• Expert Q&A: Rare dementias - Tues 3 March, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of rare dementias. It will be hosted by Nikki and Seb from Rare Dementia Support. If you have any questions about rare dementias, they will be here to answer them on Tuesday 3 March between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

Getting things off my chest

Olly

Registered User
Jan 3, 2006
6
Birmingham
Hi to you all, it's good to share other's experiences of AD. I have not yet posted a new thread only replied to a couple. I am a new member and I started looking at this site many months ago because I suspect that my mom has AD.

I am feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment with everything. My mother is 75 and I believe 2 years ago she suffered a stroke, and as a result has now got the symptoms of AD or dementia. It has been a long battle since November 03 when all her symptoms came to light. I had to involve the GP and asked him to call to see her but he broke my confidence and told her that it was me who asked him to call, I have had to ask for help off the CPN and speak very openly in front of her and mom which I found difficult. Then I had to arrange assistance from an incontinence nurse, social worker, carer, cleaner, meels on wheels. I take her to all her appointments, bath her and do her washing because she won't let anyone else help her.
I am one of 9 and have 4 brothers and 4 sisters, I live the closest and I am the eldest daughter. I am the main carer and seem to be doing more than my fare share. I am quite angry with some members who keep away and do nothing to help and some of them don't think there is much wrong with her. I am tired of updating everyone and taking all the responsibility. On top of this I have a daughter who suffers with depression and she has 2 children who I support and look after. I have another daughter who is at University and a newish partner who I am also trying to be available for.

I feel like I am splitting myself up and doing everything for everyone and nothing for me. I try to be assertive and say no from time to time but, people think I am being awkward.
I work full time and have to go away with my job sometimes, so I am feeling quite stressed.
I can see that mom is getting worse, we have just had some tests conducted, ECG, MRI, Blood tests and results are iminent.

The trouble is that I am pushing people away in favour of mom because she is constantly on my mind, and takes so much of my time, I feel that they don't understand how difficult it is and I fear that I will loose their love and support and ruin any relationship I have with them.
Does anyone else have any advice on coping strategies and how to deal with the guilt that you feel if you don't please everyone?

Still smiling, won't let this affect me or my Health.
 

Linda Mc

Registered User
Jul 3, 2005
1,881
Nr Mold
Not much help I know but you could try telling your siblings

" I can only please one person at a time and today's not your day"

Take care of yourself.

Linda x
 

Lynne

Registered User
Jun 3, 2005
3,433
Suffolk,England
A suggestion ...

This might be more effort than it's worth, (and think about it b4 you dismiss it out of hand) but how about drawing up a rota of days of the week indicating Mum's regular activities/visitors etc. and populating it with the names of other family members (at least the ones who live locally) and yourself of course, and sending it out to your 9 brothers & sisters in the post with a note explaining that this is of course only a suggestion, but perhaps they would like to let you know which day (not IF) or even half-day they would be able to help care for Mum.

If it's going to cause a family rift, then it's not worth it, but it might just be enough of a wake-up call that you get SOME help from some of them.
 

Amy

Registered User
Jan 4, 2006
3,453
Hiya Olly

"Still smiling. Won't let this affect me or my health".

But if you are feeling uncomfortably stressed then it is beginning to.
You must try and make some space for yourself, not vast space, but something.

Is there not one of your siblings that you can get on side, so that you don't feel like the only responsible one? Maybe as you are the eldest you have always taken on the caring, responsible role ,and they may be worried about treading on your toes. Maybe they are waiting for you to ask for their involvement.

My brother had difficulty accepting mum's illness (in my opinion). He has given my dad a lot of support, but found it difficult to relate to mum (who is the one with dementia.)

Take care.
Amy