Hi SueIt is three months since Ray died. It is lonely here in "our" home. At least while he was in the Nursing Home I got to see him ever day. Now I don't. Now there is just me fromthe time I get up in the morning till when I go to bed at night. If I want to have company I actually have to go out and look for it.
I do try to fill my days. I do some of the things I did before like selling tickets in the Lions Club Christmas Stocking, I did my last shift on that on Thursday afternoon. I have minded my grandchildren a couple of times, joined other widows for coffee, concentrated on tidying up and throwing out rubbish,downsizing the house. Why does it all feel as if I am just sitting and waiting for something to happen?
Now I am supposed to "look forward, not backwards" as a friend told me. I can clean the house, buy in food and presents and celebrate Christmas with the family and then....what? What to do when the family go home and back to their own lives.
It is school holidays till the end of January so no meetings, a lot of people away on holidays so not much activity around the place. I've always made January reading month so will organize books and put a comfy chair on the verandah and do some reading. It is really just filling in time.
At night I am still hainvg sleepless nights and the occassional nightmare. I still wake up straining to hear his voice calling me, to hear him breathing beside me. I turn the light on and I am alone. Not a good feeling. I was a carer for 13 years so I guess it will take a lot time to get over that.
I miss Mum too. I miss the visits to the Nursing Home and the conversations there. It is strangely quiet now it is all over.
Sue.
Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.
Definitely not noisette, or maybe the others are, but not me. I've been caring for my husband for many years, the last 7 he's needed 24 hour care and assistance with absolutely everything. We have carers 4 X a day and I don't think there are many days I don't chafe at my loss of freedom and time to do what I want. However - he's very poorly at the moment and may not make it through the weekend and I'm paralysed with anticipatory grief (not something I'm new to). I do try - and it's a constant effort - to find the blessings in every day because I know when I lose him (if I don't go first) I will be consumed with regrets if I feel resentful of this role. It's been the work of years to get to this place and it really is so hard. Thank you for being honest about your feelings, I'm sure that will be helpful for other people.No future plans?
These negative reactions to ceasing to be a carer amaze me. There are so many things I long to do; so many other family members and friends I would like to spend time with; so many local events going on;so many places yet unvisited.My list of things to do one day is so long that it will take a good few years to accomplish. Are all other carers so much nicer tha n me that no one shares my longing for freedom?
I’m so sorry to read your update @esmeralda. I wish you strength.Definitely not noisette, or maybe the others are, but not me. I've been caring for my husband for many years, the last 7 he's needed 24 hour care and assistance with absolutely everything. We have carers 4 X a day and I don't think there are many days I don't chafe at my loss of freedom and time to do what I want. However - he's very poorly at the moment and may not make it through the weekend and I'm paralysed with anticipatory grief (not something I'm new to). I do try - and it's a constant effort - to find the blessings in every day because I know when I lose him (if I don't go first) I will be consumed with regrets if I feel resentful of this role. It's been the work of years to get to this place and it really is so hard. Thank you for being honest about your feelings, I'm sure that will be helpful for other people.