Give me a vote - yeah or nay!

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by maryjoan, Jun 2, 2019.

  1. maryjoan

    maryjoan Registered User

    Mar 25, 2017
    1,284
    Female
    South of the Border
    • I have found life increasingly difficult ( as all of us do) with my OH.
    • He never talks to me,
    • Treats me like the housekeeper
    • Has no thoughts for me, as his dementia gets worse
    • I try to work from home ( need to) but he constantly interrupts
    • I manage everything around the house - he has no responsibilities
    • He seems happy to spend hours and hours watching the same TV programmes over and again and does not want or need my company.
    • He does not go to bed until 2.30am and keeps me awake
    • We are not married
    • Only been together 8 years.
    • I am looking at renting a room to use as an office to spend a few hours a week away from him.
    • Even his family have told me to leave him
    • My son has just bought a flat to let - 12 miles away
    • Please, what should I do?
    • Move into the flat where I can still act as my OH's carer and facillitator with out the minute by minute sheer unhappiness?
    • Yeah or Nay?
     
  2. Delphie

    Delphie Registered User

    Dec 14, 2011
    1,250
    Yes from me. Move. Please don't forget that (philosophical musings aside) you only get this one life. Don't give it all away.
     
  3. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    2,809
    Nottinghamshire
    I know I would've gone mad if I'd had to live with my dad and I think carers need to look after themselves. I often think in your situation I wouldn't stay... If he doesn't want or need your company...but I'm not you and wouldn't presume to give an answer
     
  4. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,865
    Female
    South coast
    I dont feel I can advise you - it has to be your decision.
    But I will say - how would you feel if we all said yae, and how would you feel if we all said nay?
    This might amswer your own question.
     
  5. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,098
    Kent
    I can`t give an answer either.

    All relationships are different and all attitudes towards dementia are different. The additional burden of being under retirement age is another important factor.

    Many of your points are identical to those who are married.

    ie.

     
  6. Louise7

    Louise7 Registered User

    Mar 25, 2016
    1,067
    I agree with everyone else, only you can make the decision. Continuing to act as your partner's carer/facilitator whilst living 12 miles away might make things more difficult/stressful for you though. Will you have transport available to get to him quickly if needed and to attend appointments etc?
     
  7. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    11,585
    West Midlands
    What is your gut feeling about this idea of possibly moving out?

    Obviously, as others have said, no one can give you the right answer you seek, only you can do that

    Not us, certainly not the guilt monster, only your gut feeling of what is right for you xxx

    A possible answer would be to try a break away for a short while, if son is happy to let you have a week in his buy to let, and then see how you feel
     
  8. SandraKD

    SandraKD Registered User

    Nov 26, 2018
    36
    I second @2jays response. Your gut is already telling you to go in my opinion, I'd try it for a period and see how it goes.
     
  9. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    429
    Male
    North West
    I seem to remember you have raised this before, the possibility of renting somewhere else, clealry this isn't a new feeling. No harm in a trial and see how you go, but the final decision is yours.
     
  10. maryjoan

    maryjoan Registered User

    Mar 25, 2017
    1,284
    Female
    South of the Border
    Thank you all - as you can see, I am clearly very confused about all this, and my life in the midst of this dementia journey. It seems I have not got a satnav....
    thanks for your help in clarifying thoughts...
     
  11. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,743
    Female
    Scotland
    I thi nk you want a yeah answer because you are at your wits end. Personally I would do it and let SS fill the gap that you are leaving. Be his friend instead of his unpaid, unappreciated housekeeper.
     
  12. Lawson58

    Lawson58 Registered User

    You know the old saying that you can't light a fire under yourself to keep someone else warm.

    We talked about splitting up in the 2-3 years prior to my husband's diagnosis of Alzheimer's but finances made the decision for us.

    I can only speak for me but I wish I'd had the courage to face being old and poor and left him.

    What do you really WANT to do? And more importantly what do you NEED to do for yourself, for your own future?
     
  13. DennyD

    DennyD Registered User

    As others have said it needs to be your decision. Personally I second Canary - I believe this is the key to your decision, but also as mentioned by Palerider and others, maybe it is time for a trial, it could help see the situation from a different angle.
     
