Gold fish with short memories &....

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Michael E, Dec 22, 2006.

  1. Michael E

    Michael E Registered User

    Apr 14, 2005
    Ronda Spain
    #1 Michael E, Dec 22, 2006
    Last edited: Dec 22, 2006
    Most of us have heard the joke about the goldfish in a tank with a really beautiful model castle and it keeps swimming by it ............. etc.

    A friend (Santa's little helper) got me a load or little presents for Monique for Christmas. I wrapped them up and have put them all under the tree which ,the carer Astrid decorated (with I suspect zero help from Monique), a few days ago, whilst I was 'out'....

    Yesterday for the first time I pointed out to Monique the 'sock' and all the presents falling out of it... lovely she said. Today, I have at regular intervals pointed out the sock and presents and every time, she has expressed surprise and delight. I now know that if I show her the presents beneath the tree at 10 minute intervals she will express surprise, pleasure and delight.. been doing it all evening... Sort of brings it all home doesn't it? Actually not that funny a joke..

    Recent days have also been 'active' with phone calls from my two children.. I decided the time had come to 'register' the POA and sent of the completed form together with sending the kids the 'informing' papers, so they can object if they want.... Fascinating - phone calls - could it be a good idea to create a trust fund for Monique? - should we all discuss it? - We need to protect Monique financially...

    Interesting............. A couple of visits in the last 3 years. Some phone calls, very busy people... Important jobs... so much to do so little time.......

    In France there is a law (as I understand it) that says 'family' are responsible for members of the family who are ill....... basically it means I am legally obliged to look after Monique (but I am a Brit and could do a runner!) My Kids are then equally responsible (but cannot be touched in the UK) and following that her brother who is French... He is of course very nervous as if I just took the dosh and went he would have to (pay) to look after Monique.......

    My kids are now afraid that if I put Monique into a home one day in the near or distant future I might find myself a 'bimbo' and they would then loose their inheritance...

    The way I feel at the moment (after a little wine and more whiskey) is that they should all be very very afraid!!! Hardly a word or any real help till the cashpoint 'twinkles'... Love and casting bread on water seems to be conditioned by the value of the £.

    Sorry about all that above at Christmas but I sort of needed to get it off my chest..

    ~Got a turkey but ...........

    Love to you all


    PS Just re-read the above and it looks a little paranoid.. Probably I am - you can cope most of the time but sometimes it gets to you - well its getting to me a bit this Christmas.. Still there is a new year blooming!
  2. Lucille

    Lucille Registered User

    Sep 10, 2005
    :) Hi Michael

    I don't think you're paranoid! It is amazing how the ££ seem to have an effect on people - bit like the child catcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang with his goodies!

    The issue of help (or lack of it) seems to be a continuing subject of discussion on TP. I count myself amongst those who have sat and stewed and stewed at the injustice, whilst others swan in and out - at their convenience offering nuggets of, well, nothing actually! Not gold that's for sure. And the advice is often misplaced. As we know, trying to understand dementia and everything that goes with caring for someone suffering from it, is like trying to nail a jelly to a wall.

    From your posts I know that you've had some 'trying' times with Monique; something that others would not want to hear about, let alone deal with at first hand. You do what is best for Monique. Meantime, let them be afraid, very afraid:)

    Enjoy your wine and whiskey, hey, go stuff the turkey! Chin up me old mucker.

    Merry Christmas.
  3. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland

    If you're paranoid, can I join?

    I manage most of the year without support from the family (all sons, unfortunately, and sooooo busy with jobs, parties, in-laws etc).

    But come Christmas and all my independence disappears (as do they!). I just feel so lonely and depressed.

    Every year we've written a large cheque for each of them, but this year I decided to get stroppy and just gave them a small present each.

    Amazing effect! Suddenly I got flowers from one, a hamper from another (ordered over the internet of course, no time to shop!)

    I'm longing to see if the new interest will last till next Christmas.

    Mine have very good reason to be afraid. Three of the four are John's not mine, although they've always been treated equally, so they know quite well that unless I fall under a bus in the near future, their inheritance is in my hands.

  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Doesn`t money rear it`s ugly head? Whether it`s Alzheimer sufferers clinging to it or children guarding it, it brings out the worst.

    This time of year is so testing. All around us, people are planning, preparing, making arrangements, for family gatherings, parties, fun, laughter. More than ever, it makes us realize what we are missing out on. Isolated we are, but at times like Christmas, the isolation is highlighted.

