Going through the diagnosis process slowly

Katy_did

New member
Apr 6, 2021
4
0
My 85-year-old dad was widowed almost 7 years ago. His memory was declining while Mum was still alive; it’s been getting progressively worse and the last year or so he has been getting very confused and delusional. He lives alone, and I am 2 1/2 hours drive away and my brother is 3 1/2 hours drive away. After Mum died we were visiting him at least monthly, until Covid-19 struck and neither of us has been able to visit him very much. My brother has been shielding and my husband has a heart condition). I’ve managed to arrange for carers to go in twice a day to check up on him and make sure he’s taking his tablets and eating OK.
He’s started thinking that the house he’s been living in for the last 30+ years isn’t his home; he talks about having his parents visiting him (his mother and father have been dead for 30 and 40 years), respectively) and how he will be moving back home with his dad. He thinks my brother lives just around the corner, rather than 160 miles away, and frets that he won’t pop round to see him. He’s also called the ambulance out in the night - he has no memory of calling them, but I think he must have made a silent 999 call), and has also had the police out in the middle of the night with some implausible tale of how a young woman that was on the news as missing had visited him in the afternoon.
I’ve discussed my concerns with his GP (last September) and managed to get him referred for a memory clinic assessment, which happened (after a lot of badgering on my part) in early March. He told the nurse that he had no concerns at all about his memory, then completely failed to remember my last name, and didn’t do well on the memory tests. I spoke to the nurse who did the tests, and she said that it looked like Alzheimer’s but the next step would be to have a head CT scan and then to see the consultant. We have the head CT booked for later this month.
He’s now started talking about selling his house and moving back to the small town he lived in until he was 15. My brother and I feel this is a very bad idea as the place has changed beyond recognition in the last 70 years, plus he would be moving away from his support network where he currently lives (his neighbours have been great, plus he has a local lady friend) and starting again totally on his own in a strange place, knowing no-one.
It’s hard knowing what the right thing to do is; he’s getting to the point of not being safe to be on his own but he doesn’t want the carers to come in for more time so I don’t think he’d be happy with a live-in carer. He’s not been at all keen on the thought of moving into a care home. Neither my brother nor I are in a position to be able to drop everything and move in with him, as we are both working full time.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
7,344
0
Nottinghamshire
Welcome to Dementia Talking Point @Katy_did

I looked after my dad, who also lived alone, and when he started to become confused and wanting to go home I started looking at carehomes. It wasn’t something I wanted to consider for him but more “just in case”. I lived near my dad and someone popped in 4 or 5 times a day to check on him and make sure he was clean, fed and safe.

From what you’ve said your dad is best staying where he is. Selling up and moving would, as you say, be a bad idea. Have you spoken to his neighbours? They are probably in a good position to tell you how he’s coping. My dad wandering around the neighbourhood and knocking on doors at 2am was one of the factors which decided me to get him into full time care.

In the meantime perhaps increasing the number of care visits would help?
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
7,195
0
Nottinghamshire
A welcome to Dementia Talking Point from me as well @Katy_did . It does sound like your dad needs more help than he is currently getting. When my mother was at this stage we persuaded her to sell her flat and look for something nearer either my brother or I. We didn't live as far away from mum as you and your brother do, but we were still at least ninety minutes away which is too far to get there in an emergency and those were happening all the time.
I think you need to find out how advanced your dad's dementia is. My brother had been keen on mum moving near him when her symptoms were very mild and she was managing fine at home. I felt a move away from her support network would hasten her decline. However five years later it was a different story. Mum was refusing all offers of help, getting more and more muddled about things and was convinced that the neighbours were in her flat moving her stuff around. That led to her banging on their door and screaming at them at regular intervals and calling out the police and fire brigade to sort them out. Mum was unhappy in her flat, and keen to move.
Mum put her flat on the market and we found her a nice extra-care sheltered flat near my brother. However by the time her flat had sold her dementia had progressed even more and I thought even extra-care wouldn't provide enough support. My brother was also seriously ill so a move near him wasn't sensible. Instead I moved mum to a care home near me, lying through my teeth about how it was a temporary move till her new flat was sorted. Mum is still living there nearly two years.
I think you need to find out how advanced his dementia is. Do you have contact details for the neighbours to get their opinion. Mum's friends were very supportive, but when I asked them directly about how mum was I discovered they'd been aware of her confusion for perhaps longer than I had.
I think getting more care visits in would be a start, but be prepared that this might not be enough. I think I might use his desire to move to look for care homes/sheltered accommodation either in his area or near you that might be suitable.
Keep posting, this is a very supportive site and you'll get lots of help and advice here.