Going into a home

[pitt2012]

Hello everyone, I've had this account for about a year and this is the first time I have ever posted, so this may be a lot of information rolled into one post.

My nan has Alzheimer's and vascular dementia. My auntie is my Nan's full time carer.
My auntie has done so well to get this far in keeping my nan safe and well cared for but unfortunately things are getter to much for her, and we are worried for my aunts health.

My auntie lives in her house and my nan lives in the granny annexe on the side but unfortunately nan keeps getting up at night and falling over.

Nan starts the day off ok at about midday when she wakes up and things deteriorate as the day goes on. By about 4pm my nan wants to go home and wants her mum and dad to pick her up. This then results in my nan trying to leave the house and when my aunt tries to stop her for her own safety nan lashes out.

My aunt has been dealing with this pretty much every day now for the last couple of months,it's just getting to her to much.

The decision was made by my aunt and my mum (Nan's only children) to put my nan in to emergency restbite.
The social worker came round today to talk the family through it and they will try and get nan into a home Monday.

I'm so frightened and worried as I love my nan so very much and I don't want her to be scared or worried, can anyone here give me an idea of how she may react When we get to the home or what to expect???

Any advice would be much much appreciated

Xx

 

[Dazmum]

Hello Pitt and welcome. It's hard to know how your nan may react as everyone is so different. Does she know she is going, will she understand that it is to give your aunt a rest? Or, depending on how much she understands, it might be an idea to tell her that she's going for a little holiday, or that she needs to stay somewhere else while work is being done to the house? Reassure her that it is only for a little while - are you going to tell her before, or one the day - we had to tell mum a couple of times, with hindsight I think we should have done it the once on the morning of her going.

One piece of advice that I had which worked really well, was that we took mum in literally just before lunch, and the manager and a carer came to welcome her and took her off into the dining room, while we put her things away and left. Saying goodbye can be a difficult time, so I generally leave just before a meal.

I'm sure others will be along with advice too. It's a hard time and I do feel for you all. It may take your auntie a few days to settle too and relax, so maybe do some nice things with her if she wants to as she will probably be worrying. Carefully suggest that she limits her calls to the home, as if your Nan isn't settling, telling your aunt that won't help her to gain all the rest she can from this respite. I hope all goes well, and come back and let us know. xx

 

[pitt2012]

Thank you for responding to my post its nice to know there is so many kind people out there, and its reassuring to hear you say certain things. i was thinking along the same lines about saying there's work being done on the house. I think this is something my nan will understand. I will take on board what you said about leaving at meal times, as distraction always works with nan, I just worry as she has never been one to mix with other people other than family or people she used to work with (many many years ago, she often thinks she's still there)

Unfortunately this has all happened on the weekend of my Nan's birthday to make things worse. She will be 81, so we are all going to try and spend Sunday all together as a family, all 5 grandchildren.

I will write back on Monday letting you know how we went about telling her, and how it went.

Thank you again for taking your time to respond to me, its nice to be able to talk to someone who has been in the same boat xx

 

[starryuk]

Hello Pit,

I just want to wish you all well when the time comes for your nan to go on her 'holiday'.

Do let us know how it goes. It will be good for your auntie to be relieved of some of the worry of keeping your nan safe.

 

[Dazmum]

Hi Pitt, glad to be able to offer some help. Maybe you or your mum or auntie could let the home know your nan likes to be quiet too, and the type of things she likes to do. My mum still thinks she works too, she is 84 and often says she's been busy at work and tells me what people have said.

I hope your nan has a lovely birthday with you all, and you should all try not to worry,try and keep everyone calm and quiet, and I bet it will go smoothly as the home staff are used to welcoming people and the potential problems. If your auntie is upset or feels guilty, let her know that by doing this she will feel better able to look after her mum when she does come back.

Good luck, and I'll be thinking of you on Monday xx

 

[Dazmum]

Thinking of your family today Pitt x

 

[CollegeGirl]

Pitt, I'm sorry I missed your first post on the forum, and would like to say welcome from me too, and that I'm sorry you're so worried about both your Nan and your Auntie.

I hope things have gone well for you all today, do let us know how you got on. It's a big change for everyone.

Unfortunately my own mam, with Alzheimer's, is beyond being informed whe she goes into respite - she wouldn't understand, and would refuse - so my dad simply has to take her and leave as quickly as he can. It's upsetting for them both.

Fingers crossed for you all.

 

[Care.daughter]

We just phased the same situation a couple of weeks ago. My dad was living alone under the watch of two carers (no family members). I can go on and on with so many scenarios where my dad phased danger and wanted to do just as he wished, but will skip it. In short, he really needed a place to be more secured and better taken care of. I always thought the care home will be the last place where he will go, or when he was no longer able to walk or talk, but it had to come sooner than those plans and just a couple of weeks ago I had to take him to the home. I tried to explained him a couple of times prior that day, and during our ride, but he never understood or listened to me closely.
Now it is hard to explain to him that that is a better home to be at, he is eating balanced meals which he was in urgent need and the place has a lot of professionals whom know what to do in different scenarios. My heart is still broken but somehow I feel a little inner piece because of the above. Once he is tired of the same excuses we are giving him, I will use the house remodeling version. We will see.

Hope you enjoyed the family meeting with her. We did the same the Sunday before taking him and prayed together. He never knew what was going on
In my case this also affected a birthday (mine) and missed talking to him and letting him know it was supposed to be my special day. Still learning a bunch and see how are we going to surpass more to come. Time will heal all, that is my wish.

Good luck.

 

[pitt2012]

Hello everyone, I'm finally able to update you all on our situation with my nan.

I can honestly say it was the hardest thing any of us have ever had to do, and it truly broke my heart.

We didn't know how to explain to my nan that she would have to stay at the home, without her saying no, in the end the home manager asked to speak to my nan in private and that was our Que to leave. It was just horrible.

We was told to leave it a few day before visiting, so that nan could settle in, and much to our surprise she did...very quickly.
So today my mum and I decided to visit, nan seemed well, quite chirpy in fact but she seemed to be talking utter nonsense nothing made sense at all..it was like she had 'verbal diarrhoea'. Does anyone have any idea why this could be? She always talked nonsense every now and then but this was on anther level. A complete change since Monday when we left her. So obviously we are concerned as to why. Could it be the fact that she has had lack of sleep?

Thank you to all of you for your well wishes on Monday xxxxxxx

 

[Dazmum]

Hi Pitt, I am sorry; it is without doubt, one of the hardest things you have to do. People talk about death, divorce and moving house being stressful, having done it, I would put making the decision about a care home up there in that list too.

I'm glad your nan has settled, but I'm not sure I have any suggestions about her speech, maybe she was just excited and pleased to see you and having trouble getting her words out right? Could be lack of sleep, my mum didn't sleep for weeks when she first went. What do the home say about her sleeping and her speech?

Caredaughter, I hope things are getting better for you. It does make you feel easier in your mind to know that your relative is safe and being well looked after.

 

[Witzend]

Just a thought, but could the 'verbal diarrhoea' be down to a TIA? These are I believe mini strokes and associated with VasDem. I know my father in law had a couple, although we didn't know what they were at the time. He was suddenly talking complete gibberish, but his speech did recover quite quickly.