impossible situation.
Its so good to know I’m not the only person in this position. Sometimes it has felt as if I’m the only person on the planet in this situation. Please please look after yourself. It’s a bit corny but You Are Worth It!! You are a person in your own right with needs and you are just as important as anybody else. I have to remind myself of this a lot and give myself a bit of a talking to!
 

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