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Giving cash to carers

bellabooboo

New member
Aug 10, 2018
3
Hi everyone
I’ve used a forum before, but I just don’t what to do.
My mum has dementia and my dad is with her every day at home. Mum has carers 4 times a day. Mums dementia is at the point where she can’t walk or talk and can’t do things for herself anymore.
The point is , dad has his favourite carers and one of them informed him she was getting married the next day. When I spoke to my dad he told me he gave her an envelope with £50 in.
he isn’t in a position financially to hand out £50 cash. I don’t want to the carerTo get into trouble but I’m not happy about this,
I truly appreciate what the carers do for my mum and often by them chocolates, wine or a small bunch of flowers to show thanks, but I’m not comfortable with this.
Please can you guys give me some advice or feedback , thank you everyone
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,775
South East
Hi @bellabooboo and welcome to Tp , they are all a great ,friendly welcoming group here . Speaking personally here I have no problem with it , if they did it frequently then that would worry me , but it was a special occasion , my parents would of done exactly the same. It seems something the older generation did , they used to tip everyone at Xmas , the postman, Milkman, window cleaner , you name it they gave them cash tip and so do my in laws and friends of similar age .
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,780
cornwall
Hi everyone
I’ve used a forum before, but I just don’t what to do.
My mum has dementia and my dad is with her every day at home. Mum has carers 4 times a day. Mums dementia is at the point where she can’t walk or talk and can’t do things for herself anymore.
The point is , dad has his favourite carers and one of them informed him she was getting married the next day. When I spoke to my dad he told me he gave her an envelope with £50 in.
he isn’t in a position financially to hand out £50 cash. I don’t want to the carerTo get into trouble but I’m not happy about this,
I truly appreciate what the carers do for my mum and often by them chocolates, wine or a small bunch of flowers to show thanks, but I’m not comfortable with this.
Please can you guys give me some advice or feedback , thank you everyone
They should not be accepting. It is usually against care companies policies. But if they have informed the care company and it is a special occasion. Sometimes they allow it as a one off.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,638
South coast
I take the opposite viewpoint - the carer should not have accepted the cash. I know that the older generation tipped everyone at Christmas and that this is a special occasion, but £50 is too much and Im sure that carers are not actually allowed to accept cash. Chocolates at Christmas maybe, but not cash.

Im not sure how to handle this. Could you maybe have a discrete word with the carer and diplomatically let her know that you are aware that he has given her this money, but that he is not in a position to give gifts generally?
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,775
South East
Actually after engaging my brain (sorry) I can see that this could be a worry , if she has taken it so freely then what’s to stop her taking more again , I would hope she has told the agency to cover herself , and also that she would not do it again and it was purely a one off occurrence .Wholeheartedly agree with @canary that speaking to her discreetly would be the best way to deal with it . Sorry I was probably being a bit naive but like to think the best of people until proven otherwise .
 

LadyA

Registered User
Oct 19, 2009
13,637
Ireland
It is a dodgy one. I mean, I would give a gift to a carer who was getting married, but at the same time, when my husband was still at home, and I had a private carer in twice a week so I could continue my part time work, my husband, who was well along in his dementia at the time, mentioned one day how he had felt so sorry for the carer, but he was also going on about his money being gone. Turned out that he had given the carer money. On gentle questioning, I discovered it wasn't the first time he had. So, I took it up with the carer. The way I put it was that my husband wouldn't remember what he'd done with the money, and was getting upset because he couldn't find it, and was starting to think it had been stolen. The carer said that he just hadn't wanted to upset him by refusing, and my husband was quite insistent. I wouldn't have minded at all, but I did feel the carer should have told me.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,744
Essex
I take the opposite viewpoint - the carer should not have accepted the cash. I know that the older generation tipped everyone at Christmas and that this is a special occasion, but £50 is too much and Im sure that carers are not actually allowed to accept cash. Chocolates at Christmas maybe, but not cash.

Im not sure how to handle this. Could you maybe have a discrete word with the carer and diplomatically let her know that you are aware that he has given her this money, but that he is not in a position to give gifts generally?
I agree with @canary you need to have a discreet word with the carer. I remember dad's care home handing me their contract which said that they can't accept gifts.

MaNaAk
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,744
Essex
Actually after engaging my brain (sorry) I can see that this could be a worry , if she has taken it so freely then what’s to stop her taking more again , I would hope she has told the agency to cover herself , and also that she would not do it again and it was purely a one off occurrence .Wholeheartedly agree with @canary that speaking to her discreetly would be the best way to deal with it . Sorry I was probably being a bit naive but like to think the best of people until proven otherwise .
She could also be taking from other people.

MaNaAk
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
2,195
Dorset
The Care firms who helped The Banjoman insisted that their staff were unable to accept cash in any way. His sister worked for a different Care firm and they weren't even allowed to accept anything at Christmas.
 

Thethirdmrsc

Registered User
Apr 4, 2018
220
Maybe it’s me, but the first thing I thought was that who works the day before they get married? Sounded a bit like a scam to me. Maybe I am more cynical?
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
879
Hi @bellabooboo, carers should not be accepting cash - even given in good faith as it can have serious ramifications for them should the individual not remember consenting to give them the money at a later stage e.g. they can be accused of theft. Most reputable Care Companies will make this crystal clear in terms of their code of conduct and as a protection to their staff, and also the requirement that all small gifts (such as chocolates, bottle of wine) should be formally declared and recorded. I would be surprised if this was not the case. The carer should NOT have accepted the money, she should have thanked Dad and explained that she wasn't allowed to accept money from him as her company did not allow it. Remember she is in a position of trust - your Mum has Dad there to watch over her, but I'm sure others that receive care from this company do not.

