1. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    4,348
    Birmingham Hades
    I know this has been discussed many times before,but I cannot find reference to it.
    How do you get someone into a home when the day arrives?
    Do you tell them where they are going?
    Do you tell white lies?
    Would you tell them they have come to see the Dr,and then leave them in the hands of the home's staff.?
    Any thoughts?
    Norman
     
  2. cynron

    cynron Registered User

    Sep 26, 2005
    429
    east sussex
    Norman.

    I asked my husband if he would like a ride into the countryside he said yes. Then i said i was taking him to an hotel to stay,it did look a bit like an hotel. When we arrived the home manager played along with this and said i will show you your room.

    I stayed for a while and then just slipped away. he never ever questioned his being there, whether this was because he had vas dementia and not altz i dont know.

    I moved him twice after that and he never seemed to be upset by the moves, He was in his last home 7 weeks before he contracted pnuemonia and passed away. He had gone down hill over the 6 months he was in these homes. Loss of weight and loss of abilty to walk needed feeding and was in pads. the last few weeks he was bedridden.

    Cynthia x x
     
  3. blue sea

    blue sea Registered User

    Aug 24, 2005
    270
    England
    In most cases by the time you get to this stage things are so bad that you just have to find a way. At least that was how it was for me. Dad had long lost the ability to understand such a situation. I took him to the home for a day visit, having agreed with the staff what we would say. ie that the doctor wanted him to go there to sort out his sleep problems. They were lovely wih him, showed him the room he would have etc. Next day we took him in and left him at dinner time. We just kept saying the doctors wanted him to stay a while to sort out his problems and never actually told him the truth. Cowardly?? or kind?? or both?? I really don't think he ever understood what was happening.

    It was hard to start off with but really we had reached the point where we just could not cope any more . There really is no easy way. But I think there comes a point, and only you know when you have reached it, when it is the only option. If the dementia is very advanced they need 24 hour active care and no one person can humanly do this. i just feel it is kinder to present it as a temporary situation, and then as time goes on they gradually adapt to the new environment. I found my realtionship with dad was better as I was no longer his 'jailor'. But I'm sure there's no 'right' way to do it. It's really hard, and I still feel guilty but I know I could not have continued any longer as a carer without breaking down completely.
    Thinking of you
    Blue sea
     
  4. icare2

    icare2 Registered User

    Jun 18, 2006
    84
    scotland
    care home very last place,but all peoples circumstances are different

    hi,all putting your loved one into a care home has and always will be a very hard choice,but its a personal choice for the PERSONS HUSBAND/WIFE/PARTNER/,or the one who is closest to them,AND OF COURSE HOW THE ILLNESS HAS PROGRESSED..

    ME PERSONALLY WAS TOLD FROM MY OWN GP.. THAT A CARE HOME WAS THE BEST OPTION AND THAT WAS 5 YEARS AGO,BUT AS I STILL VERY MUTCH LOVE AND CARE FOR MY WIFE I COULD NOT EVEN CONTEMPLATE EVEN VISTITING ONE TOO LOOK AROUND ANY OFF THEM.
    BUT I AM LUCKY I AM FIT AND ABLE TO CARE FOR HER(TOUCH WOOD).. SO THERES ALL DIFFERENT ASPECTS TO THIS.
    ME MYSELF WILL NOT EVEN CONSIDER IT AS LONG AS IT IS ME THATS ABLE TO LOOK AFTER HER,BUT NOW !! I HAVE GOT 58 HOURS PER WEEK HELP FROM MY LOCAL SOCIAL WORK DEPARTMENT AND THE (INDEPENDANT LIVING FUND) WHO ARE PAYING FOR 38 HOURS OF IT..
     
  5. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Norman love, ......a break, a holiday, a move.........only you know your Peg well enough to know what she may respond to.

    Whatever the outcome, some subterfuge, some little white lies will come into play.
    Does this matter, I think not, for at this time only their feeling of safety is paramount.

    Whatever it takes, however many 'little white lies', as long as you can convience Peg that she is safe, you will have exceeded all expectations.

