Going crazy!
- Thread starter jc141265
- Start date
Dave, see my earlier thread - re Naples.
Italy has always been my favorite destination. I enjoyed so many happy years there with my late husband, and was priviledged to introduce Lionel to this wonderful country. ENJOY!
Connie
Italy has always been my favorite destination. I enjoyed so many happy years there with my late husband, and was priviledged to introduce Lionel to this wonderful country. ENJOY!
Connie
Er, best not to have too many people speaking about Italy, lest we end up with the Daily Mail suggesting a means of avoiding getting dementia is by not going to Italy.... 
Rummy,
I very did nearly feel like telling you to eat your words, but I know you meant well and in actual fact you are right in that I control my world.
I actually think that in a way I intentionally cause all my troubles using the feeling like ***** thing, simply as a distraction. I kind of do this consciously and subconsiously. If I didn't have all my own problems I really don't know if I could keep going, keep caring for Dad. Sounds weird I know, how could having one's own problems help one cope with this situation, but...it seems to work for me.
I think I avoid sleeping properly because I know if I relax I will fall apart, I think I avoid getting 'in the mood' because it means letting down the walls, and again with what I fear would be regrettable results. Thats not saying I can never sleep nor feel good again until my father dies, but sometimes when things get tough for a while thats the way I have learnt to cope with this situation. Don't sleep, don't think about it deeply, don't let oneself think about how sad this is all making me, but instead get shirty about not being able to sleep, (but manage to get so much work done because I'm not) worry that I need to look after myself so that I can keep working, get myself motivated to simply survive in my own world for a while (I panic that if the pain doesn't go away, the sleep doesn't come, I really will fall apart) and suddenly I find that after a few months I've just gotten through another really difficult period with Dad.
I guess you could say its a kind of distraction, a way to keep functioning, not quite denying what is the reality, Dad's dementia, but being to busy too stressed to let it really touch me, touch me deep, where when it does so, I find I can't cope. My insomnia, my lack of libido, my stress are all walls and barriers I put up to keep going. I cause my what leads to me feeling like *****, and it becomes a bit of a vicious circle where one has to be careful that what my subconscious does to me to keep my adrenaline running so I can keep coping doesn't actually lead to enough trouble that I end up physically, emotionally and mentally falling apart anyway. It is a daring balancing act, living on the edge, but I have to say I've become quite adept at it...
I know I know I will get lectured about this is not the way to cope, but honestly until you've walked in my shoes (and we all have different sizes) I really don't think one can honestly say that. I do know one other alternative, I could simply walk away from it all, I know its possible, I've done it in the past in other situations, but I feel that my father was my protector when I was little, and made me feel so safe and loved, that there is no question that now when he needs to feel protected, safe and loved, I should be giving that to him.
I went to a psychologist about it all, and she couldn't help me...she tried getting me to do relaxation exercises but they freaked me out, my mind just refused to do it and my reaction was at first nervous giggling and then tears and asking her not to try it anymore. My Dad may not have wanted me to do things like this, but he never would have wanted dementia either...and as I often say to him if he looks worried about me during the odd lucid moment, 'You would have done the same, if the shoe were on the other foot.'
One thing I'm glad of, is that I did post this thread, because not only did I want to rid myself of some of the angst by spitting it all out on screen, but also I am glad that others have seen that they are not alone when they feel like they are struggling to cope.
I very did nearly feel like telling you to eat your words,
but I know you meant well and in actual fact you are right in that I control my world.I actually think that in a way I intentionally cause all my troubles using the feeling like ***** thing, simply as a distraction. I kind of do this consciously and subconsiously. If I didn't have all my own problems I really don't know if I could keep going, keep caring for Dad. Sounds weird I know, how could having one's own problems help one cope with this situation, but...it seems to work for me.
