After hearing nothing but loud angry shouting from my OH most of the day yesterday I was very annoyed to be told to just"go with the flow". The shouting was at the TV, the pet dog, the weather and of course me too. It seems as though nothing must disturb OH's routines, and if it does it sets him off in a foul temper. He even threw his reading glasses at me! Things don't flow in this house, they erupt. If only it was as simple as to "go with the flow". I try to avoid conflict but its driving me nuts.
go with the flow?
- Thread starter gladiola
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Hi gladiola, I’m so sorry things are difficult for you. It reminded me that last year a GP told me to “go with the flow” after me telling her how worried and scared I had been when my husband had walked out after getting very angry and aggressive - there is a lot of countryside around us, it was cold and wet - I found him after a couple of hours of driving round, he was actually making his way back home apologetic and wondering what all the fuss was about. If I remember rightly it was followed by “what will be will be”. To be fair I am sure she meant well. I’ve been awake since 3am trying to go with the flow and now he is sleeping soundly and I must ‘flow’ off to get some shopping. Take care
We are now into the seventh year since diagnosis and with hindsight it may well be good advice to go with the flow. All of the anxiety, angst and despair were on my side as my husband wandered, got lost, gave money away, lost skills, mobility and increasingly bigger chunks of his memory.
If I had let things happen without worrying, searching for him, calling the police, doing everything for him - what difference would that have made? Well he might have died, broken bones, ended up penniless, filthy or emaciated but I could have used the time to shop, file my nails or go out for coffee.
Yes, we should all just go with the flow and let our loved ones wander the streets in their underwear, harass the neighbours and then starve to death in squalor. What larks!
If I had let things happen without worrying, searching for him, calling the police, doing everything for him - what difference would that have made? Well he might have died, broken bones, ended up penniless, filthy or emaciated but I could have used the time to shop, file my nails or go out for coffee.
Yes, we should all just go with the flow and let our loved ones wander the streets in their underwear, harass the neighbours and then starve to death in squalor. What larks!
Well, you say that, but I believe, could be wrong that in some parts of the world they just stamp barcodes on the person's hand and let them wander ... Kindredxx
I wouldn’t be at all surprised. Microchips inserted in their shoulder will be next.
Go with the flow? Then there are those wonderful people who tell you to just love your PWD. Agree with everything they say, but most of all just love them.
Thank God for Talking Point and people who really know what it's like.
Thank God for Talking Point and people who really know what it's like.
`Go with the flow` can become a trite platitude if we`re not careful but also it can help if it`s allowed to help.
With regard to people with dementia, I see `go with the flow` as accepting the illness rather than trying to fight against it.
It doesn`t stop the heartache, the bending over backwards trying to keep the person with dementia on as even a keel as possible, the exhaustion or the sorrow.
It does save precious energy if we accept what we cannot change rather than allow feelings of resentment and anger against dementia to build up in ourselves.
That, for me, is `go with the flow`.
It doesn`t mean I wouldn`t be really cross if some thoughtless person suggested it in a glib comment after a period of some of the biggest challenges anyone can face.
With regard to people with dementia, I see `go with the flow` as accepting the illness rather than trying to fight against it.
It doesn`t stop the heartache, the bending over backwards trying to keep the person with dementia on as even a keel as possible, the exhaustion or the sorrow.
It does save precious energy if we accept what we cannot change rather than allow feelings of resentment and anger against dementia to build up in ourselves.
That, for me, is `go with the flow`.
It doesn`t mean I wouldn`t be really cross if some thoughtless person suggested it in a glib comment after a period of some of the biggest challenges anyone can face.
Thank you for your reply, I understand that people mean well when they say"go with the flow" but of course they are not in my position when angry and aggressive mood swings get going. What they see is my OH looking and sounding like a fairly normal human being, no angry outbursts or swearing at that particular time. I think this care giver job is the loneliest and most misunderstood job ever. But I will soldier on because I want to give the best care I can for someone who gave a lot of love and support before this illness changed our lives so much.
My understanding of going with the flow means that you don't sweat the small.stuff. But that means you need to decide for yourself just what the small stuff is. That is going to be different for each of us. For me, it's when he spills a whole cup of coffee and doesn't clean it up. So I have to check out all the drawers and clean up the mess. Annoying? Frustrating ? Absolutely! But does it make a major difference to my life as a whole? Not at all.
These seem to be the things that build into being 'the last straw'. But if you can ignore the small things, if you can dismiss the trivial things, then that straw that breaks the camel's back, comes along later rather than sooner. Settle on the really important things and discard the rest into 'Things that don't really change anything' file. Is it a world shattering event that they ask the same questions over and over?' You know that you haven't stolen the money because it was never there in the first place. So don't feel that you have to justify yourself.