  14. Moggymad

    Moggymad Registered User

    May 12, 2017
    336
    Female
    I agree. Try it on a temp basis. You will never know if you don't & might regret missing this opportunity.
     
  15. dancer12

    dancer12 Registered User

    Jan 9, 2017
    451
    Mississauga
    Hi maryjoan

    My situation is similar except for a few differences. We've been married for 34 years, yesterday was our anniversary and did he remember NO even though I mentioned it about a million times (sometimes I think he does it on purpose). Anyway he has the VON (Victorian Order of Nurses) come in to visit him, just to talk to him. The last time she came she was talking to me because he was downstairs and she asked how I was doing. I just said okay and she said that she noticed how he depends on me, how he looks at me when I'm around and looks towards me for guidance. It's not he doesn't appreciate me it's just he doesn't know how to communicate it. I'll give you an example when I ask him to go upstairs he goes downstairs, everything is opposite to him. So I, in order not to go crazy myself, believe, that when he says he hates me - he actually means the opposite LOVE. He just can't express it, like others do. Anyway like so many others have said, the decision to go or stay is yours & yours alone. I don't know what your house situation is like but have you considered having a small room for yourself inside the house where you can be away from him but close enough in case of emergencies.
     
  16. Jaded'n'faded

    Jaded'n'faded Registered User

    Jan 23, 2019
    387
    Female
    High Peak
    Hi @maryjoan , my two penn'orth:

    You're clearly very unhappy and have been for a good while. Your short relationship (with much of it blighted by dementia) makes this a different decision for you than it might be for someone in a long marriage.

    Things are not going to get better.

    I think you are right that it is time to look at your choices. Whether moving out is the right thing I don't know. Are there other options you might want to consider? Is there a possibility of him going into care and you staying on where you are, or is that not somewhere you'd want to stay anyway?

    Doing a trial run sounds a good plan but presumably if you moved out for good you would have to arrange carers for your partner so it wouldn't be quite the same experience as trying it for a few days. (And I'm not sure how much help he needs.)

    It sounds like you have reached 'make or break' time. You have family support and I'm sure that helps. (And 24/7 support here on TP of course!) Everyone's situation is different so only you can make this decision. But you know that :)

    Stay strong!
     
  17. Sarahdun

    Sarahdun Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    340
    As everyone else says - in your heart you know the answer that you want for you - act on it. Now. What is best for you is also best for him.
     
  18. PalSal

    PalSal Registered User

    You are in a difficult position....like all of us.
    We cannot presume to give you your answer, as others have said you must answer it for yourself.
    I liked what someone said above , that you can be his friend even if your partner is in a carehome.

    It is my opinion, you must consider your age and how you want to go forward, as staying is a commitment of your time and energy....your life.
    I can only tell you that my husband was predicted to live for 10 years when he got his diagnosis, we are well past that -17 years now. He is still physically extremely fit. Life is easier now that he is has even less of his mind than in those early years of the disease. My life is extremely restricted now and I do my best to compensate. I do not always get to do the activities or travel I would like to, but I try to have an active, stimulating life of my own, but I must confess it gets more restrictive with the advancement of his disease.
    We were very young when he was diagnosed, he 49 and me 48. I gave up having a sex life, an equal partner and financial contributor to the household, freedom and flexibly. I believe if the shoe had been on the other foot he would certainly have stayed with me and cared for me at home as long as possible.That was a big driver for me.
    But as I said the early years were in some ways more difficult...now it clear he is not capable of doing simple things in life, being around lots of other people, communicating and traveling and visiting family. He is not being passive aggressive or obstinate...he is incapable.
    Although, I have lost much, I have gained much to in finding new ways to cope, living by principles of personal importance to me, and a continuing lesson in patience and compassion, I am not always very successful.
    Our circumstances were quite different from yours as we had more history, and we also have a family together. It was also important to me that my children's opinions on his care were considered. And I have the great blessings of supportive children, supportive friends and some limited governmental assistance and one volunteer who has been faithful and reliable. And TP!

    It has worked out for us to stay together, but when I can no longer cope, I will be able to still be loving and supportive if he eventually goes into care.
     

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