Going into a home

[Katy44]

I just wanted to say hello to everyone and wish everyone the best for the new year. I haven't posted for ages but have read posts and have gone to reply - but my replies always sounded so pointless and stupid. I have been thinking of you all though.
I haven't posted for a while because my Grandma went into a home earlier this year. It was a very stressful time, especially as she went straight there from hospital. However, looking back it was a very good thing. Our main problem was that she constantly wanted to walk outside and got extremely angry if people tried to stop her. Now, although she wants to get out of the home ,she no longer seems to get too angry with anyone.
Anyway, it certainly hasn't been easy or straightforward but I just wanted to let anyone who is facing this type of decision that for us, it has definitely been the best decision. She is settled, well looked after and as happy as possible I think. She comes to my Mum's or my Aunt's most weekends for lunch and although she's only out for a couple of hours, seems to enjoy it.

 

[Brucie]

Hi Katy

but my replies always sounded so pointless and stupid

Never feel that. The number of times I have felt the same but posted anyway, then have had 'thank you' posts from other people who clearly didn't think the replies so bad.

Never feel that way and in any case, often just posting a reply makes us feel better, even if it doesn't help others, and that's a win in anyone's book!

 

[BeckyJan]

Thank you for that Katy and Brucie - I always feel my postings are stupid!! - but they do make one feel better - its like thinking aloud,but, with very sympathetic people listening. I have had a dreadful few weeks just seeing a deterioration which suddenly seems to be speeding up. A CPN came yesterday and thankfully D has accepted a day at the local centre albeit with some people he already knows (what a thing to look forward to - day without my husband - years ago I couldn't bear to be without him). They have asked him to give it a go for six weeks and then to judge whether he wants to continue. He has become so dependent on me I am just hoping he will adjust.

Hope everyone has a reasonable 2006 BeckyJan

 

[Lynne]

Katy & BeckyJan

I so agree with you about this board being similar to thinking aloud to sympathetic listeners. I also find that putting my thoughts on screen seems to clarify them somehow (used to be putting them on paper, same effect) ; sometimes if I just think them - especially in an emotionally charged scenario - they just seem to round & round in my head endlessly, usually when I ought to be going to sleep.
Please don't be self-conscious about posting 'ordinary' thoughts, sometimes ordinary can be a great relief from the unpredictable situations thrown at carers.

And please BeckyJan, don't make yourself feel bad about appreciating the benefit to yourself of day-care for your husband. If you are to continue to care for him, you have to keep yourself strong & healthy, mentally as well as physically, and for that you need a little R&R. Admitting that need and acting on it isn't a betrayal of your love together, it's just what needs to be done to cope with the circumstances forced upon you. You say yourself, "He has become so dependent on me" and that is an undesirable development. You are going to need the assistance of other people in the future, so it is as well to take steps to prevent him withdrawing from the outside world & becoming fixated on you alone.

 

[Jude]

Dear Katy,

It's lovely to hear from you after such a long break. I'm so glad to know that everything has worked out for the best.

Do keep in touch.

Jude

 

[Katy44]

Hello everyone,
My new year's resolution is just to reply to posts, so here goes!

Firstly, Jude, I was very sorry to hear about the loss of your uncle, my thoughts are with you.

Thanks to everyone for your replies, I just really wanted to make it known that although a home seems like such a big and scary step it can work out well, even if it doesn't seem to be working initially. - or at least it has in this case!!
BeckyJan, how are things? Has your husband been to the centre yet/ How did it go?

 

[Amy]

Hi anyone out there? Should be happy but feeling wretched. Nursing home (who didn't thik they had a vacancy until March at the earliest )have phoned to say that one has cropped up. So mum to go in on Tuesday. I feel as though I've lost a bit more of her. If I stopped work I could be there to care for her. I don't want to let her go, but dad cannot cope any longer. I've just driven home from dad's, and realised it may be that mum doesn't visit here again. Ifeel guilty that mum is not going to be with people who love her; I don't want her tro be alone. Outsiders can be so logical about the situation. I know that it is best for dad, and mum needs nursing care, but that doesn't make it easier. The tears are just flowing.
Amy

 

[daughter]

Hi Amy,

You're right, knowing it's for the best doesn't make it any easier, does it? I remember feeling this way when my Dad went into his Home. After my Mum, sister and myself had gone to look around the Home, we had expected to wait while Dad was put on a list, but a room became available quite soon afterwards. Even though it needed to happen, it just all seemed too quick. Still, I'm sure even if we had waited months, we would never have accepted it easily.

Thinking of you, {hugs}

 

[patriciacolliso]

amy

I Feel So Sorry For You, I Was Just The Same When Mt Husband Went Into A Home On The First Of Dec., It Takes Such A Long Time To Get Over The Guiltly Feeling .there Is Not A Day When I Don,t Cry Myself. My Husband Has Ad. I Go To Visit Him Every Other Day, And Each Time He Says When Am I Coming Home. I Have To Make Up White Lies To Him. And When I Come Away I Always Feel Terrible. It Is Extra Hard ,because I Am Now On My Own ,so I Know How You Must Be Feeling. Keeo Your Chin Up All The Best.

 

[Katy44]

Hi Amy,
When my Grandma went into a home my mum was very upset saying "that's the last time she'll ever be in .... mum's home /Aunt's home etc". We had such a struggle to get her there (she was sectioned first) and she made some horrible comments on the day Mum drove her from the hospital to the home. We never thought she'd be able to leave for visits as we thought it would be impossible to get her to agree to go back.
It was like that for the first few weeks, but then somehow she calmed down. Now she visits my Mum's and Aunt's quite often and really seems to enjoy spending time with us and my Grandad (who she took out all her frustration and anger out on before).
If your Dad is anything like my Grandad was then this is definitely for the best. My Grandad was permanently stressed from trying to prevent Grandma wandering off, trying to placate her, trying to ensure she was washed and eating properly and then trying to do everything else as well (e.g. housework, pay bills). If it had gone on much longer he may have become seriously ill. My mum lived on a knife edge waiting for the phone to ring in the middle of the night to say Grandma had left and refused to come back and was wandering the streets.
Now she is in a nursing home she seems to have settled well (it took a while) she is eating and being showered and Grandad and Mum can relax a little. Someone (Grandad) visits her every day. Also, she is in a secure ward and can't get out, however although she still makes comments like "Let's go to the shops" she doesn't get worked up about it any more or try the door.
Anyway, what I suppose I'm trying to say is that although it is a big emotional step to move your Mum to a nursing home I am certain it will be for the best. You will look back in 6 months and not regret it.
Good luck for tomorrow please let us know how it goes. Our 'moving day' was awful, and it's only got MUCH better from there.
Thinking of you

Patricia, I know what you mean about leaving - we usually ask the staff to distract her and then leave without saying goodbye it upsets me every time but at least it doesn't distress HER which it would if we said bye and then left.