Giving her independence

[melly]

Hi there

I just wanted a little bit of help and advice.

As I have said before, it doesn't feel as though my dad is dealing with mum having AZ very well and seems to have some funny ideas of how life should be now. Mum cannot be on her own at all but dad doesn't like to admit that and continues to work full time with no real intention to give it up for at least 12 months which is rediculous!!! We don't have anybody helping care for mum even though she doesn't have the ability to do anything for herself, so my sister and other members of family take it in turns each day to take her out and spend time with her. There is nobody cooking or cleaning so dad, bless him, does it all and we know he needs somebody to take over these things for him. Dad is desperate to keep things normal for her but a big part of me thinks it's more for him. I mean no disrespect towards him, I think he is wonderful for what he does, I just get so frustrated seeing mums life disappearing and all the while dad is working, cooking, cleaning and no time is spent making mum's life as enjoyable as possible.

That isn't really why I'm writing though, I just get so tired of trying to help and he will never listen so I am trying to embrace his idea and think of things that might help keep things 'normal' for her. She is desperate for independence and if she is ever alone she often tries to do things like ironing (!!!!!) and has luckily never hurt herself yet but almost always leaves it on. I wondered whether there are any websites or shops that have simple irons that switch themselves off so this problem can be slightly reduced. The other thing is that she has a tendency to leave taps on all day and as they are on a meter, it will end up becoming really quite expensive so I don't know where to look for taps that turn off automatically...

As mum is so young, I can understand why dad would like her to keep her independence but my sister and I know this just isn't right. If you have any ideas of how to get dad to wake up and listen to us, feel free to advise on this also!!! Your help and advice is hugely appreciated.

Love to everyone,
Melissa
x

 

[Cate]

Hi Melissa

This must be so very hard for you all. I can understand why your dad wants to 'keep things normal', maybe continuing going to work etc is keeping him going, and maybe there is a financial consideration to this too.

Have you considered getting carers in a couple of times a day, and meals on wheels to give your mum a meal mid-day, this also means there is someone else calling, or maybe you could get mum to a day centre a couple of times a week, your local AD Society or Social Worker would be able to help you with this.

With regard the iron, what about a cordless, I dont have one, but I understand they only work when put pack on the cradle. Housework and ironing is maybe something that's keeping mum going too, helps her to feel useful.

During the early part of my mum's AD I used to leave PostIt notes all over the place, maybe you could try that, just a little note by the taps saying 'turn off', you could maybe suggest to mum that dad needs this!! I found it a fine line between helping my mum and robbing her of her dignity, only you and your dad know your mum well enough to know what would be helping her, and what might upset her.

Cate

 

[May]

Hi Melissa

Do feel for you and your Mum & Dad, it's so difficult to keep people's independence and some degree of normality. Cate has already made good suggestions re carers calling and cordless irons (I have no experience of those either).
When my Mum was at the stage of forgetting to turn off taps (usually the bathroom washbasin with the plug in, which then overflowed) we found taps that were they type you depress, and they give a regulated flow of water for a specific length of time and then automatically shut off. Introduced to her as a way of saving water as they had a meter fitted, so her dignity wasn't compromised. We visited a local plumbers merchants to find these. An absolute boon and certainly saved on the water bills!

If you have any ideas of how to get dad to wake up and listen to us, feel free to advise on this also!!!

Not possible I'm afraid (how can you tell I've worn the t-shirt)! Work is probably what is keeping Dad going, yes, he will try and run himself into a hole in the ground, juggling work, keeping house and looking after Mum, but until he asks for help, all you can do is stand by to pick up pieces and try offering the occasional well meant bit of advice gently.

Do hope you find some solutions

Take care

 

[Blacksheep]

Hi Melissa

When my mum was still able to use the iron my brother found a timer that went into the wall socket and switched off power when the appliance had not been used for half an hour. Not sure what it is called though, I think he went into local independent electrical retailer and they guided him towards it. It solved our problem - though mum had an ironing press, may not be suitable for regular iron if left face down.

And good luck with your dad! I am in a similar boat with mine - he knows how he wants to do things and will not be told otherwise. I just try and support him as best I can, whilst finding fun trips out, nice walks etc to do with mum.