1. hazelflower

    hazelflower Registered User

    Aug 22, 2007
    does anyone actually give up on the caring? i read that several of you are at the end of your tether but you all seem to rally round and carry on....id be interested to hear of when and how you give up.....im not there yet, got a bit more in me, as compared to otheres i have a realy easy time, but im not as nice as you all are and my patience is lacking and so is my tolerance, i want to run away
    hazel x
  2. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    near London
    ... and you think we don't? :)
  3. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    I'm probably the wrong person to address this point because I didn't take on the full time caring for anything other than relatively short periods of time. Oh I did the admin, worried myself sick, logged scores of thousands of miles backwards and forwards across the pond, but always knew I would be returning home at some point. So I never had the trapped feeling that I think is so common. My point, if I have one, is that words are cheap. You may not like what you are doing, you may not like the person you are doing it for, you may not even like yourself, but the fact of the matter is, you ARE doing it, and for that very reason you should try not to get so down on yourself. You may not be able to continue to do it day in and day out indefinitely, but you are doing in now, and that earns a great deal of kudos from me at any rate.

    Another thing I should perhaps mention: there is no shame (although there's always guilt) in admitting that this is not the correct role for you. This is your mother, correct? Depending on your prior relationship with her, what I'm going to say now may not ring true, but would she really expect you devote the rest of your life to caring for her? Now some parents would, but I know I wouldn't want my children to do that for me. My own mother would sometimes ask me in a worried tone "You do have a life other than this don't you" and when I reassured her that yes, I had a home and family, she would say "Thank goodness, I wouldn't want to think that this is all there was for you".
  4. sheila _2

    sheila _2 Registered User

    Giving up

    Hi I am new here.. and very pleased to have found this site, after months of reading just about everything to do with Alzheimers... and YES to that answer.. i feel like giving up, everytime my mother bad mouths me, she calls me all the names under the sun. and yes it hurts, but in the next breath she cannot recall what she has said, it just me that remembers..But, we all have to go on and try to blank out the hurtful things.

    It gets harder every day, and every-one in the family from My Aunts to Uncles all have good intentions...But they dont spend the time i do with my mum, i wish they would then they could see how hard it is to cope.

    Thanks for Listening needed to get that off my chest. I will return..

    ;) sheila _2 x
  5. hazelflower

    hazelflower Registered User

    Aug 22, 2007
    giving up

    thaks for those comments, its my mother in law that i am looking after..not ewven my own mother which i could do as there is a history of love..but with my mother in law who i have only known for 10 years i have no such history.i think that is why it is harder.

    thank you all so much for your support though xxxxx i hope i can do the same for you
  6. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    Toronto, Canada
    My mother has been in a nursing home for 4 years so I haven't the daily pressures others here face. Yet I regularly go through phases when I don't think I can bear seeing my mother & feeding her. I have taken breaks of a week or so when I found it to be unbearable.

    So it's not just you. And I'm not a particularly nice person.
  7. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear hazelflower,

    I think you deserve a medal looking after your mother-in-law, especially if there is no bond between you, so don`t put yourself down.

    And don`t think we don`t want to give up either. It`s one of the hardest and most challenging roles ever, and when, however much you give, you are taken for granted or verbally abused, it can be soul destroying.

    But some of us just have to get on with it.

    I have to say though, that I don`t think I could ever care 24/7 for someone I didn`t love.

    Take care

    Love xx
  8. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Dear Hazel and Sheila, I'm not surprised you're feeling like giving up. Believe you me, I feel that I can't cope a day longer, and I'm caring for a husband I love dearly.

    It's a hard job, both physically and mentally, and when you're caring for someone you have no bond with, or are having to cope with verbal abuse, it must make you wonder why you are bothering.

    Please, both of you, you can only do what you are capable of, and only you can decide that. No-one here is going to criticise you when you decide you can't do any more. And let's face it, that time will inevitably come.

    Don't wear yourselves out, you have your own health and families to consider.

    Please post again and tell us how you are.

  9. Grommit

    Grommit Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006
    So, why do we allow two lives to be destroyed by one disease? It raises quite a few questions.