Getting aggressive? Walk away - don't put up with it. Takes two people to feed aggression and to submit to the pain of what it does to you.
I think I have reached the stage where I ignore most of what is said. I watch him closely for changes in his health but he can ramble forever and I tune out. But I know sooner when he is feeling really poorly by watching him. It's not the rubbish that comes out of his mouth but that'other' behaviour that says so much more than anything he says.
These seem to be the things that build into being 'the last straw'. But if you can ignore the small things, if you can dismiss the trivial things, then that straw that breaks the camel's back, comes along later rather than sooner. Settle on the really important things and discard the rest into 'Things that don't really change anything' file. Is it a world shattering event that they ask the same questions over and over?' You know that you haven't stolen the money because it was never there in the first place. So don't feel that you have to justify yourself.
Getting aggressive? Walk away - don't put up with it. Takes two people to feed aggression and to submit to the pain of what it does to you.
I think I have reached the stage where I ignore most of what is said. I watch him closely for changes in his health but he can ramble forever and I tune out. But I know sooner when he is feeling really poorly by watching him. It's not the rubbish that comes out of his mouth but that'other' behaviour that says so much more than anything he says.
Yes I agree with that @Lawson58 If I can only get dad in a clean shirt once a week I am happy. It would be nice if he would put clean clothes on every day but I am not going to kill myself worrying about it. He is eating well so that is a plus.
As for socks and pants, they are a mystery at the moment.
I agree with what Sylvia said and also with your last sentence.We cannot change it So we shoulder on. I did for almost 15 yyears 10 at home with no help my husband would not have accepted it.
Words mean different things to different people. No one else has the right to say 'go with the flow' to us except ourselves.
Sometimes it seems to indicate they are not listening. It can sound very dismissive.
We are the only ones who know the speed and temperature of the flow. I do try and go with the everchanging flow myself, because it works.
On one level I pick my fights, I chose those that I have a good chance of winning. I ditch the rest for another day, often when that day comes the situation has solved itself.
On another level I do take up issues but I detach from the outcome, I just feel by adding my voice to others one of us might tip the balance.
It does not matter who benefits, me or the next generation of Carers.
I suppose my reward is that it gives me extra purpose and meaning.
It stops me feeling a victim, so it is empowering.
I came across these words, 'have perspective, do everything the best way you can, then accept that you can do no more'
To accept the the situation as it is moment by moment is not giving in, it is not passive but a positive way of handling present reality.
What I do know is that my mood affects that actions of others. It is knowing when to resist and when to let go. What is important and what is not. There is always a funny side, often well hidden though.
One headmaster used to tell his new pupils, you have no rights only responsibilities in Life. Privileges are a bonus but not to be expected.
This group of illnesses in all its shades certainly teach us that harsh reality.
At the moment it is nearly four in the morning, all is quiet, it is easy to write this. I know the new day will bring new challenges, I will cope or not cope.
This bit of self talk just puts a bit of Tiger in my tank.
Over my husband's needs I am becoming quite a tiger.
So to all you tigers out there, stretch, relax pretend you are just a pussy cat.
May you all get strokes and a dish of cream.
Skimmed milk for GrannyG group, of course!
All we can do is work out what works for us.
Sometimes it seems to indicate they are not listening. It can sound very dismissive.
We are the only ones who know the speed and temperature of the flow. I do try and go with the everchanging flow myself, because it works.
On one level I pick my fights, I chose those that I have a good chance of winning. I ditch the rest for another day, often when that day comes the situation has solved itself.
On another level I do take up issues but I detach from the outcome, I just feel by adding my voice to others one of us might tip the balance.
It does not matter who benefits, me or the next generation of Carers.
I suppose my reward is that it gives me extra purpose and meaning.
It stops me feeling a victim, so it is empowering.
I came across these words, 'have perspective, do everything the best way you can, then accept that you can do no more'
To accept the the situation as it is moment by moment is not giving in, it is not passive but a positive way of handling present reality.
What I do know is that my mood affects that actions of others. It is knowing when to resist and when to let go. What is important and what is not. There is always a funny side, often well hidden though.
One headmaster used to tell his new pupils, you have no rights only responsibilities in Life. Privileges are a bonus but not to be expected.
This group of illnesses in all its shades certainly teach us that harsh reality.
At the moment it is nearly four in the morning, all is quiet, it is easy to write this. I know the new day will bring new challenges, I will cope or not cope.
This bit of self talk just puts a bit of Tiger in my tank.
Over my husband's needs I am becoming quite a tiger.
So to all you tigers out there, stretch, relax pretend you are just a pussy cat.
May you all get strokes and a dish of cream.
Skimmed milk for GrannyG group, of course!
All we can do is work out what works for us.
You are a brave lady, I gather from posts you have been unwell. It is good to have your wisdom and perspective back on here. I hope you are feeling recovered. Alice x
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