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Hi SueIt is three months since Ray died. It is lonely here in "our" home. At least while he was in the Nursing Home I got to see him ever day. Now I don't. Now there is just me fromthe time I get up in the morning till when I go to bed at night. If I want to have company I actually have to go out and look for it.
I do try to fill my days. I do some of the things I did before like selling tickets in the Lions Club Christmas Stocking, I did my last shift on that on Thursday afternoon. I have minded my grandchildren a couple of times, joined other widows for coffee, concentrated on tidying up and throwing out rubbish,downsizing the house. Why does it all feel as if I am just sitting and waiting for something to happen?
Now I am supposed to "look forward, not backwards" as a friend told me. I can clean the house, buy in food and presents and celebrate Christmas with the family and then....what? What to do when the family go home and back to their own lives.
It is school holidays till the end of January so no meetings, a lot of people away on holidays so not much activity around the place. I've always made January reading month so will organize books and put a comfy chair on the verandah and do some reading. It is really just filling in time.
At night I am still hainvg sleepless nights and the occassional nightmare. I still wake up straining to hear his voice calling me, to hear him breathing beside me. I turn the light on and I am alone. Not a good feeling. I was a carer for 13 years so I guess it will take a lot time to get over that.
I miss Mum too. I miss the visits to the Nursing Home and the conversations there. It is strangely quiet now it is all over.