Going Nuts

[principlecarer]

If I don't get help soon, it will not be Mum going into a home it will be me. I have had her with me 24/7 for 10 weeks. I cannot go to the supermarket, have a shower, use the internet (unless like now, when I have plied her with gin and so she is asleep) is driving me nuts. From about 4am she is up and about, I try to ignore her but if I go to the bathroom she says "good morning" like it is 7:30. I go straight back to bed, get up at 7am and then it starts, "how far is my home from yours, where are my boys" loop the loop until I get her into bed. If I try to have a conversation on the phone with friends or family she is there, listening and getting arsey because she is not the centre of attention. I have told her that when she was my age, 65, she was off travelling the world with my Dad and had left my nan for me and my brothers to look after and then when it became obvious that my nan had dementia they put her in a home. I have said why don't you go into a really nice home, we can all afford a really good one with hairdressers on site and spas etc but oh no, she would rather make our lives a misery.
I have tried all these private home care companies who say they cannot come out due to the corona virus, I have also tried contacting three private homes n the area who again will not let us check them out and want to do a video tour. Clearly this is not good enough, I would want to really check things out and make sure they are suitable for Mum but no one wants to know. So going back to where this started, how do I get help? They all seem to be scared to death of this virus. I am not and really do not worry about checking out these facilities and homes, if I get it, I get it. At least this misery will be over because with the pains in my chest and stomach not to mention the fracture in my marriage due to this I cannot see a way out.

 

[Bunpoots]

I'm sure it's really difficult to get a carehome place at the moment because of the covid situation but I know others on the forum have managed it so it's not impossible. I think visiting probably is though. I understand your reluctance to accept a video tour but while carehomes aren't accepting visitors I don't see an alternative and it sounds like you really need a break!

Have you checked Facebook for the homes you are interested in? That should give you a better idea of what goes on there.

You could tell your mum she's going to a nice hotel for a holiday - I know that's worked for others whose relatives have been reluctant to move to a home.

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @principlecarer , that sounds beyond tough. I guess before lockdown your mum lived independently or at least you were able to have a bit of space between you and her. Although video tours are not ideal it sounds like moving her into a home for a bit of respite might be the only way to save your sanity/marriage/relationship with your mum and your friends. Have you looked at this website for homes in your area. I think even if it is just for a couple of weeks this could be a way for you to catch your breath and decide what to do next.

 

[canary]

Its not easy being a 24/7 carer and the pandemic is not helping at all.
You are right that a video tour is not the same as actually visiting, but unfortunately no care home is allowing any sort of routine visits into the building at the moment. They are not worried about you catching the virus there, they are worried about you unwittingly bringing the virus in and infecting the residents. Could you think of a move to a care home as being a temporary move and then once the lockdown is over you could move her again if you feel the care home is unsuitable?

 

[Lynmax]

We had to accept that Mum would have to go into a care home that we were not able to visit first when it became apparent that she could not go home after a spell in hospital.

The hospital discharge team found her one but rather than accept their choice and move her after the pandemic ( it was too far for us to visit) I began my own search locally. I asked loads of people if they had any recommendations, both with relatives or through work ( luckily I knew two occupational therapists) and came up with a short list of one! It was recommended by four people so, after a couple of phone calls to the manager, mum was offered a place.

At this stage I had not even been to the location! But I knew that I had no choice, no homes were allowing visits and mum could not stay in hospital indefinitely. I've since been to the home a couple of times to drop of clothes and personal things and am more than happy with my choice.

But I know that if Ive made the wrong decision, I would move her again.

 

[Sirena]

Because of the virus, your options at the moment are to either carry on as you are (which sounds very very difficult) or to choose a care home placement by doing a video tour and talking to staff on the phone. Care homes locked down months ago, I have not been able to visit since 12th March. They will not allow any visitors because that is how the virus spreads through a care home - by outsiders coming in - and they understandably want to protect the residents.

You could view it as a temporary placement. Once visiting is allowed, you could then go in and see if you are happy with it and they are meeting her needs. If not, you will be able to find a different placement for your mother.