    Is it because of the thought that we ourselves may need the same care and attention ourselves one day? If we get AD we will not know that we are recieving that care and attention anyway.

    Is it because our upbringing forbids us to turn our backs when people are in need of help? Can't be that either, otherwise we would all be in Africa helping starving children.

    Is it perhaps that our feelings are directed towards the people that we used to know before they got Ad? Can't be that, because those people with AD that we knew have gone somewhere else into their own worlds.

    Is it from a sense of duty? Surely our duties were completed sometime ago and it's time to move on.

    They say that life is made up of meetings and partings, some we can control, some are out of our control. We have not parted from our loved ones - they have parted from us.

    Ah yes, I could not look myself in the face if I abandoned Jean now. Why not? Within a few days someone else would be looking after her needs and I would be forgotten.

    I don't like to think of her having to spend the rest of her life without home comforts, without those things we shared together. Lots of people without families/husbands/wives do it. Go to any old peoples homes and watch them. They manage quite well. Talk to them, they will tell you it's not all that bad.

    Are we caring for them beacuse we do not know what else to do? Is it more of a question what would we do without them, rather than what would they do without us? Is caring an act of selfishness on our parts?

    Are we doing it because we are afraid that society may pass judgment on us for not doing it?

    If there were a quick and easy way out which would salve our conscience, would we take it?

    And these are just some of the questions. One big question is WHO KNOWS WHAT THE ANSWERS ARE TO THE ABOVE??

    Brilliant post hazelflower. Thanks for raising it.
  10. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    I have often asked myself the same question:
    I do not know what I shall do without my lovely Lionel to care for.

    I comfort myself that he would have done the same for me had the position been reversed. Actually, when he was well, he always said "No, I would be on my bike"
    Always with a twinkle in his eye.

    Happier days.
  11. alfjess

    alfjess Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    south lanarkshire

    I haven't given up on caring, I still CARE for my parents, but as to physically caring for them at home, yes I have given up.

    My own health was suffering. They were not getting stimulation, although I tried hard and they were looked after to the best of my ability.

    The decision was made for me when Dad was admitted to hospital with brachycardia, but that was the straw that broke the camel's back.
    Mum, without Dad was a nightmare. The only way the hospital would discharge Dad was if he could be monitored.

    This for me was the catalyst, but it wasn't an impulse decision, I had been making enquiries and if truth be known, had already decided that 24/7 care was the way to go.

    Dad's illness only accererated the entry date.

    Can't pretend that things have been perfect, but I know that I feel a lot better. No palpitations, no breathlessness and Mum and Dad are cared for, even if Mum pleads with me to takeher home

    Take care
  12. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    Birmingham Hades
    Hi Grommit
    so many questions,with only one answer in my case at least.
    13 + years I cared for my Peg,but I adored her from the first day that we met.
    My caring ended in July when she gave up and left this world.
    We were ,married 4 months short of 6o years, knew each other when we were 17 years old.
    Of course I often felt like giving up,of couse I got angry with her at times and wished it was all over.
    What gave me the strength to carry on?
    Now that she is no longer with me I miss her more than words can say,I console myself with the thought that I did my best for her,through all our married life,right until the end.
    She must have been very worried and confused,what does go on in their minds, another consolation is that she is at peace no worries no confusion any more.
    Grommit that is my answer ,IMHO.
  13. bel

    bel Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006
    hazel yes you are as nice as all of us

    dont dought that
    we all feel like giving up
    they are our world and they are ours
    i am only 2 and a half years into my hubby not being able to work function etc
    i am tired i want to give up
    i run our florist shop 24 -7
    it is hard i dont know how i cope -but life without --being able to cuddle up to him at night would be un bearable
    love bel x
  14. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Whilst I`ve been struggling to find and answer to Grommit`s questions, you have answered them for me Norman, so thank you.

    The other reason is, I`m always aware it could so easily have been me.

    Perhaps you would be forgotten, but would you be able to forget.