But what to do? I can appreciate your dilemma as you don't want to undermine your Dad's wishes, and potentially cause a problem for him with the carer. However, it is concerning if the carer is conducting this practice, it might be more widespread than your Dad - and clearly she is in the wrong for accepting the money. You could discreetly speak to the Head Office to ascertain their policy - although be aware this could set the ball rolling in terms of an investigation (there may also be something on their website regarding their code of conduct). If it is a breach of policy you should report it to the company and let them deal with it. If there is no formal policy (which I doubt) you can ask the carer to return the money to your Dad. Good luck, not an easy situation that you have been put in.
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,294
Pete has given good advice, ask the care agency what their policy is on cash gifts, and see what they say.

You could also have a word with your dad and point out that he could get the carer into serious trouble by offering money. He may well have been very insistent about it which puts her in a difficult position, although obviously she should have still refused.
 

Weasell

Registered User
Oct 21, 2019
658
This is a strange answer do forgive me.
All the other posters are correct and I know I am wrong, but I would do it differently !

My lovely dad had all his marbles! Hope I am allowed to say that?
If it had happened to us them the humiliation my dad would have felt at me contacting the agency, or approaching the carer would not have been worth fifty quid. I think it would have emasculated him as a man, and just made him so unhappy.

I would have just explained it was wrong ! if he did it again I would have to report it, and that then the carer could risk losing their job.

I am sorry to give a different answer, I can never make up my mind if different opinions are good on a forum, or whether the odd bods like me should just shut up.

Obviously if my dad had any signs of dementia the above would not apply. I would report etc etc.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,744
Essex
I bought chocolates for the carers at Xmas and at the home I played Xmas carols and bought chocolates as well.

MaNaAk
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,780
cornwall
Dad lives at home. I have LPOA as dad does not have financial awareness amongst others. Every month I buy some sweets to put in a sweet tin as a thank you. Dad cannot get to these unless they give him some. But it is labelled for the carers. He has a certain amount of money in his draw which I leave for extras etc Less than a hundred. I check each week so I can keep tabs. I do not leave a big amount otherwise he would give it away as he has done previously.I also have a communication book so the carers tell me if they have been shopping.
 

Veritas

Registered User
Jun 15, 2020
69
Maybe it’s me, but the first thing I thought was that who works the day before they get married? Sounded a bit like a scam to me. Maybe I am more cynical?
I expect she is not earning very much and needs every penny, especially now.

@bellabooboo
It doesn't sound like she's declared the gift as she should have done, which makes it very difficult all round. Times have changed hugely on this one, especially in recent years, but if all else failed the carer should have accepted the money from your father and then told you about it as soon as she could so that she could return it. She should also have told her agency what happened.

I can understand that you don't want this carer fired, not least because your father likes her, but I agree you should start by having a discreet word with her as others have suggested. If that doesn't trigger her conscience and compliance with her employer's policies, I think you have consider mentioning it to the agency.
 

LadyA

Registered User
Oct 19, 2009
13,637
Ireland
This is a strange answer do forgive me.
All the other posters are correct and I know I am wrong, but I would do it differently !

My lovely dad had all his marbles! Hope I am allowed to say that?
If it had happened to us them the humiliation my dad would have felt at me contacting the agency, or approaching the carer would not have been worth fifty quid. I think it would have emasculated him as a man, and just made him so unhappy.

I would have just explained it was wrong ! if he did it again I would have to report it, and that then the carer could risk losing their job.

I am sorry to give a different answer, I can never make up my mind if different opinions are good on a forum, or whether the odd bods like me should just shut up.

Obviously if my dad had any signs of dementia the above would not apply. I would report etc etc.
Different opinions are not only good on a forum, I would think it would be regarded as essential!

If someone has mental capacity to make their own decisions, then you are right. It's enough to explain that the carers are not supposed to accept cash, because in our parents' days (and even my own days, up to about twenty years ago!), it was common, accepted practise to give a small cash gift to those who helped us, even if they were paid to do so. The postman, the binmen etc. all got small cash gifts at Christmas. Times have changed. One of the issues I would see with giving cash to a carer would be that it could cause jealousy or a sense of entitlement with all the other carers going in, which may not be what the giver of the gift intended or wanted.
 

Weasell

Registered User
Oct 21, 2019
658
Different opinions are not only good on a forum, I would think it would be regarded as essential!

If someone has mental capacity to make their own decisions, then you are right. It's enough to explain that the carers are not supposed to accept cash, because in our parents' days (and even my own days, up to about twenty years ago!), it was common, accepted practise to give a small cash gift to those who helped us, even if they were paid to do so. The postman, the binmen etc. all got small cash gifts at Christmas. Times have changed. One of the issues I would see with giving cash to a carer would be that it could cause jealousy or a sense of entitlement with all the other carers going in, which may not be what the giver of the gift intended or wanted.
Thank you.
You raise an excellent point about potential jealousy from other carers.

One other thing that occurs to me is if older people start showing any sort of vulnerability around money, then getting call screening installed on the landline telephone is brilliant.
I really didn’t expect it to be successful, but it has cut down the fraud calls very well. I also like the ring doorbell which allows me to observe any callers to the house.