1. x-lauren-x

    x-lauren-x Registered User

    Mar 6, 2007
    125
    I havent been to see my uncle for a while, with my school exams it was impossible to manage to get over to see him so my mum had been going on her own for about 5 weeks. I felt terrible for not going but i knew how important my exams were and my mum told me that i was better to study and go and see our friend later. Before the exams my friend couldnt rememeber who i was and only knew me as the lady who changed his bed and helped the 'other woman' my mum to clean his house and take him shopping, we got use to this and he still seemd chirpy and happy in himself,eating quite well so remembering my name was the last of my worries. However, hyesturday was my first visit again since the exams and it was terrible,he had been in bed all day until 3pm when we visited, the food in the fridge was covered in mould and i came to make him a cup of coffee to find two pints of milk which had gone off. all the curtains were closed and although i opened them and opened the windows to let some air in he followed me, closing each one behind me.
    he has a tablet box and had not taken any of the tablets for this week , when we prompted him he took 2 of them and threw the rest in the bin. He has lost such a terrible amount of weight and i am so worried about him. Today his social worker phned to say she had been to check on him because the doctors had phoned saying he had been creating a bit of trouble there, however when she turned up he was neither at home or at the doctors, he has stopped answering his phone and as all the curtains are closed we cannot see if he is inside. He will not allow social worker in to help him and has refused daytime carers, he says he wants his life to be over and it seems like he is starving himself.
    Me and my mum went shopping today to try and forget about the upset for a day as the socail worker said she would check on him but when she called to say she couldnt find him and had had to return to the office to see another client our minds went straight back to worry, where has he gone? what is he doing? is he hurt? he doesnt want to go into sheltered housing or a care home and now i am so stuk for ideas, we hae tried phoning before but he has stopped answering the phone. the psychiatrist said he seemed in the early stages of dementia, what is going to happen in the later stages? i want him to enjoy his life but he seems jsut to want to end it.
     
  2. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    639
    West Sussex
    What a worry for you,

    Was he out or not answering the door?

    It sounds as though he has depression, is there a way of getting his psychiatrist or GP to visit and see what he can do to help?

    These things always seem to happen at weekends of course, but it does sound as though he needs help urgently.

    Kathleen
    x
     
  3. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Lauren, what a worrying situation.

    It does sound as if your friend is suffering from depression, and is shutting himself off from the world. Is he on any treatment for depression? Even if he's not taking the tablets, at least a diagnosis is a start.

    I think you need to contact the GP and ask for an urgent assessment. This would have to be at home, and one of you would have to be there to make sure the doctor is let in. I think it's a bit of a cop-out for the SW to say she couldn't find him. It's her duty either to see him or to report him as at risk.

    It could be that he will need to be hospitalised to stabilise him, and it sounds as if a section may be necessary, though he may respond to the GP.

    Please ring the doctor, if you are concerned over the weekend phone NHS24. I would regard this as an emergency.

    Let us know how you get on,

    Love,

    PS How did the exams go?
     
  4. x-lauren-x

    x-lauren-x Registered User

    Mar 6, 2007
    125
    thank you

    thank you all for your replies and suggestions, i wil show my mum what you have suggested as she has all the contact numbers for the doctors and social workers. he is on treatment for depression, he is meant to take tablets but he throws most of them away and gets really upset if we intervene. Your advice is brilliant, i was running out of things to suggest and it is so nice to see there are some other people who are in a similar position. thanks so much, and the exams went well thanks- the end of year exam results made me happy and im just waiting for a science gcse result in sept but fingers crossed! thank you for asking!
    luv
    lauren xx

    ps. will keep you posted on any developments xxx hope you are all ok xx
     
  5. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
    Dear Lauren,
    I don't live in the UK so my advice can only be very general, but I agree that he needs to be seen by a specialist (or at least by a GP). As he is so reluctant to see anyone, you might need to report your concerns that he is "at risk" to the SocialWorker's "boss" (whoever that is) and start being very insistent that some urgent action is taken.

    I do understand how busy Social Workers are, but this case sounds very concerning. Just because he has chosen to cut himself off from the world does not mean the "powers that be" can wash their hands of him. Perhaps he needs to be assessed in hospital??