    Take care xx
  15. TinaT

    TinaT Registered User

    Sep 27, 2006
    Giving up

    A few weeks ago I went through the trauma and pain of letting my husband go to a hospital assessment unit. I thought he was going into assessment so that his medication could be changed, then he would be coming home. After a few weeks I was told by hospital staff that he had extremely challenging behaviour and would certainly be staying on the unit at least 6 months and most probably a year and would have to be sectioned under the mental health act in order to safeguard his rights.

    So husband has now been in the hospital for the past 2 months. It has been very, very hard but I am glad he is there. I visit him every single day, I do all his washing, the staff are very well aware that I must have a 'hands on' role in his care. The time I do have with him I consider to be quality time where I can show him all my love and affection without the tremendous stresses that were so unbearable 24 hours a day, 7 days a week when he was at home.

    On the down side he no longer gets individual attention 24 hours a day , sometimes he is wearing someone else's clothes, he smashes his glasses often, rips the soles off new canvass shoes, has fallen out of bed and badly bruised his face, all of these have caused me heartache. Would they happen if I had kept him at home??? I do see little acts of compassion and kindness shown by overworked memebers of staff. I feel when I go on the ward that I am part of a family, I know the other patients little ways and behaviour problems, I have met other wives who are in my position.

    At the end of all this, my love for my husband is just as strong and I am in a better position to show this as I am no longer exhausted. It is not the end of caring when a loved one receives care away from you. It is a new beginning of care. xx TinaT
  16. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    Tina, just love those words. Thank you.
  17. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    West Sussex

    Good post and really tough questions Grommit

    This is the only one I absolutely know my answer to

    Mum is still Mum, somewhere, hidden beneath the layers, she is still the same person I love so very much.

    Her gestures and that certain "look" that says so much shines through from time to time and I know she is still there, somewhere.

    I love her in exactly the same way I always have done, I speak to her and kiss and hug her in the same way, nothing but her responses have changed.

    Nothing, not even AZ can break that bond of love.

  18. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Tina, thank you so much for your post. I am not looking forward to John's forst respite, and I know that unless he recovers a bit from his recent decline, it is likely to become permanent, sooner rather then later.

    It's not what I want, and I'll miss him so much. But although I love him so much I know I need help.

    I'll treasure that quote.

  19. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    Toronto, Canada
    I feel my mother is lost to me

    What a beautiful post.

    I'm afraid I don't feel that way anymore. I looke at my mother and it's a odd blend of emotions, pity, irritation, horror at what's happened to her. Yet I don't feel that it's her anymore. Her essence is gone. It's what I find so difficult.

    I wish I could take the broader view that you do, but right now I'm unable to. One day things may change - who knows? I will reread your post, in fact I think I'll print it out & put it somewhere prominent so it can remind me. Thank you.
  20. strawberrywhip

    strawberrywhip Registered User

    Jun 26, 2006
    Hazel ...we didnt give up caring..but my MIL is now in a home. It was the best decision we ever made. She has been there for 7 weeks now. Life was intolerable at home ..she was quite fit for an 82yr old, lived on her own just down the road... She went wandering ...we brought her up for meals every day : needed supervison until she went to bed..and we finally locked her in for the last week..because she was being brought home by the police.
    She was cross and aggressive with us mst of the time and becoming increasingly stressed and unhappy as we were.
    Itwas a very difficult move..but we did it ..and we dont regret it. We go visiting regulalry and we take her out..we are now good cops she enjoys our company we can take treats in , but we don`t have the 24/7 burden of care. We do have tears sometimes when we go to visit..., and she does ask about coming `home` but I am not sure what home means to her..she never asks about the house she left ..with no warning...
    We are starting to relax and enjoy life again ..and give attention to oher members of the family who have been missing out while we devoted our time to 24/7 caring.
    Dont feel guilty. If you need to do it, just go ahead. I know the environment she is in is better now for her..the caring is shared..no one gets irritated by the endless repetitions or difficult behaviour..they do shifts! Look after yourself, your partner and family ..Sounds llike you are ready to take that step. We realised we had to do something and I am so glad we did. There is life alongside AZ and you dont have to do it all yourself

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