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Going on alone

sunray

Registered User
Sep 21, 2008
1,456
0
East Coast of Australia
First official day of Spring today., I feel as if I am half way through a marathon. All we can do is keep busy, concentrating on keeping our mental health as well as our physical health in check and see what life brings our way. Stay safe.
 

JGDMG

Registered User
May 5, 2020
47
0
It is three months since Ray died. It is lonely here in "our" home. At least while he was in the Nursing Home I got to see him ever day. Now I don't. Now there is just me fromthe time I get up in the morning till when I go to bed at night. If I want to have company I actually have to go out and look for it.

I do try to fill my days. I do some of the things I did before like selling tickets in the Lions Club Christmas Stocking, I did my last shift on that on Thursday afternoon. I have minded my grandchildren a couple of times, joined other widows for coffee, concentrated on tidying up and throwing out rubbish,downsizing the house. Why does it all feel as if I am just sitting and waiting for something to happen?

Now I am supposed to "look forward, not backwards" as a friend told me. I can clean the house, buy in food and presents and celebrate Christmas with the family and then....what? What to do when the family go home and back to their own lives.

It is school holidays till the end of January so no meetings, a lot of people away on holidays so not much activity around the place. I've always made January reading month so will organize books and put a comfy chair on the verandah and do some reading. It is really just filling in time.

At night I am still hainvg sleepless nights and the occassional nightmare. I still wake up straining to hear his voice calling me, to hear him breathing beside me. I turn the light on and I am alone. Not a good feeling. I was a carer for 13 years so I guess it will take a lot time to get over that.

I miss Mum too. I miss the visits to the Nursing Home and the conversations there. It is strangely quiet now it is all over.

Sue.
Hi Sue
It sounds to me as if you are coping really well with this sadness and bereavement. As you say it will be difficult because not only was Ray your husband, but you were his carer, which adds a different dimension to the deep loss you are experiencing. You will be just going through the motions at the moment, and you are obviously trying very hard to be ok and contribute and help others. The group of other women who are bereaved might give you support and understanding from others who know something about what you are going through. It sounds like you have put some good strategies in place to help yourself on this painful journey. Maybe you are expecting too much of yourself, too soon? It's a very short time for such a big loss. Give yourself all the time you need.
 

sunray

Registered User
Sep 21, 2008
1,456
0
East Coast of Australia
Spring is here with its variable weather. I have my son and granddaughter here for the first week of the school Spring break and we did manage time by the beach yesterday. It is nice to have company as I am so much alone now. The Covid is still with us so the restrictions still apply What a strange year it has been.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
72,387
0
Kent
Good to hear from you @sunray. Glad you have company.

I saw a lot of my adult grandchildren over the summer holidays, social distancing I know but even so they were good company.
 

sunray

Registered User
Sep 21, 2008
1,456
0
East Coast of Australia
Sylvia, so glad your grand children are keeping in touch, so many don't bother these days. I saw my daughter and grand daughter too so two out of six grand children this holiday break. The ones in South Australia didn't come up this term break but should be coming up for the summer holidays. This isolation and border closure policy is really hard on families with children and grandchildren in different States and no access to them.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
72,387
0
Kent
Thanks Sue @sunray

My grandchildren live a five minute walk from me when they are at home so it`s so easy for them to stay in touch. Now they have all gone their seperate ways , two to universities and one to start a new life with her boyfriend.

Even so, I suspect they still live nearer to me than yours do to you.
 

sunray

Registered User
Sep 21, 2008
1,456
0
East Coast of Australia
It's November and we still have Covid restrictions but the borders between States are open so out of state number plates appearing on our roads again. My next door neighbour is going to Queensland next week to see property he has there is okay. Looks like the South Australian grandchildren will be up with their Mum for the summer holidays and hopefully for Christmas. I have just been up to my daughter's place as she has ruptured the meniscus behind her left knee and couldn't drive so I went up in my car. The traffic in her area is full speed and much busier than here so I am glad to be home again. I will start planning for Christmas now, even if things go pear shape at least my cupboards will be well stocked.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
63,505
0
69
Dundee
Nice to hear from you again Sue. It must be good to be able to see your grandchildren again.
 

sunray

Registered User
Sep 21, 2008
1,456
0
East Coast of Australia
Christmas is acoming, first socially distanced Christmas get together today with Ray's old stroke recovery group. Time has taken its toll and our numbers are fewer so two get togethers of twenty ( two tables of eight and one of four for the scooter people) are enough. The outings etc were cancelled this year so it will be good to do a catch up.Most of the groups I belong to have started up again either as before with lower numbers or virtually. Hope you are all finding your way back to real life again.
 

sunray

Registered User
Sep 21, 2008
1,456
0
East Coast of Australia
I am busy writing cards and making lists for Christmas shopping. Not a lot of ideas but will make sure there is something for each grandchild under the tree. It seems strange meeting up in small groups rather than the usual Christmas parties but at least we are out and about now. There are less people who are wanting to celebrate I think. I went looking for Christmas lights as Coasties usually put a lot into outdoor decorations but that seems less than usual too., maybe it seems too much of an effort. I think Covid knocked the stuffing out of the community and maybe it will take some time to get that carefree spirit that always showed up around the start of the summer and Christmas season in Australia to come back. I hope it does both in individuals and communities. We need that.
 