I think I avoid sleeping properly because I know if I relax I will fall apart, I think I avoid getting 'in the mood' because it means letting down the walls, and again with what I fear would be regrettable results. Thats not saying I can never sleep nor feel good again until my father dies, but sometimes when things get tough for a while thats the way I have learnt to cope with this situation. Don't sleep, don't think about it deeply, don't let oneself think about how sad this is all making me, but instead get shirty about not being able to sleep, (but manage to get so much work done because I'm not) worry that I need to look after myself so that I can keep working, get myself motivated to simply survive in my own world for a while (I panic that if the pain doesn't go away, the sleep doesn't come, I really will fall apart) and suddenly I find that after a few months I've just gotten through another really difficult period with Dad.
I guess you could say its a kind of distraction, a way to keep functioning, not quite denying what is the reality, Dad's dementia, but being to busy too stressed to let it really touch me, touch me deep, where when it does so, I find I can't cope. My insomnia, my lack of libido, my stress are all walls and barriers I put up to keep going. I cause my what leads to me feeling like *****, and it becomes a bit of a vicious circle where one has to be careful that what my subconscious does to me to keep my adrenaline running so I can keep coping doesn't actually lead to enough trouble that I end up physically, emotionally and mentally falling apart anyway. It is a daring balancing act, living on the edge, but I have to say I've become quite adept at it...
I know I know I will get lectured about this is not the way to cope, but honestly until you've walked in my shoes (and we all have different sizes) I really don't think one can honestly say that. I do know one other alternative, I could simply walk away from it all, I know its possible, I've done it in the past in other situations, but I feel that my father was my protector when I was little, and made me feel so safe and loved, that there is no question that now when he needs to feel protected, safe and loved, I should be giving that to him.
I went to a psychologist about it all, and she couldn't help me...she tried getting me to do relaxation exercises but they freaked me out, my mind just refused to do it and my reaction was at first nervous giggling and then tears and asking her not to try it anymore. My Dad may not have wanted me to do things like this, but he never would have wanted dementia either...and as I often say to him if he looks worried about me during the odd lucid moment, 'You would have done the same, if the shoe were on the other foot.'
One thing I'm glad of, is that I did post this thread, because not only did I want to rid myself of some of the angst by spitting it all out on screen, but also I am glad that others have seen that they are not alone when they feel like they are struggling to cope.
Hiya Nat,
That was a courageous and honest post. Do you sometimes get scared that if you stop feeling all the angst, then you will end up feeling nothing at all? And the pain is better than the nothingness because at least you know that you are alive and that you care. The choice doesn't seem to be between pain and joy a lot of the time, but pain and deadness. I so know what you mean about keeping the adrenaline going; fearing that if you stop you might not get going again. The thing is I did get to the point where my mind forced me to stop, and at that point the pain of my mum hit me, I sobbed that I did not know where she was; the one person who really understood was a friend whose now adult daughter had suffered severe brain damage as a child due to meningitis. Don't know why I said all that, starting to waffle, so I'll go. The thing is, I was forced to stop, I did have to let the pain of mum hit me in the guts, but I'm still here, probably don't function quite as well as I used to, but I'm OK.
Take care Nat.
Love from
Amy
That was a courageous and honest post. Do you sometimes get scared that if you stop feeling all the angst, then you will end up feeling nothing at all? And the pain is better than the nothingness because at least you know that you are alive and that you care. The choice doesn't seem to be between pain and joy a lot of the time, but pain and deadness. I so know what you mean about keeping the adrenaline going; fearing that if you stop you might not get going again. The thing is I did get to the point where my mind forced me to stop, and at that point the pain of my mum hit me, I sobbed that I did not know where she was; the one person who really understood was a friend whose now adult daughter had suffered severe brain damage as a child due to meningitis. Don't know why I said all that, starting to waffle, so I'll go. The thing is, I was forced to stop, I did have to let the pain of mum hit me in the guts, but I'm still here, probably don't function quite as well as I used to, but I'm OK.
Take care Nat.
Love from
Amy
Stress and allergies
I felt so ill too I tried a detox diet, the headaches, tiredness and ear buzzing all improved. Since 'eating normally' again these 'stress symptoms' have all returned so now I am going back on detox to gradually work out what food I am sensitive to. Definately worth a try as in order to cope with the stress of being an alzheimers carer we need to be at our best too!