    Use your own maxim now, "Day by day". One day at a time.
    My thoughts and prayers go with you. Love n'hugs
     
  6. Michael E

    Michael E Registered User

    Apr 14, 2005
    619
    Male
    Ronda Spain
    Norman hi,

    I have been making my own plans for a similar move and the very same question kept leaping into my head.... My mum when she decided she could no longer physically look after my (senile dementia - aka Alzheimer's?) dad found the home and made the arrangements. She called me and asked me to take him from her house to the home.... Her story to him was he was going to stay for a short while - bit of respite except that word did not exist then... I took him and it worked ok... Later when she moved I was the person who picked him up from the old home and took him to the new home... In each case she left it a week or so then recommenced visiting which she did for the rest of his life - two or three times a week... Not taking him to the 'home' herself seemed to be a good move..

    I am telling Monique that she might like to go for a 'cure'... French concept of going to a nice hotel type place to 'take the waters'... not sure how much of this is going in but she seems to like the idea.

    My sister is going to come over from the UK and together with a friend of mine will drive Monique to the home and install her - if that's the word? I think I would find it very hard not to be emotional - the long goodbye etc and that would certainly be upsetting for Monique... They should have to have a decent chance of a good beginning.... They do seem to pick up on 'emotions' very quickly and I am 99% certain the 'deed' needs to be done by someone other than me..
    The home in which I have a lot of faith says not to visit for a week or so
    Michael
     
  7. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Hello Norman, I took mum into a care home three weeks ago, I told her we had to see the doctor she put up the usual objections none of which made any sense but she had absolutely no inkling about what was happening. After we were safely behind the secure door I told her she was staying for a little holiday as dad needed to go into hospital ( which she can still relate to) and it wasn't safe for her to be alone.The reaction wasn't what I expected but I did manage to get her there.The welfare officer took over and said to stay away for awhile but the next day she phoned and asked me to come in. Hope all goes well Norman Take Care.
     
  8. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Norman

    You say what you have to say to ease the situation, be it a fib, or the truth.

    We had discussed it with mum over the preceeding weeks, and she had agreed, went to visit the home with us, and it went well. Whether she really understood we will never know.

    On the day, she knew she was moving, but didn't recognise the home from the previous visit when we arrived. She actually thought it was a nice hotel we were all visiting for the day:eek:

    The staff were fantastic, they could see that things were not going to go well if we stayed around, so they took mum for lunch, and told us to go. I felt dreadful doing a 'runner', but it was for the best. I telephoned when I arrived home, mum had a good lunch, and was sat chatting with the staff. I telephoned around 10:30pm and she was fast asleep.

    The staff also advised that I didn't visit for a while, but I phoned everyday, sometimes twice a day, and she was fine.

    I am sure you will handle it in the best possible way.

    Be brave

    Love
    Cate
     
  9. Lonestray

    Lonestray Registered User

    Aug 3, 2006
    236
    Hereford
    Nener say Never

    Icare2,
    In the very begining I uttered those words, "I'll never put you away". It's somthing I'll never forget and it came back to haunt me.

    My wife Jean, was then able to walk and talk, I told her we were going to a party, that was true. It was being held at the local Alzheimer's society, with tea, cakes, balloons etc.

    To my surprise Jean refused to enter the building. When the lady in charge came out to invite us in, Jean was adamant, she was not going in. After a lot of coaxing we went around the back to sit in the garden and take tea.

    We passed through the building to leave for home, outside: "What was all that about, I've never seen you so upset in all the years we've been together?"
    The simple haunting answer, many of you will have heard:
    "Your trying to put me away".

    I felt crushed and deeply hurt, "I could not, nor would ever do that, how could I live without you, I'd be like a dog sitting on the lawn outside, lost without you"
    So long as I live I'll recall that scene and the broken promise.

    About seven years later I placed her in a NH. So I know the pain and devastation of having to part from a loved one when there's no other option. I'm not one to hug my children, but when it came to taking that action, I cried like a child and lifted my arm for comfort from our daughter.

    My case I know is a one off, in that I got a second chance and now care for her alone, and I mean on my own. Even though we have moved into our fifth year since leaving the NH, each day is to be enjoyed. I always expect the unexpected but 'never say never' again.

    My very best wishes to those who have reached that stage where the burden of caring has become intolerable and need to retain their sanity and health by easing the load but not the pain of placing their loved ones in a NH. God love ye all. Padraig
     
  10. Mummy's Girl

    Mummy's Girl Registered User

    Oct 27, 2006
    26
    Wigan
    Hello again Norman

    The manager of the care home we've chosen for mum has told us not to tell her anything about what is actually happening. She will do a home visit and explain to mum that her consultant (Dr W) is concerned that her medication is not working as well as it should and she needs to be admitted to a specialist unit /hospital for a couple of weeks while they sort it. The manager said that this 2 weeks is usually long enough to get the person into a routine and settled into the home.

    she will resist it, but I'm sure that the manager will have faced resistant clients many times before. We are getting the ball rolling tomorrow morning. I'm still feeling sad as I've had mum here all day and she's had a good day. She's been animated and involved and even recalled some things that have happened earlier :( But she is still not safe alone... so we have to go ahead with it. Sigh.