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
16,833
0
66
Toronto, Canada
Always nice to see you, Sue. Here in Canada things have got very much worse. Rudi and I will spend Christmas as we did Thanksgiving (Canadian in October, not to be confused with American), the two of us and the cat, with the smallest turkey I could find. Rudi does love his turkey. We won't be seeing anyone, just Facetime and phone calls.

I am also writing cards and plan on doing my Christmas decorating this weekend. I normally do it about a week before Christmas but I want to cheer us up and Christmas decor always does that for me.

I have noticed quite a few windows with lit Christmas trees and other decorations in the neighbourhood. so I think others are doing as I do. I always do find it lovely seeing the Christmas lights and decorations.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
63,505
0
69
Dundee
Nice to see you here Sue. Here Christmas decorations seem to have gone up outside houses very early indeed this year. I do think people are needing to be cheered up. I put up my tree last weekend - which is much earlier than I usually do it. It is dark and miserable here and Like @Canadian Joanne Christmas decor and especially lights do cheer me up.

It will be nice to see your family, even though things will be different this year. I won’t see my family as they live too far away and we would be too many households. I‘m lucky to be in an extended household (bubble) and will be spending Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with them.

Take care - have a lovely time.
 

sunray

Registered User
Sep 21, 2008
1,456
0
East Coast of Australia
Izzy, sorry you won't see your family, it is one of the joys of Christmas for me. Only once since Ray died have I been on my own and I hated it. True we all have people who are as good as family and I have been grateful for that too which is why I usually have one or two friends join us for Christmas Day.
 

sunray

Registered User
Sep 21, 2008
1,456
0
East Coast of Australia
Wishing everyone a happier New Year. Just having hope for a cure for Covid would be good eh? Here in Australia we have our borders closing again, my grandchildren from Adelaide have to self-isolate for 14 days when they go back to South Australis so are going back two weeks early from visiting their mother so they don't miss school. We were lucky to have them here as we hadn't seen them since January last year. I am okay, life seems to just roll along. Had some of the family here for Christmas so that was good and Trevor and Alice will arrive from Broken Hill tomorrow. Luckily I don't remember much of 2020, great to think everyone else is the same and it's not just my age. Keep safe and keep going, the world needs us our wisdom.
 

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
16,833
0
66
Toronto, Canada
I really believe we have turned a corner with the different vaccines, but it will take some time. I am hopeful things will be closer to normal come the fall.

To quote Winston Churchill:

Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.
 

esmeralda

Registered User
Nov 27, 2014
3,081
0
Devon
No future plans?

These negative reactions to ceasing to be a carer amaze me. There are so many things I long to do; so many other family members and friends I would like to spend time with; so many local events going on;so many places yet unvisited.My list of things to do one day is so long that it will take a good few years to accomplish. Are all other carers so much nicer tha n me that no one shares my longing for freedom?
Definitely not noisette, or maybe the others are, but not me. I've been caring for my husband for many years, the last 7 he's needed 24 hour care and assistance with absolutely everything. We have carers 4 X a day and I don't think there are many days I don't chafe at my loss of freedom and time to do what I want. However - he's very poorly at the moment and may not make it through the weekend and I'm paralysed with anticipatory grief (not something I'm new to). I do try - and it's a constant effort - to find the blessings in every day because I know when I lose him (if I don't go first) I will be consumed with regrets if I feel resentful of this role. It's been the work of years to get to this place and it really is so hard. Thank you for being honest about your feelings, I'm sure that will be helpful for other people.
 

Cat27

Volunteer Moderator
Feb 27, 2015
11,842
0
Merseyside
Definitely not noisette, or maybe the others are, but not me. I've been caring for my husband for many years, the last 7 he's needed 24 hour care and assistance with absolutely everything. We have carers 4 X a day and I don't think there are many days I don't chafe at my loss of freedom and time to do what I want. However - he's very poorly at the moment and may not make it through the weekend and I'm paralysed with anticipatory grief (not something I'm new to). I do try - and it's a constant effort - to find the blessings in every day because I know when I lose him (if I don't go first) I will be consumed with regrets if I feel resentful of this role. It's been the work of years to get to this place and it really is so hard. Thank you for being honest about your feelings, I'm sure that will be helpful for other people.
I’m so sorry to read your update @esmeralda. I wish you strength.
 

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