Getting help for my mother

[Sirena]

Well done on booking respite for her, I remember you mentioning it on your other thread.

It may well be best to forget about the holiday. Your mother now has to get used to a new environment at the care home, added to which your brother is very unwell, so things have changed since you booked it - and even then you didn't really think it was a good idea and only did it because your mother insisted. Your SIL now has other priorities, and I suspect your mother would cope badly with the challenges of travelling and it would be a lot less enjoyable than she expects. With this illness you have to constantly adapt to circumstances, and make decisions on her behalf - as you're doing with the care home.

 

[Sarasa]

We have a date for mum to go into the home. Sister in Law and I took her out on Saturday and told her we had a buyer over lunch and that she would be coming to stay near me for a while until her new place nearer my brother is sorted. It's not going to be a moment too soon. SiL phoned today to say the management company from mum's flats had had several emails about her behaviour (banging on floors and throwing things off the balcony) and want us to get her out asap. I phoned mum up this afternoon to remind her I'm over tomorrow and she sounded fine. I guess she's forgotten her behaviour of last night.
Mum is still going on about her holiday and SiL thinks we can't be the ones to say no. She thinks with both of us on hand we can keep mum in hand. I have my doubts.

 

[Sirena]

I'm surprised your SIL is so optimistic, given the fact your mother's behaviour has deteriorated so much that the management company want her out of her flat. I wonder if SIL is just feeling guilty about the fact she has to move to a care home and feels you 'have' to go along with the holiday as a final favour. But I wonder if it really will be a favour at all. There comes a point when you do have to be the ones who say no because you know what is best for her, whereas your mother has no concept of how she is relating to the outside world. But SIL is right, it comes down to whether you're prepared to say no.

 

[jugglingmum]

But I wonder if it really will be a favour at all.

Sadly I agree with @Sirena on this, if your mum is just getting settled into care home life and the routine that goes with it then uprooting her to take her on holiday and then return her to have to resettle could create far more issues than it solves.

 

[Sarasa]

OK I think this might be the last update on this particular thread. I moved mum into the care home today. Didn't exactly go smoothly. She thought we were off on the holiday, though last week she knew she was coming to stay near me for a bit. I could see she was cross when she realised it wasn't Gatwick airport or Saint Pancreas so I disappeared rapidly, only to be called back as she'd thrown a cup at a carer. I sat in the coffee bar while they calmed her down. Customers relations manager is all 'it will be fine' Home manager less so. I did make it very clear that she could be verbally abusive and have total meltdowns when I first visited, but they seemed to think they could cope. Trouble is if it does go totally pear shape there is very little I can do. I'm going to spend a couple of days at my brother's house on child care duties (he's still in hospital, and nearly died so another worry) and then I'm off for a week's holiday. There is no way she is safe at home anymore and they can see that, but there is no DOLs in place so if she marched out very little they could do. I'm hoping that once she's got over the shock of it and she sees there are lots of people to chat to and things to do she may settle. It is obvious in her mind she sees herself as a flirtatious 20 something not a woman of 91.
As for the holiday, sister-in-law has finally admitted that she doesn't think it's sensible. My brother will be home by then, but still obviously not well so leaving him for a week is a no and with mum's erratic behaviour she just can't be trusted. Trouble is the flipping holiday is the one thing she reliably remembers.

 

[Rosettastone57]

OK I think this might be the last update on this particular thread. I moved mum into the care home today. Didn't exactly go smoothly. She thought we were off on the holiday, though last week she knew she was coming to stay near me for a bit. I could see she was cross when she realised it wasn't Gatwick airport or Saint Pancreas so I disappeared rapidly, only to be called back as she'd thrown a cup at a carer. I sat in the coffee bar while they calmed her down. Customers relations manager is all 'it will be fine' Home manager less so. I did make it very clear that she could be verbally abusive and have total meltdowns when I first visited, but they seemed to think they could cope. Trouble is if it does go totally pear shape there is very little I can do. I'm going to spend a couple of days at my brother's house on child care duties (he's still in hospital, and nearly died so another worry) and then I'm off for a week's holiday. There is no way she is safe at home anymore and they can see that, but there is no DOLs in place so if she marched out very little they could do. I'm hoping that once she's got over the shock of it and she sees there are lots of people to chat to and things to do she may settle. It is obvious in her mind she sees herself as a flirtatious 20 something not a woman of 91.
As for the holiday, sister-in-law has finally admitted that she doesn't think it's sensible. My brother will be home by then, but still obviously not well so leaving him for a week is a no and with mum's erratic behaviour she just can't be trusted. Trouble is the flipping holiday is the one thing she reliably remembers.

My mother-in-law never really settled in her care home. I'm sure others will tell you that it can take weeks or months for residents to settle. My mother-in-law was rude and aggressive as well, kept shouting she was being kept prisoner. By that time, she wasn't really aware of her surroundings anyway. She's in the right place, your mum. You've done your upmost.

 

[Bunpoots]

Sorry @Sarasa but your comment about your mum throwing a cup at a carer did make me smile. That's exactly what my dad did when he first arrived at his carehome. We knew he'd started to settle when the deputy manager ended her sentence with "and everyone stayed dry today". Dad's cups were usually full

I hope your mum settles. My dad did eventually. There was no way he was safe at home either.

Enjoy your holiday and try not to worry. If it's a good home they'll cope with anything your mum throws at them - literally or otherwise!!

 

[Sirena]

lol @Bunpoots at "everyone stayed dry today"!

You've done the right thing @Sarasa - as you say, she is not safe at home. I am so sorry to hear about your brother, I hope he is on the mend now. You and SIL have a lot on your plate to say the least, so you need to know your mother is safe.

You seem to be saying there is the potential for her to 'walk out' - is it not a secure home? I had to ensure my mother went to a secure home as she wandered (which was one reason couldn't stay in her own home). If she keeps asking/trying to leave they will apply for an emergency DoLS - at least that is what my mother's CH does.

 

[Sarasa]

Thank @Bunpoots , that was a much needed laugh. Mum is still very cross and demanding to speak to me or another member of the family. I know if I do it'll set her off but sister in law is going to try this afternoon.
The deputy manager and I had a chat this morning and she said about applying for DoLs. I agreed that it is as needed, good thing this forum has taught me various acronyms. Mum is on a secure floor but they were worried if she pressed the emergency fire escape button or somehow managed to get out the front door they couldn't legally insist she came back. Most of the action is on the ground floor, things I know she'd enjoy but while there is a danger she coud try to leave she is staying put where she is.

 

[jugglingmum]

I'm glad your mum is on a secure floor and hopefully the DOLS can be put in place ASAP.

I presume you have told her a suitable reason such as balcony being repaired or similar that you can string out for a long time.

I think you being unavailable is a good thing as you know in your heart that this is what she's needed for a while, and I hope you can relax on your holiday.

I found it very upsetting when my mum's sheltered extra care manager told me i didn't need to worry anymore as she was safe, partly as I hadn't fully realised at that stage how unsafe she had been, and partly as I felt she still had more to get out of life but with hindsight i have realised it is the most important thing. Once settled and the struggle of day to day coping was removed mum improved, and was very happy and joined in lots of activities (she still is happy but 5 years later with expected decline no longer joins in and sleeps a lot).

It sounds like as a family you have a lot on your plate, and you can't look after everyone to perfection. Hopefully your holiday will let you look after yourself, and your brother is over the worst as lots of energy needs to be concentrated on his family - kids will be taking it hard even if they don't show it.