Whilst my wife can be fairly sociable with people that she knows and recognises, this can sometimes be just the opposite with strangers. She will not go to any form of day care and resists some people as sitters. After several years caring for her I would welcome some respite but how do manage to get her to go into a home for a few days when I know she will resist?
getting your partner to go in to respite
- Thread starter Chunky
- Start date
Chunky, no, not a few days, a fortnight. This will give you time to rest and relax. And no visiting. You will be paying the home, if self funding, they are trained to deal with reluctant people.
How you get her there is another problem. I was fine, cos OH accepted that I needed a break. I also told him I was going to stay with my cousin, which was also true, and he knew we were close, so this was a normal thing.
How you get him into the car is another problem I'll leave to those who are used to dealing with that particular problem!
Good luck!
How you get her there is another problem. I was fine, cos OH accepted that I needed a break. I also told him I was going to stay with my cousin, which was also true, and he knew we were close, so this was a normal thing.
How you get him into the car is another problem I'll leave to those who are used to dealing with that particular problem!
Good luck!
I think you have to avoid long discussions about respite and just present it as a fact. You need a break but more importantly - I need a break - so for two weeks you are going to this hotel for rest and entertainment. While you are there we will get the garden/ house/ boiler/ whatever fixed, painted, replaced. Then don't mention it again until you are there.
As Spamar says don't visit more than once if at all.
As Spamar says don't visit more than once if at all.
Thanks for all your comments - we live in hope! I am seeking advice on suitable homes - having been told that I have to start somewhere. Would welcome advice from carers with experience of partners resisting going to a home - how do you get them through the door?
I will probably get censored for this but....I did it for my MIL with total and complete deception. I guess this strategy depends on how advanced the person is with their illness, whether they will see through the outright lies.
This is what I did: I told MIL we were going out for a coffee. Suitcase (pre-packed) was hidden in boot of car the night before. We walked into the care home together and straight into the lovely garden, where other residents were enjoying morning refreshments. We sat at a table and were given coffee by one of the staff. After a suitable amount of time, I excused myself for a toilet visit. But I didn't return - instead I legged it out of the home and into the car park. Suitcase was dumped in the reception area (out of sight of the garden where she was sitting) and I drove home as quickly as I could. I didn't visit for at least a week afterwards.
By the time I did visit, MIL was delighted to see me and had absolutely no recollection of how she had arrived at the home. One year on, she is still there (permanently), and is safe, well, and kept entertained by numerous activities.
I'm not sure that I should be recommending such a deceitful approach -I'm not proud of it - but it worked at the time, thankfully with no lasting ill-effects!
DMac a variation on your approach is often necessary. Dont discuss too mch beforehand, don't make a fuss, don't have long goodbyes. Keep everything calm and simple and hand over to the staff at the earliest opportunity. That is best for all concerned.
I will probably get censored for this but....I did it for my MIL with total and complete deception. I guess this strategy depends on how advanced the person is with their illness, whether they will see through the outright lies.
This is what I did: I told MIL we were going out for a coffee. Suitcase (pre-packed) was hidden in boot of car the night before. We walked into the care home together and straight into the lovely garden, where other residents were enjoying morning refreshments. We sat at a table and were given coffee by one of the staff. After a suitable amount of time, I excused myself for a toilet visit. But I didn't return - instead I legged it out of the home and into the car park. Suitcase was dumped in the reception area (out of sight of the garden where she was sitting) and I drove home as quickly as I could. I didn't visit for at least a week afterwards.
By the time I did visit, MIL was delighted to see me and had absolutely no recollection of how she had arrived at the home. One year on, she is still there (permanently), and is safe, well, and kept entertained by numerous activities.
I'm not sure that I should be recommending such a deceitful approach -I'm not proud of it - but it worked at the time, thankfully with no lasting ill-effects!
Brilliant -it's not like an Alzheimer's patient is responsible and rational. It worked Perfect
We were going to visit a friend of our daughter in law, for a coffee, perhaps lunch. Had unpacked his things in his room the day before... I had to nip to the post office. Daughter in law stayed for a while, and then she had to leave too. daughter in law's friend , the care home manager, suggested a nice rest while my husband was waiting.
Next day I returned and reported that the painters had found a snag, and would be busy in our house a bit longer and could doss down in our son's single spare room..
It worked. The painters remained busy for a long time, and then my husband stopped asking.
Next day I returned and reported that the painters had found a snag, and would be busy in our house a bit longer and could doss down in our son's single spare room..
It worked. The painters remained busy for a long time, and then my husband stopped asking.
