Going into care home without consent?

Grandaughter 1

Registered User
Jan 17, 2006
141
Hampshire
Hi all and thanks for your continued support.

Well after the failed attempt at getting Grandad into respite we contacted the social worker and the CPN.

The social worker is lovely but the CPN was most blunt and rude. He more or less insisted that help had been offered (ie respite) and we were obviously not working hard enough at getting Grandad to the respite home. His exact words were "why didn't you just tell him he was going on some sort of outing?!!" Hellloooo but Grandad never leaves the house and he's not stupid. If you even mention the "R" word he flips his lid! We told him he had an appointment last time and as soon as we got to the home he was trying to run out the door! This sort of condescending attitude is not helpful.

On a positive note, Nan has had a better week. She is most embarassed about her breakdown on the bus (bless her) and is still tired but is trying to be strong.

Best wishes to you all

Louise x
 

noelphobic

Registered User
Feb 24, 2006
3,452
Liverpool
Grandaughter 1 said:
Hi all and thanks for your continued support.

Well after the failed attempt at getting Grandad into respite we contacted the social worker and the CPN.

The social worker is lovely but the CPN was most blunt and rude. He more or less insisted that help had been offered (ie respite) and we were obviously not working hard enough at getting Grandad to the respite home. His exact words were "why didn't you just tell him he was going on some sort of outing?!!" Hellloooo but Grandad never leaves the house and he's not stupid. If you even mention the "R" word he flips his lid! We told him he had an appointment last time and as soon as we got to the home he was trying to run out the door! This sort of condescending attitude is not helpful.

On a positive note, Nan has had a better week. She is most embarassed about her breakdown on the bus (bless her) and is still tired but is trying to be strong.

Best wishes to you all

Louise x
I think you need to fight fire with fire here! If the CPN is blunt and rude then you need to be just that in return. Tell him that if it's so easy to get your Grandad to go to the respite home then he should demonstrate it to you!

I know that's easy for me to say but don't know what else to suggest when faced with such insensitivity and rudeness from the CPN.
 

Cate

Registered User
Jul 2, 2006
1,370
Newport, Gwent
Hi

Been keeping up to date on your progess, or not, of getting grand dad into a NH.

A colleague of mine was going through the same problem with her step mum. In the end they told her that an appointment had been made at the NH for an assessment, and once she passed this assessment the subject of NH would be dropped!!

All went well until they got to the front door of the NH when step mum wrapped herself around a wheelie bin!! They eventually got step mum plus wheelie bin inside. The staff were fantastic, told my friend and her sister to go. When they returned 2 hours later the staff had talked her into staying for a week to see how she got on. So far so good, three weeks have passed, and she does have days when she wants to go home, but these demands dont last long.

The reason for my post, sometimes it's necessary to use some trickery for the good of all. Good luck in your quest to get grandma some help.
Best wishes
Cate
 

TamiR

Registered User
Oct 23, 2006
4
Orange, Califronia
how familiar this all is

Im in the US and we have different laws dealing with power of attorneys, respite care, etc but the story is all the same.

My mom was the same way, very angry. It took me awhile to realize I wasn't dealing with my 'Mom' any longer but a lady who was frustrated almost hourly that she couldn't remember or do the things that she used to do. She's not the Mom I know but a lady with a disease.

After I've come to peace with this - then I can resort to trickery, mis-direction, silence or just leaving the room to stop an 'argument'. It sounds like Gran needs time away, but how does she leave him knowing he's going to blow his top with others. She just has to. For her health and her sanity.

How does she leave - she goes back to work. (Not really) but bringing home the bacon so to speak is a good way to easily convince someone else that others must be here to (not care for him) but to do the wash, dishes, cook because he deserves to have those things done for him. He's lived many years...etc and should be pampered. Once she 'goes back to work' then she can have respite come in. My mom would never consent to day care that was too demeaning.

She needs to generally phrase things like he was the inventor of the idea. Example: I was thinking about what you suggested yesterday, this morning etc. I think it's a very good idea that I go back to work or get on with volunteering or helping with the church or something. His idea - he can't argue with it.

If people with Alzheimer's physically had 1/2 their head missing - we would all stop and immediately say - oh no - they have a disability what can I do for them. The problem is they still look the same but they are never the same.

Someone told me to keep juice and crackers and a good book under the bathroom counter for when I needed to step out of the room to break the frustration. That way I could excuse myself to go to the 'loo'. Sit there and read a good book for 10 minutes - come back and things are different. Remember this disease never allows them to break the frustration - so caretakers must.

This situation is soooo similiar to my Mom when she was angry. Because of my health I needed to get her into a residential facility which I did - I went on 'vacation' and she needed to be there until I got back. Well I've visited her many times and I always seem to be going on vacation. I have my life back and she has very very good care.

I wish you all well and the best of luck.

Tami
 

Dina

Registered User
sorry to hear the problems you are having.:(

my limited experience is that you need to keep on to the social worker, phone them daily if necessary. maybe someone else in the family could speak to them rather than your nan - perhaps she does not feel able to be assertive enough, especially if your grandad is there at the time?

i was told that if my mum refuses to go into a care home (which she does), then a letter from the psychiatrist saying that she is not of sound mind to may that decision, would be enough.

personally, i think, and i hope you don't think i'm speaking out of turn here, but you - the family - need to arrange the care home and worry about getting him there when the time comes, if necessary by trickery. i know i sound very callous and its not my grandad, but as far as i am concerned, you all know what is the best for both grandparents and that is what you'd be doing. someone with advanced dementia ought not be given the power to make such important decision and social services etc, need to recognise this fact.

as someone said, your nan has rights too.

sorry if this is all a bit over the top, but i feel very strongly about decisions made by those suffering from alzheimers which affect all those around them and are in the long term not even in their best interests.:mad:

ps. maybe the CPN could come and accompany your grandad to the home rather than your nan?!!
 
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