    If he has discontinued his depression medication as you believe, he is probably feeling more and more down. Coupled with his dementia, this could mean he sees his own end as the only way out. If he could be restarted on his medications and cared for in a safe environment (hospital??) till they start to work again, he may once more feel life is worth living.

    I am so sorry you and your Mum have this terrible worry. But I think it is wonderful the way you support your Mum - you are a very special young woman. :)
     
  6. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,597
    Kent
    Dear Lauren,

    I do hope you manage to get through to your friend. He sounds in the depths of despair.

    I wouldn`t be surprised if my husband would get into this condition if he were by himself, as he often thinks life isn`t worth living and so throws his medication away.

    Recently, the dose of his anti-depressants was increased, and after 2 weeks he is so much happier. But each time it is medication time I have to remind him what the tablets are for and tell him not to throw them away.

    I do hope you can get some help for your friend. I know how hard you are trying.

    Good luck with your exams. Please let us know the results.

    Love xx
     
  7. x-lauren-x

    x-lauren-x Registered User

    Mar 6, 2007
    125
    thank you

    thank you for your kind advice. everything you have said is what my mum thinks but has been a little bit blocked by the social worker so it is great that you have reinforced her opinion, she is going to phone social services and report him as at risk so that some action has to be taken.
    Will write back as soon as we have any more news, thank you for your lovely messages
    luv
    lauren xxx
     
  8. x-lauren-x

    x-lauren-x Registered User

    Mar 6, 2007
    125
    you are so right and a quick update

    i totally agree with you sylvia! But it is fabulous that you are there to support your husband- i know that if my friend had someone living with him always he would almost definatley be so much happier. However, after reading all the brilliant advice on here and showing it to my mum, we made a phonecall to the doctor who agrees that our frined is in a bad way and not his usual chatty self. He has said that as he is on such unusual depression drugs it would be best for a social worker to come in and monitor our friends tablets to make sure he is taking them. He is going to try to persuade our friend to look at sheltered housing as he would be surrounded by people all the time, not alone and he would still have lots of freedom but perhaps enjoy himself so much more. if he went and decided he didnt like it he would be able to come home but it would be so nice to see him happy again and maybe friendship and seeing other people who were in a similar position to him may make him happier. Its nice to have the doctor on our side and it has certainly made my mum feel much happier- so thank you all for your lovely words of advice they do mean so much and have really helped us over these last few days.
    Thanks again, love to you all and hope you are all well
    love
    lauren xxxx
     
  9. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    I was reading your past post to see if your friend has dementia , you said in one of your post that you was awaiting the result .

    I only look because I thought it strange that the doctor would say

    sheltered house for someone who has dementia and that he could move back home if he did not like it ., all that moving around could make his dementia worse and it would be hard for someone with dementia to cope in a new surrounding in sheltered housing , but I suppose doctor's no best
     
  10. x-lauren-x

    x-lauren-x Registered User

    Mar 6, 2007
    125
    yes!

    thanks for your opinion here, i have thought a lot about sheltered housing and have never considered the point you have made so thank you very much for highlighting this! I will ask this point to our friends doctor and see what he thinks about it, i do know however, that the doctor does seem to be very helpful and has known our friend for a long time so i think he will try to do the best thing for him, however it is definatley worth mentioning your point and i will see what he thinks, i do know that our friend has once expressed intreset in sheltered housing but of course if it is going to confuse him more it would not be worth the agro for him. He has been diagnosed with the early stages of dementia so maybe going into sheltere dhousing now may be good but also it may have the confusing effect you mention.
    Thanks for raising this point to me, i definatley want to raise this to the doctor and see what his opinion is
    thanks again,
    luv
    lauren xx
     
  11. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    You could be right seeing its early days , but make sure they set up a good care plan, while his in they with social services if his willing they can get a carer to pop around few days a week just to take him out motivating him , help with shopping .

    Then as the dementia progressing he needs get higher , they renew the care plain to give him more support .
     