I felt so ill too I tried a detox diet, the headaches, tiredness and ear buzzing all improved. Since 'eating normally' again these 'stress symptoms' have all returned so now I am going back on detox to gradually work out what food I am sensitive to. Definately worth a try as in order to cope with the stress of being an alzheimers carer we need to be at our best too!
Oh I've been down the food sensitivities path and truly believe in it...I can't eat white processed bread it sends me mental, honest to god, I don't know what it is in it, but there are a few things that I react really bad too....and as for the fear of falling apart...I've done it, again and again, fell aprat that is...what I'm trying to say is that I find balancing in the edge as long as I can, easier than climbing out of the hole that I fall into if I don't manage to pull off the tightrope walk...the hole gives me nightmares, its a bloody long way out. I'm sure many of you can attest to that! Before Dad I was already concerned about my mental stability, have always been labelled the sensitive type, who thinks too much, who is over-emotional (its what makes me a nice person by the way, so I don't hate my weaknesses), however I don't think I can afford to fall into that hole too many times, one day I might just be too tired to bother climbing out again???
jc141265 said:
I too have aways been labeled the over sensitive emotional one in the family. It is also what probably makes me the best one to be the care taker out of all my siblings. I think because we are sensitive, it is more of a challenge to stay balanced. And yes, you are the only one that knows how you feel and what you need to do to cope. I won't tell you that you don't have a right to handle things any way you want to. Just know that I at least can relate to you. When I was sixteen and my Dad was dying of cancer, I developed a whopping ulcer and then have suffered my entire adulthood trying to deal with the grief. Even so, dealing with AD is so much worse......the slow goodby.
Just know that alot of people here care what happens to you and please vent away. Lots of good listeners here!
Take care Nat,
Debbie
I was very lucky to find sailing on the sea... a bit like going to the Gym or climbing or something that is physically as well as mentally demanding - (demanding simply means its harder than watching TV) really can help people to see the world a little more simply.
One of the problems of stress - mental stress is it just goes around and we all know what goes around comes around.....
Around my late 30s early 40's colleagues in my racket were dropping from heart attacks - 9 in one year I remember. I went sailing - mainly by myself and the demands of that stopped me worrying about the 'other' things... don't know if it works for girls as well but I have certainly found going out doing something totally different for a few hours a week really helps to keep a sense of proportion....
Trouble with AD is that you can see the 'escape hatch' but its not always easy to make the time to look out of it now and then.....
Michael
One of the problems of stress - mental stress is it just goes around and we all know what goes around comes around.....
Around my late 30s early 40's colleagues in my racket were dropping from heart attacks - 9 in one year I remember. I went sailing - mainly by myself and the demands of that stopped me worrying about the 'other' things... don't know if it works for girls as well but I have certainly found going out doing something totally different for a few hours a week really helps to keep a sense of proportion....
Trouble with AD is that you can see the 'escape hatch' but its not always easy to make the time to look out of it now and then.....
Michael
Michael,
I've done just enough sailing to understand what your saying. My husband found it to be a great getaway but I thought it was more work than anything since I was the designated "deck ape". I was in terrific shape from climbing all over the boat though! Now, we take off on our motorcycle. Not much work involved in hanging on but it is a great escape!
Personally though, my stress releaver is to meditate a bit, pray a bit and work in the yard. You know what kind of day I'm having by how many weeds I pull! I mostly just try to not get in a stressful state, and then I don't have to work so hard to get out of it. It's much easier to just let myself go "down" than to work to stay "up" but the outcome is worth it.
Hope your sheets are tight and you have some good wind!
Debbie
I've done just enough sailing to understand what your saying. My husband found it to be a great getaway but I thought it was more work than anything since I was the designated "deck ape". I was in terrific shape from climbing all over the boat though! Now, we take off on our motorcycle. Not much work involved in hanging on but it is a great escape!
