Going on alone

[sunray]

It never fails to get me how many people think that when your husband is in a care home your life will be the better of it. Those who do not understand that if he dies your grief and mourning will be no less. (Loopiloo)

Loo I was one of the people who actually thought that way. I cried all through the year Ray was in care. Then he died and suddenly I was crying again, bucketfulls. I cried all that first year and then slowed down through the second and third years. But I still go through periods of everything reminding me of my loss and off I go again. Grief is strange that way.

Sue.

 

[sunray]

My Salvation Army family (my daughter Shirley and her family) is being moved mid-January from four hours south of where I live to Cardiff which is an hour's journey north of me (New South Wales. not Wales....lol.) I am so pleased. They of course are going to find it hard to move as they have lived in Shell Harbour for six years now and have put down deep roots. But for me it will be wonderful to have family so close again when they have all been so far away from me for so long.

I get by quite well now day to day but sometimes the loneliness comes down like a black cloud and I don't do so well. Luckily for me remembering how much worse off a lot of others are helps. I like to give help and support and that I can still do here through the pastoral work I do for the church, and on the sites I belong to. Keeping busy is the key for me.

 

[Saffie]

As you say, it will be good to have your family so much nearer to you and your post is so positive, it is good to read, Sue.
Yes, we do have to eventually adapt to life alone as there really isn't any alternative, hard though it is sometimes. I hope you are able to keep busy for many years to come. Now, with family so much nearer, your life will have be much improved too. x

 

[Spamar]

Hi Sunray, know just how you feel. Just after OH moved to a home permanently, I phoned Crossroads to say that we wouldn't need their services stain. The person on the phone then said words to the effect that I must be pleased that my caring duties were over! As I had doesn't all morning doing his finances and was fed up with it, I must admit I gave her an earful and out her straight on that remark!

 

[LadyA]

So glad you're going to have family closer to you Sunray. My sister (also in NSW) is moving from the tiny town of Narrandera, which is out in the middle of nowhere, to the Hunter Valley to be near their son. They have a son, dil & grandson up there, and a daughter & two grandchildren in Melbourne, and they were too isolated from both of them. Now, while they will be much further from their daughter, she says it will actually be "nearer" in that there are direct flights that don't take too long from where they will be living to Melbourne, whereas before, they had a six hour drive each way to Melbourne and an eight hour drive each way to their son - so they will actually be able to see more of all their family this way. Living in Ireland, I just find it hard to grasp such hugeness! If you drove east from me for six hours - well, I think you'd (a) get terribly wet, and (b) probably be in Wales!

And yes, I do agree about people's expectations. I wonder if it's just that they express themselves badly? I had a couple of people say to me (after William died) that it must be a relief in a way. (To him, yes, I'm sure it was.) And I had one person send me a FB message saying "How are you? I hope you are getting over it by now." - it was exactly two months since William's death!

 

[sunray]

Lady A, by coincidence We lived in Narrandera from 1976 - 1979. My late husband Ray was a Fisheries Inspector and we lived on the Research Station there. The Hunter Valley is lovely and about two hours drive from where I live. I hope you get to come out and visit your sister while she is living there.

 

[sunray]

As we approach the holiday season, the Christmas and end-of-the-year party season here and Christmas itself once more I feel as if I am lost. It is those "family times" when I realise I am not a family I am a widow. I have tried to make new arrangements and am going out to my younger son at Broken Hill and will have Christmas with him and his three year old daughter. I am sure that will make for some special memories.

People ask me: "How are you?" and mostly I answer that I am well, doing fine, getting on with life, keeping busy and all of those answers are an aspect of how I am. I do not tell them I am lonely, miserable, wishing it could be ten years ago when my husband was relatively well. I do not tell them I still feel cut in half some days. I want to keep my friends and know they want me to be cheerful and confident and my "old self" again.

So out I go into the world with a smile on my face and it is "fake it till you make it time" from now until the New Year.

Sue.

 

[jan.s]

Hi Sue

I recognise all of your thoughts. "Family" times are very difficult when the one you love is no longer here. I hate Sundays.

I too am dreading Christmas, my first without Roger. I have agreed to go in to a neighbour for a short time on Christmas Day, although I think I would rather be at home, but then, if I stayed home, I guess all I would do is wallow.

Friends are very important, but they do need to be able to understand that sometimes we do feel huge sadness, and make an allowance for that.

I wish you well over Christmas and hope you can find some peace in your stay with your son and his daughter. As you say, you will build some new memories.