  12. x-lauren-x

    x-lauren-x Registered User

    Mar 6, 2007
    125
    quick update

    hiya
    thanks for your advice, will keep check on what is going on! we had a call fromt he social worker today who said she will call into to see my friend on tuesday and see how he is and asses him, she will then speak about sheltered housing and see if she could persuade him to come and look at some sheltered housing places.
    Hopefully he will be a bit happier with more people around him and carers checking on him regulaly.
    will keep you posted, thank you all for your very kind support, hope you are all well
    luv
    lauren :)
     
  13. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    wonder did all go well
     
  14. x-lauren-x

    x-lauren-x Registered User

    Mar 6, 2007
    125
    bad news

    thank you for asking, it didnt go as well as we hoped sadly. We got a phone call for staffs housing asc. saying there was a place free at a local shelterd house and would we like to go with my uncle to look at it. We asked him and he said he would go and look, so we arranged for the socail wokrer to come next tuesday instead and went to view the room. The house was wonderful, my uncle could have his own little flat like he does at the moment but with a lovely meeting room, games area and sun garden to sit with friends in and a large tele. The room was perfect, with a buzzer to call the warden if required to help out. it was imaculate. However my uncle said that he hated the place, it was his idea of hell and that we had made up his needs, what he needed was to be at his house looking after himself and he could manage well enough without all of this.
    So we went home and helped clean the house to find the microwave exploded again, singed clothes which he had tried to dry infront of the fire and a box full of tablets that were ment to be empty from the previous week. the fridge was full of mouldy food and we found a pair of pliars in his bed. We phoned the social worker and explained what had happend and she was disapointed too as she suggested we look at sheltered housing to avoid my uncle end up being sectioned and sent to a home that he wouldnt like. she arranged for the firebrigade to do a fire assesment on his house and they now believe he is a fire risk so more action will be taken, she says at the moment he has a say in whwat happens to him but sadly she thinks this is going to change as he is clearly so unwell. He cant remember who i am anymore, he still knows my mum as she goes mroe regulaly than me when im at school or swimming sometimes, i cant help but feel incredibly guilty for not going more because i think maybe if i went more he would remember me and would trust me more. however, when i do go i am exhausted afterwards and its difficult to concentrate on my work. but sometimes i cant face going, i know that things will have got worse and i wont be able to help. but then i know that my mum can do it and that she goes every week without fail and im letting him down when i dont.
    Its going to be terrible to see him being sectioned if the socail worker decides this is whats going to happen and i dont think id know what to do or how i could help.
    I know social sevices are doing their best, everyone is but it doesnt change the constant worry i feel for my uncle. hes going to see the psychiatrist next week and im relaly nervous of the result, i know that she will do the best hting for him but it wil destroy him to lose his independence when he has spent his whole life looking after himself and others.
    thank you for asking me, sorry to write such a long reply ,
    hope u are well
    luv
    lauren xx:confused:
     
  15. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,597
    Kent
    Dear Lauren.

    I`m so sorry it`s bad news, but it really does seem that your uncle is at risk. I`m sure that left to himself, he would come to harm.

    It is very painful for you to accept I know, and I can tell how upset you are, but it`s another case for `tough love`, if you want him to stay safe.

    Love xx
     
  16. alfjess

    alfjess Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    1,213
    south lanarkshire
    Hi Lauren

    In your area do they have such a place, as purpose built sheltered apartments for dementia suffers?

    In Glasgow they have a few of these places, I was offered a room, in one of these complexes for Mum and Dad, but it wasn't the right time and when they said, that if, one of them needed more care, then they would be separated, I decided it wouldn't do for my parents

    If I had, had only one parent to consider, then it would have been great.

    Try to see if there is anywhere like this in your area.

    It maybe the answer

    Alfjess
     
  17. x-lauren-x

    x-lauren-x Registered User

    Mar 6, 2007
    125
    thank you

    thank you for your advice, i know we have to leave social services to do their job, even if it does come to him being sectioned, i know that this is the right thing and he cant carry on this way. We are going away next week and so he wont have help for a week, he will struggle but like you say sylvia, it is tough love, its so diffuicult and hurts a lot but i know that we have to let social serivces sort this out and as they now think he is at risk to himself they say they will be taking action very soon.
    Also, thank you for your advice on the sheltered housing, i will find out if there are any in our area when we have come back from holiday, i know that this will be a good break though and we wil be back recharged to help out where needed!
    Thank you for your kind advice,
    luv
    lauren xxxxx:)
     

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