1. panda

    panda Registered User

    Apr 16, 2006
    88
    Surrey
    Hi every one I have not been on the site for awhile because I have bee under so much pressure with Mum. I was told when putting her into te home just to say is was for a few weeks and she wuld soon settle and forget. Well she diddnt, every visit has been absolutley awful she has been so abusive o me and my children wanting to knowwhen she can go home and on occasion demanding I take her. She escaped once andlocked her self in and only withthe help of a kind policeman did I manage to get her back to the home. She starts phoning meas soon as I get in from work and if I do not answer she will continue to ring and leave messages, or get the evening staff (who do not seem to be as on the ball as the day staff )that if I do not talk to my mum she will not settle. In the mean time I have had to put her house on the market to finance the home. Also try to clear the thirty pluss years of rubbish that has been collected. Mum escapd again last week went home again let her self in (the home had told me they had got the key off her) and discovered what was going on. She then left the house and got lost luckly she had her address book and a kind lady who found her roaming phoned my son or directions to take her back. I was then told by the new manager that mum had gone over the fence (quite funny )and that I should never been put in this position of having to lie. I have kept away this weekend because it has al made me so ill. I did go to the house to clear more rubbish only to find a vey nasty message she left in the dining room for me. All of my aunts and uncles have tried to tell her how I have nearly killed my self trying to keep her at home but in the end she was just to ill for me to manage, but she talks about me a if I was something nasty on her shoe. I feel so low now I am not looking after my own family and have decided to go to doctor for help. Sorry to rant but I needed to get it out
     
  2. Nebiroth

    Nebiroth Registered User

    Aug 20, 2006
    3,511
    This sounds absolutely awful!

    What sort of home is your mum in? In sounds as though she needs to be in an EMI (Elderly Mentally Infirm), and somewhere escape proof! I know that some of homes have a special floor or area which is more secure, so that you have to have a PIN number to unlock the doors. Surely mum would be counted at severe risk to her own safety if she is wandering the streets having escaped from the home. Plus if mums home is for sale then what happens when someone else owns it and she comes knocking and saying it's hers?

    It sounds cold to say this, but if visiting mum is so dreadful, then perhaps it would be better if you did not visit for a while, or at least cut the frequency of your visits down. Perhaps she will settle more if she does not see you so often. It's no use if you are going to wreck your own health plus you have your own family to consider too.

    If mum keeps phoning you then you should consider having the number changed or getting an answering machine. At least have caller ID so that if you know it is mum then you know not to answer.

    I think you're doing the right thing in seeing your GP because your own health and wellbeing is at risk.

    It's hard I know but you do have to consider yourself and your own family and sometimes must put yourself first .
     
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,850
    Kent
    Dear Panda, your mother is in a home because her behaviour is unmanageable.

    If she is abusive to you when you visit, then leave .

    You have done your best, we know it is not her, it is the condition, but that also means she has no control, and is closed to reason. Let the home take the responsibility.

    See the doctor, get yourself well and look after your family.

    Love xx
     
  4. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,138
    Toronto, Canada
    Dear Panda,
    I fervently agree with Nebiroth and Sylvia. You really need a break. Take at least one week, if not two. Tell the evening staff you are not well and you will NOT be taking your mother's calls.

    I'm glad you are seeing a doctor as you sound in desperate need of a rest.
     
  5. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Panda

    You have done your absolute best, now its time to take a back seat.

    Tell mum and the home you are going away on holiday for two weeks, and therefore are not at all contactable. If you can leave a number of another family member to contact in an emergency, then do so. Get yourself a telephone which displays the callers number, and just dont answer it if its mum or the NH.

    Give yourself a break, you have now handed over mum’s care to the NH, let them do their job.

    Once you return from your ‘virtual’ holiday, and recommence visiting mum, if she plays up, then give her a kiss on the cheek, and leave. It took me a very long time to get to this point, and months and months of visits to a psychiatrist, I’m still taking antidepressants. I have learnt the hard way, stay when mum is being abusive, and it just gets worse, no matter what I say, which in the long run doesn’t do her any good, and certainly is not doing me any good.