Sending love and hugs. Jan xx

 

[Scarlett123]

I'll be on my own, but am determined not to cry, well, determined not to cry all the time. I shall wish my darling John both Merry Christmas and a Happy Birthday, and take Billy for a walk, weather permitting.

I shall read through all the Christmas cards John sent me, over the years, and in the evening, I shall watch Call The Midwife followed by the Downton Abbey Special. I have treated myself to the box set of The Sopranos, which I shall watch during the day, whenever I feel like it.

On Christmas Eve, it'll be Love Actually and It's A Wonderful Life (more tears), but I'll get through it. And I dare say, if it gets too much, they'll be several lovely friends on TP, who will understand completely. We'll help each other.

 

[Loopiloo]

Dear Sue, good to hear from you. I know how you feel about Christmas, as many of us here do, and am glad you will be with your son and the little one, creating happy memories. They are good to recall when the other happy memories from before dementia are bitter sweet and tears come.

I am another who will be alone on Christmas day. Like you Scarlett I will be watching those favourites on TV. I rather hope I am alone, strangely enough, as I am miserably short of Christmas spirit! New Year's Day will be difficult as it will be Henry's 83rd birthday. But he seems to have long forgotten his birthday and also Christmas.

His first away from home was in hospital and this Christmas - and birthday - in the care home will be his 5th. It does not at all get any easier. All the variations tried at Christmas were disasters - confusion, irritation, anger etc. Likewise his birthdays. The best was when I visited the day after New Year's Day and treated it like the usual type of visit, although he did show some interest going through his birthday cards, and I kept gifts to only one. Even that resulted in a bad reaction.

Sorry for taking over your thread Sue. Wishing you a happy Christmas Day with your son and his daughter. Enjoy your smiles coming naturally !

Thoughts and love
Loo xxx

 

[LadyA]

Dear Sue, good to hear from you. I know how you feel about Christmas, as many of us here do, and am glad you will be with your son and the little one, creating happy memories. They are good to recall when the other happy memories from before dementia are bitter sweet and tears come.

I am another who will be alone on Christmas day. Like you Scarlett I will be watching those favourites on TV. I rather hope I am alone, strangely enough, as I am miserably short of Christmas spirit! New Year's Day will be difficult as it will be Henry's 83rd birthday. But he seems to have long forgotten his birthday and also Christmas.

His first away from home was in hospital and this Christmas - and birthday - in the care home will be his 5th. It does not at all get any easier. All the variations tried at Christmas were disasters - confusion, irritation, anger etc. Likewise his birthdays. The best was when I visited the day after New Year's Day and treated it like the usual type of visit, although he did show some interest going through his birthday cards, and I kept gifts to only one. Even that resulted in a bad reaction.

Sorry for taking over your thread Sue. Wishing you a happy Christmas Day with your son and his daughter. Enjoy your smiles coming naturally !

Thoughts and love
Loo xxx

I remember William's 83rd birthday Loo. He was still at home at the time. I explained to him about it being his birthday, and told him that he was pretty old now - 83 years old! He roared laughing and said " Don't be ridiculous! " :-D

 

[sunray]

Thanks all for the good wishes. Yes, little ones do make you smile and that is good but I expect there will be tears too when she has to go back to her Mummy after three days with her Daddy who she loves so much. But all good things come to an end and divorce, or in their case separation leads to many heartaches as does death.

I smiled at the thought of you perusing the TV guide and the preparation for plumping down in the easy chair and watching all your favourite programs Scarlett, sounds like a plan. And darling Loo, I hope your Christmas will be a calm and joyful occasion and only those people who have your best interests at heart knock on your door.

Lady A and jan.s, thanks for your encouraging replies. To all I hope you find a special thought comes into your mind to know that those who we love are still somehow connected to us and wish us to be well and happy at this special time of the year.

Sue.

 

[sunray]

I had a different entry to the New Year this year. I have just spent two weeks with my son at Broken Hill which is semi-desert country as far west as you can go in New South Wales. I went for two weeks as it meant being able to spend six out of fourteen days with my grand daughter Alice on his access days. So she was there for part of Christmas Eve, part of Christmas Day, the following two days which were his normal access days and then the Thursday which was New Years Eve and the following day.

On the Thursday morning when he picked her up she had a runny nose, but wouldn't eat lunch and by mid afternoon she said she didn't feel good, then she went pale and clammy and we knew something was wrong. The children's medication he gave her seemed to perk her up again but then she was back in that condition so to the little local hospital we went. Luckily it was fully staffed for such emergencies and the young doctors and nurses quickly assessed that she had a virus and gave her the appropriate treatment.