    Karen
     
  11. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    In my view, Karen's reply is spot on and it sounds as if the care home manager is a good one.

    Doesn't make it any less heartbreaking, but the paramount thing is their peace of mind.
     
  12. Tina

    Tina Registered User

    May 19, 2006
    420
    Can't say much Norman, just thinking of you and Peg.

    Much love,
    Tina
     
  13. gillian69

    gillian69 Registered User

    Sep 7, 2006
    42
    Cambridgeshire
    i dread the day!

    HI

    I dread the day that this happens for my dad. And if it did i would act.
    I work in welfare and have talked with many people were this has happened to them because they cannot cope.
    This is not a nice situation! How can they take people from their home, with people that care the most??

    Gillian
     
  14. mollieblue

    mollieblue Registered User

    May 16, 2007
    37
    belfast
    Hi Norman, i'm sorry to say we're in a similar situation with my mum too. It's so hard to deal with.

    Mums vascular dementia means that she still has some aspects of seeming normal function (or so she thinks). But we're past the stage were she can be reasoned with and when the subject of NH is brought up she gets aggitated and upset (quite understandable) and no amount of reasoning helps her attitude is simple. SHES NOT GOING!

    both my brother and I are suffering stress induced depression and she is (we feel) at the stage were she shouldn't be on her own. But we both work and she's alone most days for hours at a time. My brother lives with her and checks on her on his work lunch break.

    He's getting married soon so this really would be the best time for mum to get setteled so the worry would be lessened but baby steps I guess!:)

    Having read through the previous posts some of the suggestions are helpful but each of us know our own loved ones best. I guess we'll figure it out when the time comes.

    be strong and of good courage. And I'll try too! Ann x:)
     
  15. Natashalou

    Natashalou Registered User

    Mar 22, 2007
    426
    london
    I am not sure that any tactic or amount of preperation leads to a trouble free move, although it is encouraging to read the occasioanl stories where all goes well!
    My mother was in hospital for a long time before going into a NH, and I thought I had fully explained to her what was happening, I had even written it all down for her to read through when I wasnt there.
    Prior to her discharge we had a planning meeting where it was all gone into again, and she even signed papers about it.
    However on the day of admission she went totally ballistic. It took four staff members to get her, physically, inside. It was horrific.
    She is, to this day, adamant she was told by everyone she was coming to live with me.
    In the early days I tried to reason with her and explain why this would never have been possible, but she had all the details worked out, where she was sleeping in my house, what furniture she was having, etc etc
    This may be an extreme case, but certainly no amount of preperation worked with her:mad:
     
  16. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,550
    Kent
    Dear Natasha, what a dreadful experience for you, as well as your mother.

    It`s one more demonstration of the unreliability of the demented mind, and how inclusion is not the best idea when forward planning.

    You did what you did with the best intentions and it all went wrong. How upsetting.

    Love xx
     
  17. mollieblue

    mollieblue Registered User

    May 16, 2007
    37
    belfast
    Natasha, I agree that unfortunately things get distorted or made up in therir heads and in their eyes are fact. my dad died of a heart attack 14 years ago and my mum (who now has V dementia) is total sure that "the last thing you daddy told David (my big brother) was to look after your mum and then he passed away". The truth of it is I had taken her home from the hospital for a rest as we'd beensitting with him over night. David had been the only one with him when he passed and by the time mum and i got back he'd gone.:(

    Any time shes upset or angry with either of us (especially david whom she lives with ) she'll say this and it really feels so hurtful! Almost malicious!

    Some one recently on TP told me to remember that its her disease talking and not really my mum so I have to say that this has been my mantra lately and it does help!
    love ann;)
     
  18. nikita

    nikita Registered User

    Jul 31, 2004
    92
    when gran went into a home she soon forgot that she had lived any where else and was quite proud of the fact her dad had decorated all of the lounge, sending you a big hug at this difficut time, you are doing the best for you and peg
     

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