Personally though, my stress releaver is to meditate a bit, pray a bit and work in the yard. You know what kind of day I'm having by how many weeds I pull! I mostly just try to not get in a stressful state, and then I don't have to work so hard to get out of it. It's much easier to just let myself go "down" than to work to stay "up" but the outcome is worth it.
Hope your sheets are tight and you have some good wind!
Debbie
Hiya Debbie and Michael,
I've been out and taken a lump hammer to a concrete coal bunker that needs demolishing, then took my eldest to the pub where he works on an evening and went and sat near a lovely fire and had a drink and a sticky piece of chocolate cake. No good for me, but does seem to have got rid of some of the tension that I have been feeling today.
Amy
I've been out and taken a lump hammer to a concrete coal bunker that needs demolishing, then took my eldest to the pub where he works on an evening and went and sat near a lovely fire and had a drink and a sticky piece of chocolate cake. No good for me, but does seem to have got rid of some of the tension that I have been feeling today.
Amy
["Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take
Rummy hi,
I have this great image of you on the back of the 'bike' - is it something like a Harley? Laid back or is it up straight and 'serious' biking????
I think you do understand what I was trying to say - too much thinking about something is - I think - not a good thing. If you can weed a garden, fly a kite, ride a bike or sail a boat you have a better chance of .... whatever.
As for my sheets I am busy washing them - well the machine is - they tend to get a bit soiled now and then and I really have to change them the moment I see it !
Love your signature - ["Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away."] Not sure what it means but it sounds sexy as hell!!
fair winds and safe landfalls
Michael
Rummy hi,
I have this great image of you on the back of the 'bike' - is it something like a Harley? Laid back or is it up straight and 'serious' biking????
I think you do understand what I was trying to say - too much thinking about something is - I think - not a good thing. If you can weed a garden, fly a kite, ride a bike or sail a boat you have a better chance of .... whatever.
As for my sheets I am busy washing them - well the machine is - they tend to get a bit soiled now and then and I really have to change them the moment I see it !
Love your signature - ["Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away."] Not sure what it means but it sounds sexy as hell!!
fair winds and safe landfalls
Michael
Both bored
amy hi,
that's the 2nd time our posts have crossed in 5 minutes - both of us a bit bored - bit sad and a bit 'in our cups'....
I have just cooked and fed Monique and I and the wine is going well. Monique is anticipating MILLIONAIRE and I am - well - Strange she cannot remember who our daughter Veronique is - she arrives tomorrow with her v nice boy friend but Cris Tarrent and his questions and dosh are a weekly highlight!! Strange isn't it?
Have a good evening, and another little drink,
Cheers
love
Michael
amy hi,
that's the 2nd time our posts have crossed in 5 minutes - both of us a bit bored - bit sad and a bit 'in our cups'....
I have just cooked and fed Monique and I and the wine is going well. Monique is anticipating MILLIONAIRE and I am - well - Strange she cannot remember who our daughter Veronique is - she arrives tomorrow with her v nice boy friend but Cris Tarrent and his questions and dosh are a weekly highlight!! Strange isn't it?
Have a good evening, and another little drink,
Cheers
love
Michael
I find to go out and do something different,and physical if possible helps the stress.
I do get some time now that we have a proper care package and I try to enjoy the time that I have.
I play bowls outside in Summer inside in Winter.
I spend hours in the garden doing all sorts,the weekly wash is good exercise,plenty of stretching to hang out clothes.
Birdwatching passes hours away.
Sailing? I did mine deep sea as a job
Golf ?the knees do not permit this any longer.
This is all fine but the guilt monster is always there,the thought that this is not what I want ,I want to do all these things but to do them together with Peg.
I do manage to slip away from the feelings for a while but they always come back
Norman.
I do get some time now that we have a proper care package and I try to enjoy the time that I have.
I play bowls outside in Summer inside in Winter.
I spend hours in the garden doing all sorts,the weekly wash is good exercise,plenty of stretching to hang out clothes.
Birdwatching passes hours away.
