getting through this


Registered User
Mar 19, 2008
west sussex
Hi All
Well, things are not getting better yet! Staff in NH say she is ok when I am not there.
How do you all deall with yourselves? Thanks to those who replied to my last post. I think the problem I have is how to deal with all the negativity coming from her. It really cuts me up and it is her inability to see/understand that she is safe and that she is there because I love her not because I want to make her remaining time as miserable as I possibly can. I know it is the dementia, even though she has always been a v. difficult woman. Can't face going to see her on my own, so try to go with others and when I am there I shut up like a clam and let the others get on with it. I just try though to make sure that the last thing she sees from me is a big smile and a kiss. But God, it's hard!


Registered User
Aug 9, 2007
Hi Judy


I was reading your post and it reminded me of when I used to leave one of my sons at Nursery. Exactly the same thing was reported.

Your Mum will like it, but becuase of her illness she is probably feeling a sense of betrayal, because she cannot understand why she is there. She is not annoyed at you and would not be if she could rationalise why she was there.

I used to get a heartbroken Mum as I left her. It was so dificult so I always timed my visits for the first year anyway to co-incide with me leaving at meal-times. It meant that she was instantly occupied and that generally meant that any discomfort was small.

Taking friends is a good idea but I think that in time you will find that she does setlle. If you can take her out for lunch or some other activity she has enjoyed in the past and with a friend you may find that she feels less "cabin fever". Mum used to love to escape, although we always had to make sure the Nurse gave her permission, because otherwise she wouldn't settle when we were out. Once she started to realise that she could still go out, that she wasn't incarcerated it helped her greatly.

((((hugs))) It isn't easy.


Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
Judy, have you thought of telling your mother you will not visit as often if she is so horrid to you.

It has worked with some.

You could also tell her whenever she starts being nasty to you, you will walk away. If she treats you like a daughter should be treated, you will visit her often and stay.

It is very difficult to change roles. You may be your mother`s daughter, but only biologically. In all other respects you are more mature, more rational and more realistsic. It isn`t her fault, but it might help you to see her in a different light. You are the one to call the shots as you are the one who knows the reality.

Just a suggestion, I hope it helps.

Love xx