    During the year, our children lead busy demanding lives. They work hard, have family responsibilities and we don`t want to be a burden. So we excuse their absence. We know they will come if we need them. At holiday time, they have time for outings, parties and gatherings with friends and other family members. Where do we fit in? We don`t. We just have to get on with our spouses, partners and parents [if we`ve taken them on] and grin and bear it.

    It`s not surprising we feel paranoid. What a shame we don`t all live near each other. Then we could have an enormous, fantastic party for ourselves. We`d spend all the money and NOBODY would be left out.
  5. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland

    What a great idea! I'd been wondering what to do with the money I didn't send. Afraid I might weaken and send it after all. But the party is a much better idea.

  6. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    Birmingham Hades
    I do agree with Micheal and all about the lack of support.
    Keep your plans to yourselves remember"Yor kids are the ones who will put you in a home"

  7. abby

    abby Registered User

    Dec 19, 2006
    West Country
    Lol....;) On their money maybe, not mine.........I intend to live long enough to spend their inheiritance for them......
  8. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    I thought it was the social workers?

    It was very clear that whatever my brother or I said or did it was the social worker who was going to decide.


  9. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    Newport, Gwent
    Oh Michael, maybe it was very inappropriate of me, but I have to say your post brought a real smile to my face, especially the bit about finding a 'bimbo' and spending the kids inheritance... I think if I were you I would also drop it into the conversation that 'have you seen there are loads of dating agencys on the internet', now that could cause real panic!!

    Hope you and Monique have the best Christmas you can, wine and whiskey sounds like a very good plan.

  10. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Hey come on you lot, there are a lot of us 'kids' out here who do our damnedest to try and support our parents - help them live their lives to the fullest; who would happily have them spend every penny of the inheritance if it made them happy. But money cannot make them happy as you all well know.
    We are not all self-centred and money grabbing!
    Come on, let's get those turkeys stuffed, and raise a glass. This Christmas might not be the one we would have hoped for or dreamed of, but it is what we have got - and I know, in my life, despite various pains and heartaches, there is still much to feel thankful for.
    Wishing you all a peaceful Christmas.
    Love Helen
  11. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    Must say I agree with Helen........I spent years telling my mum and dad to spend spend spend!!!! but they always wanted to see us kids "right"!!!!
    I've always been there for them.....and never expected or wanted any financial gain in return.......
    I have found though that since my dad dutiful cousin was interested to see what was in dads will.......when I told him it was all left to mum/us/grandkids......I haven't seen him since:eek: :eek: :eek:

    Christmas is going to be different for all of us.....I'll be at the hospital in the afternoon visiting mum ...and back to my brood for a late dinner.......
    For once I am thankful that mum doesn't realise it is Christmas.....if she did it would be heartbreaking for all of us to know she was in hospital and can't spend it with us

    love xx
  12. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Well thanks a bunch, you 'kids'.

    We support you through all your traumas and sufferings with demanding and ungrateful parents, but when we dare to express our loneliness and feelings of neglect, we are criticised.

    Is TP a wrinkly-free zone now?
  13. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    #13 Amy, Dec 23, 2006
    Last edited: Dec 23, 2006
    Sorry Skye,
    No criticism was ever intended - I am sorry that Christmas heightens your feelings of loneliness and neglect - it is such a difficult time.
    TP is here for all of us.
    Love Helen
  14. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    Hello hazel
    I seem to be following Helen around today!!

    I did not mean to upset you.....for that I'm really sorry....

    I suppose in my own little world I find it so hard to understand that there are so many ungrateful kids out there.....for the love and support my late father and my mum gave me over the years i will always be grateful and I have always done whatever I can for them in seems perfectly natural to me
    Love xx
  15. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    From your Goldfish fans.....

    Dear Michael..... last time we touched on (real) goldfish it was you guiding me to that fairy castle for them..... .. and, wow, how my little 'fun-fair' fish and his mate have enjoyed that ... they now have a little 'Rudolph' peering over their tank ... just so's they don't feel left out at Christmas......:eek:

    Sorry if I am digressing from more serious matters raised on this thread, but just saw this as a good opportunity to wish you and Monique the best Christmas you can both enjoy..... and to send thanks for all you have taught me here - not to mention your concern for Trifle and Custard's welfare..... :D

    Have never, ever known Christmas to 'pack such a punch' ..... my philosophy just now: "Only three days 'til it's over .... bring on the New Year ......"