    It tough to do, but mum has normally forgotten my visit within 5 minutes anyway, she is fine, and I’m in bits, so I just biff the old guilt monster on the nose, and to quote Scarlett “tomorrow is another day”.

    Love

    Cate
     
  6. panda

    panda Registered User

    Apr 16, 2006
    88
    Surrey
    Thankyou all for your support, the doctor has put me on antidepressants, and I will take your advice on walking out and not going for a while. I am going to see Mum next saturday to tell her she has to stay in th home as trying to tell white lies has not worked.. Mum is i an EMI unit with codes to get out of the doors but she went over the fence, the home is getting an estimate for higer fencing they said if she can do it so will others. My aunt and uncle are going to come with me on the weekend for suport as I think it may be easier if she thinks it is a family decision. Although I am not convinced ...this illness has made me into a monster in mums eyes and as I have been her main suport it has made things very difficult.:(
     
  7. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,850
    Kent
    Dear Panda, Just worry about yourself for a while.

    I`m not suggesting for a minute you abandon your mother, but at this stage there is very little you can do to help her. But there`s a lot you can do to help yourself, and I really do believe that should be your priority.

    I`m so pleased your aunt and uncle are supporting you.

    Love xx
     
  8. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Well done Panda, you have made a very wise decision. So pleased also that you are getting some help for yourself from your doctor, only way for you now honey is up.

    Take all the help and support from your family thats on offer.

    Also take time to recover, you have been through a very tough time, I'm sure things will settle with mum in time.

    Love

    Cate
     
  9. strawberrywhip

    strawberrywhip Registered User

    Jun 26, 2006
    76
    kent
    Panda

    Soiunds like good advice. My MIL has been in a home for 3 weeks today. We are visiting her for the first time tomorrow (both dreading and looking forward o seeing her) The home have been great managed the early difficult stages. She is very mobile and was trying to climb out of windows in the first day or two. The kept her under close observation, changed her routine around..got the psychiatrist in to review her and started her on mild sedatives which settled her agitation but didnt knock her out. We have spoken on the phone once, and sent letters and cards and they feel she is ready for a visit now she has settled , and got used to the routine.(we shall see!) but we have been advised by the home.
    We have really appreciated the break this past 3 weeks ..and you need to do the same! Dont forget the nurses do shifts ..and they can be more objective. My MIL could be awful with the family, but social skills kicked in with strangers and she was much more polite! Let them do their job ..and have a break. Suns going to be out for the next few days ..enjoy!
     
  10. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Dear panda,
    So sorry that things have been so difficult for you. You have been given good advice here and I hope that all goes well next saturday. Your mum will settle eventually and you will be able to put this behind you. Now, it's time to take care of yourself for awhile. Keep Well. Taffy.
     
  11. Gill W

    Gill W Registered User

    Jan 31, 2007
    190
    Co. Durham
    Dear Panda,

    I hope that in about three weeks time, you begin to feel the effect of the anti depressants. They take about that long to get going through your system and have the desired effect. If you feel that they are not helping, go back to your GP and ask if the dose can be increased for a trial period. I've done this myself, and found it to be a real benefit to myself. The medication needn't be permanent but I'd say you need a helping hand to give yourself a lift right now. No shame whatsoever in that.

    So sorry for you that things have got as bad as they have. Everyone is right in that you need to take a break, even if it's until your medication starts to kick in and you'll be able to deal with things in a more balanced way, things won't cut as deep as they're doing at the moment? The ability to ignore abusive behaviour will become stronger once you're on an even keel yourself. At least that's what I'm finding when my teenage son is winding me up like a damned fiddlestring. (Not a very good comparison, I know, but you get what I mean I'm sure.)

    It's very hard to walk into a room and be abused when all you've done is your level best to care and provide, and I think that you should definitely take a few weeks away. Although sods law dictates that if you do this, the minute you walk in the room after that you'll be hounded for not having been for so long! But you need the time out before you burn out, and you must put you first now. The home will take care of your mum, that's what they are there for, please take care of yourself and let go for a while.

    Hoping that things get better and that your brother has the biggest bear hug ready for you when he arrives.

    Gill
    xx
     

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