Getting mum to accept help

Rosaerona

Registered User
Oct 7, 2015
11
Hello, this is my first post so apologies if its in the wrong place or for posting on two boards.

My mum has not actually been diagnosed with dementia (and she won't go to the doctor) but is definitely struggling with memory and cognitive problems. I am desperately trying to get her to accept help with day to day tasks. I've suggested getting a cleaner or housekeeper to do the stuff she is struggling with, as it would make a difference to both her and my dad. But she says she doesn't want other people in the house and that she will just have to redo everything anyway and it's more trouble than it's worth...my dad is being a trooper and trying to pick up the slack and prevent her accidentally burning the house down when she leaves the hob on, but there's only so much he can do. I am trying my best to help as well but I've got cystic fibrosis and am being assessed for a double lung transplant so I am struggling to look after myself let alone anyone else. Because my mum has devoted a lot of her time to caring for me when I've been ill, she is finding it really hard to accept that she needs help, and I hate the fact that I can't help in the way I want to cos of my health. Is there anything I can do to help her see that it would help both me and my Dad and her, if she would accept some outside assistance. I don't want to force her to do things she doesn't want to, but equally I don't want my dad drowning trying to support mum. I don't know how to help without making things worse as everyone is getting short tempered. Any suggestions as to how to help her, most gratefully received.
 

Bod

Registered User
Aug 30, 2013
1,210
Would she accept help for you?
As you are unable to help her as you would wish, could you arrange for someone to do the things you are unable to do, heavy things like hovering/scrubbing floors, etc.
Helping her look after Dad better.
Get a carers assessment, for both Dad, and yourself. Talk directly to her GP, they may not be able to speak much, but do listen, maybe the Doctor could arrange a "Ladies Check Up" appointment for her.

Bod

Ps you could try out and out blackmail "Mum You need help, to stop me being worried, at a time when I don't need worry, it's my health!!"
 
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Mrsbusy

Registered User
Aug 15, 2015
356
Another way that some find easier to get help accepted is to ask them if a friend you know could clean their home as your friend is in desperate need of funds for Christmas or similar and if they think they are helping they may accept them.

Fingers crossed.
 

Rosaerona

Registered User
Oct 7, 2015
11
Thank you for your replies. I'm sorry to say I have resorted to emotional blackmail, and it's not that effective as she always deflects it and says that she and dad are fine... The friend idea is a good suggestion, she has a friend who might be able to help or might be able to suggest someone mum might accept. I just feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells the whole time.
 

Bod

Registered User
Aug 30, 2013
1,210
Thank you for your replies. I'm sorry to say I have resorted to emotional blackmail, and it's not that effective as she always deflects it and says that she and dad are fine... The friend idea is a good suggestion, she has a friend who might be able to help or might be able to suggest someone mum might accept. I just feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells the whole time.
Do you have a partner/husband/significant other?
They might have more success in talking to them.

Bod
 

Bessieb

Registered User
Jun 2, 2014
108
I had a similar problem with my parents refusing to accept help when they desparately needed it. I spoke to my Mum's GP who recommended a care agency she was aware of who were specialist in dealing with dementia.
I spoke to them and arranged for someone to start 'calling in' once a week 'on behalf of their GP' to 'see if they needed any jobs doing' or 'had anything they would like to chat about'. The same lady went every week and she was fantastic and knew exactly how to introduce herself. After a couple of weeks it mutated into 'an afternoons cleaning' a week and they began to see her as a friend. Eventually it became a call everyday and as they needed it the care package grew and grew.
That was a bit long-winded but in summary a good care agency will know how to start forming a relationship with your parents. Your GP (probably via a memory team) should be able to recommend one to you. Important that they are specialist in dementia