1. Rosaerona

    Rosaerona Registered User

    Oct 7, 2015
    Hello, this is my first post so apologies if its in the wrong place!

    My mum has not actually been diagnosed with dementia (and she won't go to the doctor) but is definitely struggling with memory and cognitive problems. I am desperately trying to get her to accept help with day to day tasks. I've suggested getting a cleaner or housekeeper to do the stuff she is struggling with, as it would make a difference to both her and my dad. But she says she doesn't want other people in the house and that she will just have to redo everything anyway and it's more trouble than it's worth...my dad is being a trooper and trying to pick up the slack and prevent her accidentally burning the house down when she leaves the hob on, but there's only so much he can do. I am trying my best to help as well but I've got cystic fibrosis and am being assessed for a double lung transplant so I am struggling to look after myself let alone anyone else. Because my mum has devoted a lot of her time to caring for me when I've been ill, she is finding it really hard to accept that she needs help, and I hate the fact that I can't help in the way I want to cos of my health. Is there anything I can do to help her see that it would help both me and my Dad and her, if she would accept some outside assistance. I don't want to force her to do things she doesn't want to, but equally I don't want my dad drowning trying to support mum. I don't know how to help without making things worse as everyone is getting short tempered. Any suggestions as to how to help her, most gratefully received.
  2. 1mindy

    1mindy Registered User

    Jul 21, 2015
    This is such a difficult one. Accepting help when you have always been the strong one must be so difficult. I have no solutions or suggestions as I never cracked it with my mum. Sorry. Maybe someone who sorted it will post soon.
  3. rosemouse

    rosemouse Registered User

    Oct 12, 2015
    My mum is newly diagnosed but also did not acknowledge that anything was wrong. So we talked to my dad and insisted that he book an appointment for her, she didn't know why until they got there. Even when the diagnosis came through, there was denial and still is. But she is now on drugs and the formal diagnosis makes it easier to handle her behaviour all round. It's hard to do this, but I think getting an initial formal diagnosis was the thing that rallied friends, family, and others to support both my mum and dad. Best of luck x
  4. Kazsul

    Kazsul Registered User

    Sep 13, 2015
    North somerset
    I'm having the same problem with my Mum. Dad who is 85 had been looking after everything until 3 months ago when he became very ill. The change in routine whilst he was in hospital and the adaptations we've had to make in the house for him have all raised Mums anxiety levels and has made her dementia so much worse. Up to this point she had functioned fairly well but the change now is quite astounding. She will not accept any help in the house even though she says she is exhausted at having to do everything. She has frequent emotional tearful outbursts and I am desperate to get her help and am worried sick about my frail Dads wellbeing. They have been married 60 years and to see their struggles is heartbreaking. I am getting very little support from her GP and even though a social worker has been to assess some reablement care for Dad they seem to take no notice of my concerns about Mum and the situation they are both faced with. There is a Side by Side service in their area but not enough volunteers, as I tried this for Mum. I'm struggling to get her to engage with anyone outside of the home and so she is becoming socially isolated. I'm just not sure what to do next.

    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
  5. Rosaerona

    Rosaerona Registered User

    Oct 7, 2015
    Thanks for your comments, I really appreciate them. I'm trying to somehow get my mum to the GP without distressing her, it's not easy but I'm hoping if I can get her there we can get a diagnosis and that will be a start for getting some help and maybe getting her to admit there is a problem. I just feel like I'm forcing this on her tho and it's making me feel awful.
  6. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    Goodness Rosaerona, you do have a lot to deal with! I wish you luck with your transplant - will it be heart/lung or 'just' lung? I am retired now but I well remember a young lady patient with CF who had a very successful heart/lung transplant and went from strength to strength :)

    Many people find that they have to become more 'crafty' than they would like. It's a good time of year to try and get someone to the GP - flu jab or 'winter health check' can be good starting places (with the GP warned in advance).

    White lies can be employed when trying to get help accepted in the home too. Would your mum accept something on the grounds that it will make things easier for you, especially if you want to get it in place before your op? Or do you know someone who might badly need a bit of pin money and your mum would be doing a service by allowing them to come in and do some cleaning? I'm sure other people will have far more ideas than me.
  7. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    I never did get my Mum to the GP for a referral for diagnosis. It quickly became apparent to us that she had vascular dementia and we didn't think a diagnosis would help and would only upset her and we would be self funding anyway so not even much point there. However what I did get was a carers assessment and that made all the difference. I just phone Social Services and asked for a carers assessment and within a few weeks we had a bit of carers respite. You could tell your mum your dad needs a bit of help and so you need to get someone in to try and help sort him out ie carers assessment.

    It would also be a good idea for your dad to apply for non means tested attendance allowance but do get someone to help him with the forms because it is easy to underestimate what you do and you always need to fill them in as though it is the worst day for Mum of the year and it is important to write down the things she needs help with that they cover - even though you can spend the money on what you need to for her. Sorry going on a bit and you might already have it anyway!!

    you can do both of those while you work on getting her to the GP :)
    thinking of you x

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