    Might try a glass of the 'old malt' myself to toast whatever the future holds.....;)

    Love, Karen, x
  16. Michael E

    Michael E Registered User

    Apr 14, 2005
    Ronda Spain
    Hey guys as always there was a little smile around my somewhat sozzled face when I posted about 'gold' fish last night... There are stacks of really caring kids on this forum - kids??? Not sure that is quite the right word but out there are some people who have put in their time for their parents... Good on them!

    There is something I have noticed that in every family or AD situation there seems to be one person who actually does the work. It can be a spouse, daughter, son or an in-law but there seldom seems to be a 'team' effort... Mind you with the way English cricket teams play AD sufferers should be grateful that there is not much in the way of 'team effort'.........

    If you are the one doing the looking after bit I think it can be amusing to see and hear the 'concern' financial and otherwise of the onlookers - the cheering crowd who offer platitudes and good advice.. and keep a good serious eye on the purse strings... The only problem is 'who watches the watchers'?

    I get the feeling for lots of us this Christmas is special... well different... well a bit of a pain in the ... I am doing the turkey bit for I suspect the last time.. Pretty sure there is no point but its worth a go... like Trifle and Custard I will wheel Monique past the tree pointing out the pressies at 10 minute intervals whilst she is awake enough... Look forward to seeing how the 'opening' goes - before or after the Turkey - life is full of challenging questions these days..

    Have a good one guys -

    Make sure they keep taking the tablets


  17. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    #17 Margarita, Dec 23, 2006
    Last edited: Dec 23, 2006

    Who knows how many more Christmas days your have at home with Monique, make it feel like your first or your last Christmas day together. Take photo to hold those memories in the future, Shall join you , think of you on Christmas day with a brandy mix with baileys yum yum , to smooth that emotional pain away of how it use to be feeling

    . Life to short to worry about money you can’t take it with you , when your dead and we are long dead that for sure , you can’t spend it there , just forward plan now and if you feel resentment towards the kids , give it all to the AZ society (joke )

    Attitude of family members over money will always be there , good for you and them having the courage to express what your all feeling, at lest you know where you stand with them and them with you , not manipulating controling .

    you could be seeing what they say as a negative , because your feeling so much sadness of your own with your wife, I know its easy for me to say , but said it
  18. angela.robinson

    angela.robinson Registered User

    Dec 27, 2004
    Sure Theres Good Kids And Bad Kids Out There, Same Goes For Relatives . We Know That By The Posts We Read Here,dont Mean To Boast .......well I Do Really ,but I Am So Proad Of My Kids Who Were There Every Step Of The Way For Their Dad , The Same Goes For My Sisters ,one In Particular Who Sat With Me For 10 Whole Days And Nights When My Husband Was Dying In The Hospital Niether Of Us Left Once,she Still Picks Me Up To Take Me Shopping Every Weekend 18 Months Later .and I Would Give A Medal To The Children Who Post Here For The Way They Care For There Parents ,even If They Have To Let Off Steam Now And Again , They Are All Amazing Trying To Juggle With Thier Own Lives And Thier Childrens.sadly Not Everyone Has Familys Like This .
  19. Blue_Gremlin

    Blue_Gremlin Registered User

    Mar 15, 2006
    Morecambe, UK
    This is so true. My mum told me the other day that she is really proud of the way I have been handling the 'situation' with gav's nana, Jean. I have to admit to being a little surprised because it never even crossed my mind not to do what I have been doing. Gav is my husband, my best friend, my other half and this was as much my fight (to get Jean happy and comfortable and safe) as it was his. I can't even comprehend being one of those kids how is only out for themselves and sod everyone else - especially the one with dementia. Gav and I have been a team in all this but I know we really only count as one.

    Looking back now that Jean is settled and safe and happy in the residential home I can see just how unhelpful those 'helpful' relatives were. The 'she needs to be in a home' brigade. If it had been down to them she would have been sectioned years ago. And for that reason I am proud to have done all I have to keep her at home and then to have been part of the process of moving her to safety.

    I am proud of all those who are still caring for their sufferers and I am secure in the knowledge that I was there to help gav make the right choices for Jean.

    We will have the first 'settled' christmas in years and we are happy knowing that Jean is well looked after - as are all your sufferers because each and everyone of you care enough to be on here to help you cope enough to do your best for them.

    I am proud of each and everyone of you.

    Merry Christmas one and all


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