Sailing? I did mine deep sea as a job
Golf ?the knees do not permit this any longer.
This is all fine but the guilt monster is always there,the thought that this is not what I want ,I want to do all these things but to do them together with Peg.
I do manage to slip away from the feelings for a while but they always come back
Norman.
The Escape Hatch
Interesting posts, and glad to hear most of us find some temporary escape hatch occasionaly - or at least recognise there is one (I think just knowing it's possible is a help: it might not be available immediately, but if you know it's there ...).
I get the impression finding anything that requires or induces total absorption is the answer. Something I've always found hard in itself - I'm both a bit of a butterfly and someone who tends to 'overintellectualise' (headstrong but fainthearted might be a good description!)
I go sailing as my partner owns a share in a boat and is sailing mad, but I came to it at 44 and can't swim, so I find it more nerve wracking that relaxing: I go to be the chef - cooking for 6 in a yacht galley is certainly one way of inducing total concentration. I have vivd memories of chasing a pumpkin round the table to chop it up to make soup, which is surprisingly tricky at a 30 degree angle in a heavy sea. As born wuss, sitting on the bow with a decent meal a glass of Pimms watching the sun set over a peaceful harbour is my favourite bit!
For me, total escape is the guitar. (And I suspect making music is a good venting mechanism too!) A couple of times over the last few months I've played till I've been literally grating the skin off the ends of the fingers of my left hand - my finertips are calloused from so many years of playing that after a couple of hours the frets are working like a grater on a stale lump of parmesan. (What a lovely image!).
But I am looking forward to be it being warm enough to work in the garden again - I grow Japanese maples and am slowly turning our garden into a little haven for my zen daydream. One of my ambitions is to see the gardens of the moss temple in Kyoto - could be fun, as I think you need special permission to even enter - but I have a wonderful documentary about them on video. 15th century zen planning that nature has reclaimed. As the song runs, "You gotta have a dream".
Interesting posts, and glad to hear most of us find some temporary escape hatch occasionaly - or at least recognise there is one (I think just knowing it's possible is a help: it might not be available immediately, but if you know it's there ...).
I get the impression finding anything that requires or induces total absorption is the answer. Something I've always found hard in itself - I'm both a bit of a butterfly and someone who tends to 'overintellectualise' (headstrong but fainthearted might be a good description!)
I go sailing as my partner owns a share in a boat and is sailing mad, but I came to it at 44 and can't swim, so I find it more nerve wracking that relaxing: I go to be the chef - cooking for 6 in a yacht galley is certainly one way of inducing total concentration. I have vivd memories of chasing a pumpkin round the table to chop it up to make soup, which is surprisingly tricky at a 30 degree angle in a heavy sea. As born wuss, sitting on the bow with a decent meal a glass of Pimms watching the sun set over a peaceful harbour is my favourite bit!
For me, total escape is the guitar. (And I suspect making music is a good venting mechanism too!) A couple of times over the last few months I've played till I've been literally grating the skin off the ends of the fingers of my left hand - my finertips are calloused from so many years of playing that after a couple of hours the frets are working like a grater on a stale lump of parmesan. (What a lovely image!).
But I am looking forward to be it being warm enough to work in the garden again - I grow Japanese maples and am slowly turning our garden into a little haven for my zen daydream. One of my ambitions is to see the gardens of the moss temple in Kyoto - could be fun, as I think you need special permission to even enter - but I have a wonderful documentary about them on video. 15th century zen planning that nature has reclaimed. As the song runs, "You gotta have a dream".
Michael E said:
You asked for it, here is our Kawasaki Nomad 1600. I do have my license to drive but this one is too big for me, I can't hold it up which is kinda important! I want a little one for myself one day.
I am making myself a garden area where I can escape to. We have a thicket in our back yard where I can hide out. It is either that, or I'm building a tree house!
I bet the maples are gorgeous ! I'll just stick to the natural flora and maybe plant some shade loving flowers.
Too much time spent riding to plant much
Debboe