I found out it was the New Year Sydney time when an orderly came in and said: "Happy New Year " and adjusted the TV to show the Sydney fireworks. Of course it was actually 11.30pm Broken Hill time as it is on Adelaide time not Sydney time, so I had a second New Year's greeting half an hour later when we got to take her home again. Luckily it was just a 24 hour virus and she was okay by the following afternoon when she had to go back to her Mum.

I felt proud of my son for how he handled the situation, he is very good with her and I wish he had joint custody. But the law is an ass and the journey towards that seems to be strewn with problems unfortunately. I was glad I was there to be of help to him and saw her almost back to her normal self before she left.

Sue.

 

[sunray]

I's February, school has gone back so the roads are less busy and the shopping centres too. The meetings are starting up again so I will soon be back in routine BUT I have my English visitors coming on 11th and my girlfriend who I stay with in England will be here with me for the first twelve days. So I will take her out either morning or afternoon, on day trips if it is reasonable weather, to my daughter's place etc.

Then when her cousin comes back they will use public transport to go up and down to Sydney to see the things they are interested in and further out by train so I will have days when they are away and I can do the things I have to do here. I am really looking forward to that time. Company is always welcome .

 

[Izzy]

That sounds just lovely!!

 

[Saffie]

I hope you will have a wonderful time with your visitors.
How lovely to have that to look forward to.

 

[Loopiloo]

It's always good to have something to look forward to, have a lovely time with your visitors, and during your times on your own.

My grand-daughter in Melbourne has just started back teaching again, only Mondays so far. Wee Flynn is now seven and a half months old, and way ahead of himself! She was apprehensive about him going to nursery, but he is such a happy wee lad and very active, I think he will soon settle in.

She's enjoying the sunshine after 7 weeks in Scotland - mainly, 5 in England at the end - of rain, gales, snow and coldness. Many warm memories of times with family and friends. I think we lot over here have forgotten the feel of warm sun on our skin!

Enjoy Sue.

Thinking of you

Love, Loo xx

 

[sunray]

I did a talk in a church group this afternoon about being a widow. A few of the people who came know me fairly well and know of the years I looked after Ray with the strokes and then the dementia. Some of them even knew my Mum and Dad and that I also looked after them. So it was a friendly audience.

It was hard in a way to get through the talk as a lot of it was painful to recall but a lot of people came up afterwards and told me how they could relate to what I said. I guess we just have to go on educating people so they know how we feel. Some said they never realised widows were sometimes discriminated against by their couple friends, or how long it took to get over a bereavement. I was glad I was able to do that and felt in the end it was a positive experience.

 

[Scarlett123]

I did a talk in a church group this afternoon about being a widow. A few of the people who came know me fairly well and know of the years I looked after Ray with the strokes and then the dementia. Some of them even knew my Mum and Dad and that I also looked after them. So it was a friendly audience.

It was hard in a way to get through the talk as a lot of it was painful to recall but a lot of people came up afterwards and told me how they could relate to what I said. I guess we just have to go on educating people so they know how we feel. Some said they never realised widows were sometimes discriminated against by their couple friends, or how long it took to get over a bereavement. I was glad I was able to do that and felt in the end it was a positive experience.

And I'm sure Ray would be so proud of you for doing this. That's a very hard topic to talk about, especially as it's through personal experiences. Well done you! I'm sending a massive cyber bouquet, a bottle of your favourite tipple and choccies of your choice. xxx

 

[sunray]

I am lucky that my health is pretty good,only a few age related aches and pains. It has been a long time coming but I finally can see the need to get back into life. Today when I met with two different groups of people that I like and have had a friendship with for many years it seemed good that I could now go where I want without anyone questioning what I was doing. I think I could get used to being on my own now if not entirely happy with it.

I had thought I would find a special someone as a partner for my old age but it seems unlikely. Aussie men my age often take younger wives, take up golf or bowls and join service organisations and something like the Men's Shed movement to combat their loneliness. Only a few remarry. I have had some lunch dates and some new friendships but I know none of that so far has lead to anything more serious.

I know that a lot of widows and widowers in the end find contentment in their own company and their own routine and I may be of that mind soon myself. I am in the process of finding some new interests and settling down for winter. Plenty of time to make changes slowly so I will see what happens.